Archive | September, 2010

Who Do You See When You Look in the Mirror?

By on September 30, 2010 in beauty/beautiful, emotional stuff, fear, guest post, hope/inspiration, self-image

Today’s guest post comes from a long-time friend of mine who, alas (because clearly she’s a great writer with lots of good stuff to say!), does not have her own blog I can point you to.  Confession: I’ve never met this woman in person.  But I feel like she knows me better than most of my friends, certainly when it comes to my life-long struggle with weight.  For the last five years (sidebar: has it really been that long?!), I’ve posted daily on a private message board with Betsy, today’s author, and another friend named Stephie.  We’ve been through thick and thin together (no pun intended), and I’m so proud to share this thought-provoking post with you.  Betsy, you are a true friend, and I can’t wait to finally meet in person, kick back with a glass of wine, and have an epic girl talk session…it’ll be long overdue!

When we hold a mirror up to ourselves we oftentimes only see the negative things: the stuff we want to change (the wrinkles, the grey hair, the double chins); the mistakes we made during the day; the stuff we said that we wish we could take back. So when my dear friend, Seattle Runner Girl, recently told me that she would not still be diligently plodding the path to a healthier lifestyle if it weren’t for my support, I was FLOORED.

Why? Because the mirror I hold up to myself still reflects back the negative image: lazy-slacker‐woman‐who‐still‐hasn’t‐reached‐her‐goal.  But to SRG I am an inspiring, dedicated woman who keeps‐on‐keeping‐on no matter my slow rate of success, backward tumbles, and itty‐bitty steps forward. Who knew?

And that got me thinking that perhaps my view of myself is a bit skewed. And I’m not talking about my super‐fantastic‐highly-evolved‐imaginary-self‐image here. You know the one where you: feel like a Size 2, swear that you saunter and shimmy like a Size 2, can wear‐with‐confidence sleeveless shirts and brightly colored clothes, and only eloquent, funny things come out of your mouth. Yeah, it’s not that imaginary self‐image I’m talking about. I’m talking about the self‐image I wrangle with each day. The real one.  The one that usually stands up and smacks me in the face.

I am a fairly outgoing woman. I speak my mind, have a good sense of humor, and love hanging out with people. Everyone knows where I stand on issues. I guess you could say I am definitely a what‐you‐see‐is‐what‐you‐get kinda gal. But if I’m so confident, why do I think so little of myself that I can’t, won’t, and don’t make the most of each day to improve my self‐image? Why do I choose the sofa over the gym? Why do I reach for the ice cream instead of the fruit? Why do I read a book instead of going for a walk? Could it be that my self‐image is holding me back?

Could it be that despite years of reciting weight‐loss affirmations and creatively visualizing my strong, lean, slender body right down to the color of my nail polish that I really don’t think all that much of myself? Could it be that despite my professional and personal successes that I just don’t think I’m “all that?”

I’m starting to think that my self‐image may be as important as my actions because my actions are going to reflect what I think about myself. If I don’t think I’m worth bothering over, then I’m probably not going to bother to eat right or move my body.

Right?

On the other hand, I’m wondering if my fascination with this idea of a positive self image is simply another craftily devised diversionary tactic created by my completely-and‐totally‐unwilling‐to‐change‐stubborn‐self. Yeah. I’m a bit confused about this one and so most days I shove these thoughts to the back of my mind, embrace my imaginary Size 2 self‐image, and read a book. But then there are those days when I can’t stop thinking that I am better than this and that I am worthy of making the effort to get healthier.

So I appeal to those of you on this path that have actualized success: Did you start moving your body and making healthy food choices and THEN begin to embrace yourself as you were? Did you learn to accept yourself as you are and THEN start moving your body and feeding your face with the healthy stuff? Or did you find all this positive self-image stuff total bullocks and just began eating less and moving more?

P.S.  Check out my first guest post ever at Kenz’s place – All the Weigh!

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Begin How You Mean to Go On

By on September 28, 2010 in beauty/beautiful, emotional stuff, hope/inspiration, R2P2

My mom always gave me this advice growing up: “begin how you mean to go on.”  Meaning, start each thing you do in life in the same manner that you intend to carry that thing out, forever.

In thinking more about my post about believing you are beautiful, I realized that I’ve been taking this advice for a long time.  (Shhh, don’t tell my mom I actually listened to her and followed her advice!)  For example, when I went to law school, my philosophy on the amount of time I’d spend studying went something like this: I do not ever intend to slave away as a lawyer for 80 hours/week at my job.  I will never intentionally choose to throw my work/life balance out the window.  Therefore, I will not devote 80 hours/week to law school.  Instead, I will treat it like a job.  Most weeks I’ll work 40-50 hours; some weeks I’ll have to do more, just as I would in a regular job.

And that was that.  I didn’t join my classmates arriving on campus at 7am and leaving at 10pm 6-7 days per week.  I arrived 30 minutes before my classes started, attended classes, and then took my studying home.  I continued to see friends and family – albeit less than normal – and just lived my life*.

This advice can be applied to our commitment to healthy living, too.  If you don’t think you can sustain working out 20 hours/week and eating 900 calories a day forever…why on earth would you start out that way?  More to the point; why, in pursuing any goal, would we ever choose a method that is so restrictive and unrealistic that our chances of sticking to that method are slim to none?

Bear with me; this really does relate to knowing you are beautiful.  Here’s how: If you begin your weight loss journey with nothing but shame, loathing, and contempt for yourself, that is how you will continue on.  How successful can you possibly be with that mindset?  (See previous post.)  Probably not very.  If, however, you choose to change your self-talk and challenge your view of yourself, ultimately accepting and believing down to your bones that you are beautiful and worthy and enough, that mindset can also stick with you forever.  It takes work; but the work is so worth it.

This has all been percolating in my mind lately because I’m realizing some things about my life and myself.  I am happy.  Truly, honestly, wholly happy.  Not living a “perfect” life (as if there were such a thing); not having stress-free days; not-floating-on-a-boat-on-the-Riviera-having-won-the-lottery happy…..but real life, normal, everyday happy.

All my life, I bought into the myth that once I lost my weight and achieved my goal, then I would be happy.  Oh, I gave lip-service to the opposite, but make no mistake – in my quietest moments, when I was most honest with myself, I thought the happiness I found so fleeting and difficult to attain would only come once I reached my goal weight.  More fruit of my belief that I wasn’t worthy or enough just as I was.

Well guess what?  I’m not at my goal weight.  I still have at least 50 pounds to lose.  I still struggle to remain committed to my workouts.  I still want Ben and Jerry’s ice cream far too often for my own good.  My husband and I still fight.  I still make stupid decisions and mistakes and am just about as imperfect as it gets.

And yet.

And yet…I am happy.

How do you like that?  It appears that one does not have to wait until being “thin” or at goal in order to experience happiness.  In order to believe in one’s beauty.   In order to experience all of the benefits I long believed were reserved for those special few who shed the weight and reached goal.

It turns out that no matter what order you do all this “life work” in (weight loss, mental work, journaling, counseling, loving oneself, finding beauty, embracing imperfection, etc.), you can reap the rewards and embrace the benefits as you go along.  Happiness is not reserved for the thin.  Beauty is not reserved for the perfect.  Love is not reserved for anyone other than you.  And me.

And me?  I’m grabbing onto this all – the beauty, joy, brokenness, imperfection, love, happiness, and amazingtasticcrazycoolness of living life, fully and while my whole heart – with both hands.  (Holding all said loveliness with open hands, of course.)

How about you?  What are you waiting for?

*This is more true of my second and third years of law school.  My first year was less balanced because it was so much harder just to keep my head above water.  And during that year, the “real life” commitment I sacrificed?  Working out and eating healthy.  Resulting in a gain of 60 pounds over the course of that year.  Can you all say it with me: “NEVER AGAIN.”

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Weekly Update

By on September 27, 2010 in R2P2, weekend, weight

Happy Monday!  I’ve been trying to get here all day and it’s just one of those days.  You know the kind.  So, this post will be short (but oh, so sweet).

First, head on over to Jord’s place to congratulate her on completing her first half-marathon pikermi!  I got to see her this morning for a walk and seriously?  The girl isn’t even sore.  Except for Herman.  (No, I’m not going to tell you what that means…you’ll have to go read her recap to find out!)

Next, I realized that it’s been a really long time since I thought about reaching certain “goal” weights and rewarding myself for them – do you all do this?  i.e., every 10 pounds you get a massage or a pedicure or a running toy?  I used to love this idea (still do actually), but I haven’t put it into practice.  As I lose weight, I simply buy the things I need when I need them, and the things I want when the budget allows.  Do you treat yourself with scheduled indulgence (of the non-food variety) as you reach mini-goals?

My weekend was great – I worked and spent lots of time with family, and got to hang out with a friend I haven’t seen lately on Sunday – we went for a walk.  Not much relaxing to be had but c’est la vie.  How was your weekend?

Finally, some numbers for you:

Round One Lowest Injection Weight: 217
Round Two Starting Weight: 220.4
Round Two Post-Loading Weight: 223.6
R2P2D12 (today) Weight: 206

6 pounds away.  Crazy, terrifying, amazing, and … okay, just crazy.  That’s all I got for ya!

Comments { 4 }

Do You Believe You Are Beautiful?

By on September 24, 2010 in beauty/beautiful, body, emotional stuff, hope/inspiration, R2P2

I’ve been feeling all contemplative lately and I’m not sure why, but I’m rolling with it!  I now walk around with notepaper in my purse and I keep a notebook by my couch to keep track of the random ideas I have throughout the day.  I’m sure I forget twice as many as I remember to write down, but such is life!

Recently one of those notes said this: “See the beauty in yourself.  If you can’t see it now, you won’t feel worthy enough to put yourself first and do what’s required to achieve your goals.”

Huh.  I guess this brain of mine has a few cells running around in there together after all!

I believe there is an important truth to that statement.  If you don’t see your beauty now; if you don’t believe you are worthy now; how on earth are you going to justify continuing to put in the time, energy, money, blood, sweat, and tears that will be required for you to reach your goal?  (Let me be clear: for me, the goal is reaching a healthy weight. But this truth applies to just about any goal.)  What happens when times get tough?  Work goes crazy?  Winter blues hit?  Kids, spouses, significant others, friends, holidays, and television shows are vying for your time and attention?

If you don’t value yourself and love yourself now, that means you put yourself on the bottom of the priority list – if you even remember to put yourself on the list.  And as soon as “more important” things arise, you’ll slide lower and lower on that list until your name just…slips off the page.   Most of us have been down that road before; we start off strong, make cooking healthy food and working out a priority, and then maybe one of those workouts per week gets sacrificed to our job, or to your kid’s soccer practice – whatever.

It’s a slippery slope; pretty soon we go from 5 workouts a week, to 4, then 3, then 2…and so on.  Healthy meals get put on the back burner (pun intended) and we start eating out more, starting with Subway (because, hey, Jared did it there!) and slowly eroding over time until we’re back at the McDonald’s drive through ordering enough food for an army…an army of one.

Finally, we wake up one day, and realize we’ve gained it all back…and every pound brought along friends.  No matter how much you enjoy the “party in your mouth” that happens when you’re overeating some food you enjoy, it’s not worth that feeling.  I have been there.  It feels like crap.  And I’m not going back.

No matter how many times we start with good intentions, for as long as we view ourselves as ugly and unworthy and less-than, this will continue to be a struggle of monumental proportions.  I have been struggling with my weight since I was 17 years old.  200 pounds or more since I was 18.  Nearly 300 pounds at one point.  Bending over to tie my shoes left me breathless.

You don’t get that way by loving yourself; by being happy.  You get that way because something inside you is sick and needs healing.  And for me, what I’m realizing, is that a BIG part of my healing is coming from looking at my body and loving it.  NOW.  Not because eventually I know I’ll reach a healthy weight, but because it is a thing of beauty and strength NOW.  Just as it is.

And this attitude applies to my whole self, not just my body.  Even as I’m working to heal the broken places and realizing that some of this work will remain work for a lifetime, I can see that there is intelligence and beauty and an odd sort of perfection in that brokenness.  I think of it this way: if God (who I believe knows all, sees all, and misses nothing) loves me – who am I to disagree with his evaluation of my worthiness?

I’ve said this another way, too: my niece and nephews, who I love more than I thought was possible, and who I think are as close as it gets to the goodness that can exist in humanity…if THEY think I’m cool and awesome and amazing and beautiful…well, how can I possibly say they are wrong?  Think of the many people who love you – are you willing to walk up to them, put your finger in their face, and tell them they are stupid for believing you are worthy and wonderful and good?  No?  Me neither.

I don’t know where this is coming from today, but I am feeling a passion to tell you that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.  You are worthy.  You are enough. You are lovable.  Right now, just the way you are.  Baggage and everything.  We all carry that shit around; fat or skinny, short or tall, rich or poor, educated or not, regardless of size, age, race, religion, whatever.  Baggage is universal.  Brokenness is universal.  You know what else should be?  The realization that we are loved anyways.

Think about it, friends.  If you can’t love yourself now, how are you going to keep making yourself a priority?  How are you going to keep putting something on the top of your priority list, if you don’t think that “thing” (you) is worthy of that position?

Comments { 18 }

Brain Twisters

By on September 23, 2010 in body, emotional stuff, fear, R2P2

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about the mental parts of this Life Changing Journey.  The mental/emotional aspects of this process – losing weight and choosing to live healthily – are more important than the physical, at least on some levels.  We can lose weight any number of different ways, and many of us have.  Only to gain it back again (and every pound comes back with friends), because the weight wasn’t the real problem, but just a symptom of the problem.

So, yeah, the mental stuff is huge.  And how we talk to ourselves?  Also huge.  And yet we continue to say things to ourselves like, “I can’t believe I did it!”  Or, “I know I shouldn’t be eating that, and I tell myself to stop, but my body just keeps eating.”  Or, the infamous, “I felt like I was out of control; like I didn’t have a choice.”

The more we stay stuff like that to ourselves, the more likely we are to believe it. (Or maybe it’s the other way around – you decide.)  And if we believe these lies – that we’re incapable, that we’re not in control, that our body is working against us in our quest for help – over time, they will become true for us.  Our words and beliefs have great power to shape our reality, our everyday lives.

I started this post with the intent to say that it blows my mind that I could actually be at a healthy weight by Spring.  That I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that possibility.  That as excited as one part of me is about the success I’m having now, another part of me is terrified about learning to live in a “new” body, one that is at a healthy weight instead of 200-300 pounds like I have been my whole adult life.

That’s all true.  It does blow my mind, and there is some internal conflict going on with me.  Some days more than others.

But instead of just saying that, because I know that words have power, here’s what I’ll say instead: I am so proud of myself to know that I will reach a healthy weight by Spring.  I am going to spend time regularly envisioning that result so that my mind has an easy time accepting the reality that I am succeeding every day.  I am excited at my success, and I look forward to the challenge of redefining my relationship with my body and embracing my body at a healthy weight, just as I have learned to respect, embrace, and listen to my body along the way.

Now it’s your turn.  What do you believe about the power of words?  What things do you say to yourself that might be holding you back?  How can you change the words you use with yourself to bring power to your Life Changing Journey?

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