I’ve been feeling all contemplative lately and I’m not sure why, but I’m rolling with it! I now walk around with notepaper in my purse and I keep a notebook by my couch to keep track of the random ideas I have throughout the day. I’m sure I forget twice as many as I remember to write down, but such is life!
Recently one of those notes said this: “See the beauty in yourself. If you can’t see it now, you won’t feel worthy enough to put yourself first and do what’s required to achieve your goals.”
Huh. I guess this brain of mine has a few cells running around in there together after all!
I believe there is an important truth to that statement. If you don’t see your beauty now; if you don’t believe you are worthy now; how on earth are you going to justify continuing to put in the time, energy, money, blood, sweat, and tears that will be required for you to reach your goal? (Let me be clear: for me, the goal is reaching a healthy weight. But this truth applies to just about any goal.) What happens when times get tough? Work goes crazy? Winter blues hit? Kids, spouses, significant others, friends, holidays, and television shows are vying for your time and attention?
If you don’t value yourself and love yourself now, that means you put yourself on the bottom of the priority list – if you even remember to put yourself on the list. And as soon as “more important” things arise, you’ll slide lower and lower on that list until your name just…slips off the page. Most of us have been down that road before; we start off strong, make cooking healthy food and working out a priority, and then maybe one of those workouts per week gets sacrificed to our job, or to your kid’s soccer practice – whatever.
It’s a slippery slope; pretty soon we go from 5 workouts a week, to 4, then 3, then 2…and so on. Healthy meals get put on the back burner (pun intended) and we start eating out more, starting with Subway (because, hey, Jared did it there!) and slowly eroding over time until we’re back at the McDonald’s drive through ordering enough food for an army…an army of one.
Finally, we wake up one day, and realize we’ve gained it all back…and every pound brought along friends. No matter how much you enjoy the “party in your mouth” that happens when you’re overeating some food you enjoy, it’s not worth that feeling. I have been there. It feels like crap. And I’m not going back.
No matter how many times we start with good intentions, for as long as we view ourselves as ugly and unworthy and less-than, this will continue to be a struggle of monumental proportions. I have been struggling with my weight since I was 17 years old. 200 pounds or more since I was 18. Nearly 300 pounds at one point. Bending over to tie my shoes left me breathless.
You don’t get that way by loving yourself; by being happy. You get that way because something inside you is sick and needs healing. And for me, what I’m realizing, is that a BIG part of my healing is coming from looking at my body and loving it. NOW. Not because eventually I know I’ll reach a healthy weight, but because it is a thing of beauty and strength NOW. Just as it is.
And this attitude applies to my whole self, not just my body. Even as I’m working to heal the broken places and realizing that some of this work will remain work for a lifetime, I can see that there is intelligence and beauty and an odd sort of perfection in that brokenness. I think of it this way: if God (who I believe knows all, sees all, and misses nothing) loves me – who am I to disagree with his evaluation of my worthiness?
I’ve said this another way, too: my niece and nephews, who I love more than I thought was possible, and who I think are as close as it gets to the goodness that can exist in humanity…if THEY think I’m cool and awesome and amazing and beautiful…well, how can I possibly say they are wrong? Think of the many people who love you – are you willing to walk up to them, put your finger in their face, and tell them they are stupid for believing you are worthy and wonderful and good? No? Me neither.
I don’t know where this is coming from today, but I am feeling a passion to tell you that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. You are worthy. You are enough. You are lovable. Right now, just the way you are. Baggage and everything. We all carry that shit around; fat or skinny, short or tall, rich or poor, educated or not, regardless of size, age, race, religion, whatever. Baggage is universal. Brokenness is universal. You know what else should be? The realization that we are loved anyways.
Think about it, friends. If you can’t love yourself now, how are you going to keep making yourself a priority? How are you going to keep putting something on the top of your priority list, if you don’t think that “thing” (you) is worthy of that position?
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This is excellent!! And it’s SO TRUE! And it’s something that most people don’t “get.” They think they have to hate themselves in order to make positive changes…and they may actually change a little, or even a lot, but it won’t be sustainable. It’s a lesson I’ve learned and am embracing fully. A wonderful side effect is that the more you love yourself, the more you love others!
Finally catching up on my comments…
Karen, I think my husband STILL believes this! And maybe, for him, it works. Not the self-hate part, but the “pain motivates you to act” part. And it might even be true for a short time, but what happens when the condition that was causing you “pain” (obesity, for example) is eased somewhat… the motivation goes away.
Anyhow, thank you for your thoughtful comment & tweet about this post!
I think you were meant to write this so that I would read it. Totally struggling to remember that the reason I get up and do what I do is not just because of some numbers I read off a scale but because I do love myself enough.
Enough to take control. Enough to move forward. Enough to look past what I think is failure and to see what I’m doing today that I wasn’t even imagining 8 months ago and find pride in who I am and who I am becoming.
Thank you for speaking directly to me today.
I am so glad this post spoke to you. You are one of my role models & heros on this journey, so to be able to help you in any way is awesome!
Wow, I am so moved by this post. I’ll be back…
Much love,
Sareece
Sareece, thank you! I look forward to checking out your blog.
You made me cry. I can’t really formulate any sort of coherent response, so I’m just going to let this marinate in my head for a while.
S’what I’m here for, girl – to make you cry. (Just kidding.)
If I’m ever in doubt, I visit Operation Beautiful (http://operationbeautiful.com/) and it keeps me in check.
For the longest time I knew God loved me. That was good. It helped me realize I could put time and effort into myself when I was ready.
The only kind of people God uses are the broken people. People who know they aren’t sufficient in and of themselves.
I think I have said something before about your prettiness…inside and out.
I wish more people would realize their own worth.
Thanks for the compliment, Chris. And AMEN to wishing that more people would realize their value and worth.
Thanks. This actually made my day way better. I was feeling pretty punky and not pretty pretty.
Bringing up your nieces and nephews really brought it home for me. Mine show me so much love, how can I dispute that I’m worthy of it?
<3
This post is so true! You must believe you are beautiful to keep going on the journey and especially on those days you want to give up!
Great inspiring post thanks for sharing
Wow…what a moving post! I do struggle with thinking I’m beautiful, but I have begun to find self-worth along this journey. I still need to find a lot of other things, but I do want to be a person who remembers that I am loved and worthy of love – and not just later…
Kenz, I hope you learn more every day about how beautiful and worthy you are JUST AS YOU ARE! If you can learn to love yourself now, you can do ANYTHING!
I couldn’t agree with this post more. It goes along with the building one’s self worth, really. I mean, why are we going through all of this if we don’t think we’re worthy of it? As you said, we have to appreciate ourselves for who we are now, and at each step in the journey so that we can live in the NOW and enjoy the process, not just the destination. Well said.