We talk a lot in the weight loss/fit blogging community about the disconnect between the changes our bodies are experiencing, and how our brains sometimes take a ridiculously long little bit of time to catch up to that change. When you lose weight, whether you do so quickly or not, after having been overweight or obese for decades, it can take a while for your brain to see your new, smaller body instead of “seeing” the obese body you’ve lived with your whole adult life.
At least, that is true for me. And while my brain is starting to catch up visually – I am catching regular glimpses of how my body really looks now, and that is thrilling! – there’s another way in which my brain still hasn’t caught up.
When I weighed 250 pounds, if I ate healthy throughout the day and got in a workout, I could sit on the couch in front of the TV at night and work my way through *insert food you love to eat mindlessly and in large quantities here* without gaining weight. No – really. I could eat a pound of pistachios or a 1/2 pint who am I kidding a pint of ice cream once or twice a week, and assuming that was my only food “indiscretion,” I could maintain my weight almost effortlessly.
Disclaimer: what follows is not me complaining. I am thankful beyond words to have reached the weight I’m at, and I will take any of the struggles that come along with it instead of being back at 250, struggling as I did for all those years. So please don’t think, “Seriously, she’s complaining now?! Someone needs to tell this bitch to shut up – I’d kill to have her “problems!” I am not complaining. Just sharing about how the struggle? It doesn’t so much go away, as it just…changes. And if you don’t believe me, read this girl’s honest posts about how…strange and hard and interesting and weird and even painful it sometimes is to be so much smaller than when she started.
So, yeah, back to my point. The things I could do at 250 pounds? Can’t do ‘em anymore. Or, well, I can, but guess what? My weight starts creeping up immediately. I was getting irritated this morning after another small gain, thinking maybe I was going to have trouble stabilizing again. Then I started to take inventory of what I’ve been eating the last few days. Lots of good, whole, healthy foods. Lean protein, veggies, healthy fats. Pistachio nuts at night. (Yeah, you see where this is going, right?) I thought, “I am so annoyed! I am doing exactly what I did after my first round, and I stabilized perfectly!”
You know those cartoons when a light bulb appears over a character’s head when they realize something? That was so me this morning. In the span of 10 seconds, I saw my weight, got annoyed, reflected on my food the last few days…and had an epiphany. (Wouldn’t you like to spend a whole day inside this brain?!?)
I am not the same woman, body-wise, that I was after Round 1. I am 30 pounds lighter. And a body that is 190 pounds requires fewer calories to function than a body that is 220 pounds or 250 pounds. So I can’t just do the same thing I did back then, because my body is not the same as it was back then.
I know this may seem like it should have been obvious to some of you, and maybe it should have been. Logically if someone had walked me through a conversation about this, of course I would have come to this conclusion. But somehow knowing it mentally and living it for myself – again, don’t forget the brain-lagging-behind-the-body part – were two very different things.
And I’ll admit that for a few seconds after that epiphany, I stayed annoyed. You know why? I like sitting on the couch eating pistachios at night, dammit! And I had a flash of the no-fairs that I used to live with constantly at 250+ pounds. You know the no-fairs, right? No fair that I have to work out. No fair that I can’t eat whatever I want. No fair that my skinny friend can eat whatever she wants without gaining weight. (Never mind that she probably works out way more than I know in order to have that privilege!).
So I had a flash of the no-fairs over the thought that I had to “give up” my eating of pistachios on the couch at night in front of the TV. (Yes, that thought you can smack me for.)
Then I realized that if all I have to do to maintain this healthier weight is give up eating pistachios at night? Make some adjustments in my portion sizes so they’re more appropriate for a 190 pound body?
Well, my goodness. Quit your bitching, Valerie. This is your biggest problem?!? You can do this!
And what’s more? It’s totally worth it. I’ll take that trade-off any day of the week and twice on Sunday.
So that was my big epiphany for the week. How about you – any epiphanies or learning experiences or lessons to share?
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Seriously what is up with the notion of get smaller = not needing as many calories. It burns my hide and sends me into a state of panic when I think “I only need 1500 calories”….that’s like 3 freakin oreo cookies!!!!
Do.Not.Like!
But you know, its totally true (damn them). A nightly snack to satisfy old Tara = pint of ice cream and two diet cokes. New Tara = cup of tea and serving of almonds. CRAZY!!!
My newest epiphany: Tell the universe/Listen to the universe. Whatever it is tell it to the universe and it in turn will tell you what to do.
Love you and totally ready to go shopping!
Tara recently posted..Let’s get honest…
This is a timely post for me because I am really stuck in the “no fairs” right now and reading this post led to my epiphany: just shut up and get over it because a slender, fit me is better than a fat, unhealthy me. And if that means giving up sweets and fatty foods, so be it.
Now please go take Tara shopping!
Speaking of shopping (and the cold temps in Seattle as of late)…I have a couple Banana Republic wool jackets that I haven’t been able to part with (because they are so classic and lovely). There is a long black wool trench with a tie and a short beige peacoat and I believe they are both size Large (these fit when I was a size 14/16). There is also a size 12 brown tweed blazer. I would need to get them cleaned first, but let me know if you’d like to have them?
Gina (@ Looking Forward) recently posted..Summer Salad
Yes yes yes! I’m way behind on comments but I just sent you an e-mail. Thank you!
yep. The knowledge that one large sandwich can eliminate my daily deficit can sometimes feel a bit suffocating.
one or two hundred calories is the difference at this point between maintaining and losing…at 150 calories, the room to move is small…then again I work out 6 days a week and gaining is difficult with all the exercise I have been doing…so I can have an off month or two eating wise, and still maintain via exercise. it’s all a big balancing act. Sometimes not being able to cram my gullet full of food feels stifling. I was walking through he safeway today and looking at the cheese. I used to eat cheese by the bucket full. Now I hardly ever eat it, and if I do it’s carefully measured. It’s a tradeoff…mindless eating or pride in ourselves. I pick pride.
Amen to choosing pride.
What a great post. I’ve been feeling some of the “no-fairs” lately, but more about quitting smoking (and overeating because of it). This is a good reminder of keeping everything in perspective.
Bella recently posted..Countdown to Christmas-NYE Challenge – Week 2 Update
I totally hear you! It’s hard to really aknowledge these changes. I’m also in a place where I’m accepting that I can’t eat the way I used to if I want to lose weight. I just can’t. And sometimes it feels like I’m mourning it a little bit. But in the end I know it’ll be worth it.
Maude, I am TOTALLY mourning it, and that’s okay. I don’t want that life anymore, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard to leave it behind!
Great post! It is definitely infuriating and challenging to manage the balancing act of calories that is the daily diet for a smaller body (hence why I was fat!) and I definitely get the occasional case of the no-fair’s. For me, though, thankfully, after almost a year or forced maintenance with another pregnancy, I was given time to accept my body was smaller, my food needs were different, and no damage in irreparable, from a caloric standpoint. It was forced zen time, in terms of eating.
I still have to make peace with saying no to my inner two year old consistently. I am doing well right now, but I occasionally stage a rebellion and want to just eat junk to my heart’s content, like I could when I was in the 250-260 range. But a pint of ice-cream isn’t worth that misses department skirt, and each day that skirt means a little more. Someday, I hope my brain will catch up to the new normal and stop pining for tasty treats.
I have my doubts, honestly!
Taryl recently posted..Amusement with clothes
I get attacks of the “no fairs” all the time, but then I go back to hearing a colleague say, “You know she’s a runner, right? Do you know why? She runs so she can eat anything that she wants.” I used to think that meant she can eat EVERYTHING that she wants. Not true. There is always a trade off (blasted portion control!). Great post. Thanks for the reminder that I’m not alone.
Ms Mel recently posted..A Whiny Kid and an Olympian Run with Me
GIRL love this.
I will never forget my BFF turning to me when I lamented a no fair to her and saying SO SO BRUTALLY HONESTLY:
stop whining. youve eaten enough new york super chunk fudge to last a lifetime.
ALREADY.
at first I was miffed
) I was pretty AM PRETTY damn lucky.
then I realized she was right.
if THAT was by biggest NO FAIR problem (no more pint on couch with trashy tv
MizFit recently posted..4 tips for fighting holiday frazzle
Oh you are so speaking my language with that “pint on couch with trashy TV” talk. But it’s true – if that’s all I have to give up to continue embracing a healthy body…well, so be it.