The more I think about why I am struggling, the more I am sure it has to do with the whole happiness thing I wrote about in my last post. I thought about it some more today and have something to share that I never thought I would say.
I remember being 250+ pounds and reading blogs by people who had lost weight…tremendous amounts of weight, even. And I was gobsmacked by the fact that many of them were still unhappy with their body. In fact, some were even more unhappy with their newly-slender/fit bodies than they were with their previously-fat/unhealthy bodies! Can I just tell you how much that blew my mind? I knew that if I were ever lucky enough to lose this weight, I would not be one of them.
I would not fixate on loose skin.
I would not look a gift horse in the mouth.
I would celebrate my new body!
I would revel in how I looked and felt!
Well guess what? I was wrong. And what’s more – I was judge-y (technical term). That’s right, I’ll admit it. I thought they were crazy for obsessing over their flaws when they had such a huge accomplishment to celebrate! I thought they were unrealistic perfectionists who wouldn’t be happy no matter how much weight they lost or how their bodies looked.
Yeah, I’m sorry about that. No, really – I am apologizing to every single one of you who I may have judged for not being 100% happy once you lost a ton of weight.
I think that’s part of why I am having a hard time. I thought it would be different. I thought my belly would get smaller. I thought I would look better with my clothes off…maybe not better than with my clothes on, but just…better, you know?
And yes, I know…get over myself, right?! Seriously, I’ve lost 100 pounds and I’m upset that I don’t look amazing naked?!?! (Plus, I guarantee you that I do look better naked than I did before…my eyes just aren’t seeing it yet.)
I think part of me feels like I worked so effing hard and lost so much effing weight…for this? Saggy boobs? Flabby belly? Loose skin on my arms? I want a refund! I want my money back!
But of course, I don’t. Not really. I am just letting my inner teenager throw her little tantrum and maybe I’m giving her a little too much leeway, you know? Because I don’t want a refund. When I sit and think about it, I wouldn’t trade where I’m at now for where I was a year ago. No way. I’ll take it – if loose skin and saggy boobs and a flabby belly (like it wasn’t flabby before – hello?!?) are the price I pay for being lighter and healthier…well, dangit, that’s worth it.
I know that.
I just need to start feeling that.
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There must be something in the air. I’ve been having struggles with what I see in the mirror pretty badly this week, too. You’re right – we wouldn’t change how we are right now for anything. It is a struggle. You can do it.
Carrie recently posted..The Return Of My Body Image Struggle
Thanks for the comment Carrie! I look forward to reading your blog.
seattlerunnergirl recently posted..I Have Trust Issues
I get this.
In a huge way.
We think “if that was me”…
Then when we are, we find we’re just like them.
We want to enjoy our new bodies but we still think with our old minds. Sagging skin is reminding us of what we’ve accomplished but also a constant reminder of how we failed to take care of ourselves in the first place.
We just have to decide which mindset is going to win the battle.
Tara recently posted..A Birthday Wish…
You have a way of boiling it down, Tara. It’s a choice between mindsets – the one that celebrates our accomplishments or that mourns the “negative side effects” or how poorly we failed ourselves before.
I am choosing Door #1. And if I have to make that choice over and over again…forever…then I will do it.
seattlerunnergirl recently posted..I Have Trust Issues
You know it’s a journey…Losing the weight doesn’t mean instant happiness like we think. When I was 250+ pounds I thought “I’ll be so happy when I lose 100 pounds!” And then I lost the weight and suddenly I was faced with the reality of “Things Didn’t Change” when I reached goal. I had been so focused on losing the weight I didn’t address WHY I was obese and unhappy.
I’m working on that now.
Lisa recently posted..Working Out With My Dad
Lisa, I’m glad to say that I didn’t think losing the weight would be the “magic bullet” for happiness. THAT would be screwing with my mind even more than what’s going on now! But I am struggling with something similar to you, in that my expectations (which I didn’t even realize I HAD) weren’t met and so now I’m left with the disappointment that always comes from unmet expectations. I’m working on it, too!
I’d like to chime in and say this is true, no matter how much weight you’ve lost. I thought I would physically look like what I think I should look like. We talked about it on Friday, but it was at that point that I realized I was flirting with disordered eating. Okay, my eating probably was disordered. I got depressed. Then I started moving. The longer that I focus on my activity level via running and now strength training, the better I feel about my body. In fact, 5 years after having Thor, I feel like my body is really close to what I always thought it looked like (Hi, my name is Sharla and I’m slightly delusional).
You will feel it. It just comes slowly. Baby steps.
sharlaelizabeth recently posted..Jingle Bell Run
Sharla, this comment came at a really good time for me when you posted it (behind on responding to comments). It was a good reminder for me to focus on the things I want to DO with my body rather than how it looks. So thank you!
I honestly used to think that if I weighed X I’d look like a super model (even though I was 40 something). One of the biggest mistakes I ever made was not being happy with what I’d accomplished and was only focused on what I hadn’t. That “mistake” resulted in me regaining half the weight I had lost. Now I don’t so much see it as a mistake because I learned SO MUCH from it. But it I can be a cautionary tale? Well, that’s why I’m responding
Love love love your body right this very minute!
KCLAnderson (Karen) recently posted..Anxiety Sucks So Now What
Karen, THANK YOU for sharing your experience. I know that focusing on the negative and/or not being happy with what I’ve accomplished is the beginning of trouble, that’s why I’m trying to work all this stuff out in my head! But your comment, and another on a different post, are reminders for me to love my body today for all it is and has done and still does for me. So I’m going to work on that, because that is something I can DO right now.
I have some loose skin and I couldn’t care less. I just wrote a post about this and Tara is absolutely right…we can’t take our old brain with us into our new lives. You are crap load healthier. Yay you! keep moving forward. It is worth it.
Chris, I love how you cut through the crap! You’re right – I shouldn’t care about the loose skin. And I know I’ll get to the point where I can FEEL that way, since I already THINK that way in my head. Working on it!
SO TRUE! My inner teenager throws this tantrum all too often! It’s funny how success in this journey has brought more…complications? Good food for thought, huh? (Should I have used that phrase?!)
beej recently posted..Hot 100 Update 12
Yeah, I feel like a bit fat whiner when I “complain” about all the “hard” parts of losing a ton of weight. Sheesh. Hence the title – getting over myself! Or at least, working on it.
seattlerunnergirl recently posted..I Have Trust Issues
WOW… this so hit home with me. I am been having the exact same thoughts/struggles lately. I just am not happy with my body. This is NOT what I thought I would look like down 116 pounds. AT ALL. And some days that really sucks and other days I’m ok with it.
When I am having a hard time with it all, I try to remember what the alternative is… and I like that A LOT less.
You have come SO FAR and and you are SO AWESOME!
Sarah @ Fat Little Legs recently posted..Uninspiring
Sarah, the idea of remember the alternative is a great one. I try to keep focused on that – I am having this struggle because I have FINALLY found a measure of SUCCESS with my weight. How awesome is that?? No, really…how AWESOME are we?!?
seattlerunnergirl recently posted..I Have Trust Issues