Archive | June, 2011

Never Say Never

By on June 22, 2011 in emotional stuff, pregnancy, running

Or, the post that was entitled, “Hanging Up My Running Shoes.”

I had a tough experience the other day; I went out for a run and 2 minutes into it, my round ligaments started to feel sore.  I’m pretty in touch with my body these days and I’ve been really good during my pregnancy at listening to it more.  (Note to self: hang on to this habit once the baby is born!)  So of course I quit running and walked instead.  And it was a great walk with a friend, about 4 miles or so in the warm sunshine.  Good company, moving my body, sun on my face…what more could I ask?

Instead of enjoying that, though, I started to throw a little big-ass pity party for myself when I got home.  Did this mean that I was going to have to give up running for the rest of my pregnancy?  How can I call myself a runner if that’s true?  What would people think?!?

Screeching halt.  What would people think?!  What do I care what people think?!  And why was I turning a one-time experience into an end-of-the-world scenario instead of just treating it like what it was – a run that wasn’t meant to be?

Oh, yeah.  Pregnancy.  Hormones.  Fatigue.  As unaffected – mood-wise, I mean – as I mostly feel by being pregnant, I’m not.  Unaffected, that is.  And that’s okay.  And it’s okay that I didn’t run.  It’s even okay if I don’t run again for the rest of my pregnancy.

I’m not saying I won’t run again for the next three months; I’ll give it another try or two and see how my body responds.  And it might be just fine for me to keep running until…well, until.  Until my body says “stop.”  Or the other day might have been my body’s way of saying “no more, hon…give it a break” until the baby is born.  We’ll just see.

You know what else?  Whether I run or not for the duration of this pregnancy doesn’t make me a runner…or not.  What other people think of me doesn’t make me a runner…or not.  Being a runner isn’t about speed, or distance, or how often you do it or whether you need to take walk breaks or anything else.

Being a runner, for me?  It’s about loving it.  And missing it when I can’t, regardless of the reason.  And knowing that running will be a part of your my life for as long as I want it to be.  And also understanding that as life changes and evolves, so can running.  How you do it, when you fit it in, what it means to you…running is the least-static thing on the planet, which is a good thing because life?  So not static.

So what makes you a runner?  And how do you keep from turning one bad run into the end of the world?

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Where to Begin…

By on June 13, 2011 in blogging, fear, pregnancy

You know how it goes, right?  You should have called that friend months ago.  And at first, you only put it off for a few days.  “I’ll call next weekend when it’s not so busy.”  Only next weekend never comes, and never does “tomorrow” or “later” or any of the other “right times” that you anticipate.  At a certain point, you pass a line (you know the line I’m talking about) beyond which it becomes embarrassing to call, you know?  You imagine that your friend might be offended by your really tardy call, but if you don’t call at all, you don’t have to deal with the awkwardness…

In some ways, that’s how I’ve been feeling about the blog.  I miss being here.  I miss writing through my thoughts and feelings.  Everything that’s going on with me is so different than my life before pregnancy, it feels a little weird to come here to the SeattleRunnerGirl blog and write about it!  I don’t want to turn this into a pregnancy blog or a mommy blog, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that is me worrying about what someone else might think.  Writing (or not writing) because of another person’s opinion, instead of because this blog has been a necessity for me.

I called the blog SeattleRunnerGirl when I started because it fit – literally and figuratively.  I was learning how to run physically, and using that as one of my tools to lose weight.  And then I fell in love with running (who knew?!) in the process.  But I was also running figuratively - away from unhealth, away from denial of feelings, away from self-medication with food…and towards life.  Towards living and loving and experiencing everything as fully as I knew how, every day.

I’m still doing that.  It looks really different right now!  And after the baby comes, it’ll look even more different, though some of it might be the same.

Right now, though, I have a choice.  I can either let these changes make me feel awkward – like that phone call that’s been left just a little too long – and keep me away from the blog.  Or I can say, “this is my life” and know that those of you who are on this journey with me will understand…that life?  It’s not just about running (literally or figuratively).  And it’s not just about weight loss, or pregnancy, or babies, or whatever.  It’s just…life.  In all it’s mixed-up, ever-changing, beautiful, heart-breaking crazyness.

I guess that’s my long-winded way of saying I’m back.  I’m not really sure what “back” looks like right now, because I’m still working 50-60 hours/week (down from 70+ so happy girl here!).  I’m still pregnant and balancing what it means for me to stay healthy without obsessing about weight and workouts and numbers.  So “back” for now might just mean posting once a week.  And always, always reading your blogs – I’m out here!  I comment now and then, but I am always reading, so please know that – I’m with you!  And I need you with me; hence being “back.”

Hang with me while I figure out what that looks like, will you?

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