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Random Thoughts

By on December 27, 2011 in baby, beauty/beautiful, body, emotional stuff, self-image, weight

It used to be that I had tons of time to think and write blog posts, but as I’m sure all of you know (whether from experience or because it’s obvious!), having a baby cramps my blogging style takes up a lot of time.  So I find myself cramming almost everything I used to do with my free time into 60 minutes each work day…my commute.  (I still haven’t figured out how to work out during my commute, but more on that later.)

I was driving the other day thinking about a few things, including the fact that I’m nowhere near my goal weight and that I’ve actually gained a few of the pounds I lost right after giving birth.  And I realized that as badly as I want to start losing weight again and as much as I wish that I hadn’t gained those few pounds, I am not berating myself.  I don’t feel like crap about it.  It’s not the end of the world.

Let me say that again: it’s not the end of the world.

Being heavier than I want to be does not make me a bad person.

It doesn’t make me unworthy or unloveable.

And then I realized that one of the side effects, for me, of motherhood (and I think being in a healthy, loving marriage has also contributed to this!) is that I am learning to love myself and my body just as I am.  Oh, sure, there will be days when this doesn’t feel true.  But you know what?  This body grew my little girl for 9 months, nourished her, kept her safe, and brought her into this world (with a little help)!  Damn if that is not the coolest thing ever.  So how could I possibly hate this body of mine?

The answer is that I can’t.  Not right now.  And that’s a new and amazing thing for me.

What events in your life have taught you to love yourself and your body regardless of its current condition?

Gratuitous baby pic:

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My Best Self

By on December 18, 2010 in beauty/beautiful, determination/motivation, emotional stuff, fear, goals, gratitude, R2P4, self-image

You know, epiphanies tend to happen when we least expect it.  It’s kind of like dating.  You know how when you were (or maybe still are) dating and looking for “The One”?  And people kept telling you to the point where you wanted to stab them in the neck with a pencil that you would find The One when you least expected it…when you stopped looking?  Yeah…epiphanies are kind of like that.

And yes, epiphany is a strong word to use, but I think it fits for what I’ve realized this week…mostly today, actually.  I’ve realized that this blog and my life and my focus and my journey have to be less about my weight and more about becoming the woman I want to be.

When I am losing weight (or gaining weight, for that matter!), it is so easy to become fixated on my weight.  And then that fixation takes over everything, and even if I’m maintaining (mostly) or otherwise “doing well” (whatever that means) with my weight, I still obsess.  Or I transfer the obsession from weight to something else – like what I eat.  It’s almost as though I’ve been on a quest for perfection, and if one thing is going well and not satisfying my habit of being imperfect or focusing on imperfection, I find something else to be annoyed with.

Pretty dumb, huh?

So today I was reading Brandon’s guest post over at MizFit’s place, and he said this:

Gradually, I’ve been learning to not put so much emphasis on that number staring back at me on the scale. I’ve lost 90 pounds so far, and even though I’ve got probably 10-15 pounds more that I’d like to lose, my focus lately has been much less on my weight, instead shifting to becoming the best version of me that I can be.

That shift in his focus really spoke to me.  I feel like that is a shift I need to make and, in fact, have sort of been trying to make without even realizing it, or being able to articulate it.  I am no longer 100+ pounds overweight.  I am no longer unable to do the things I want to do in life because of my weight.  The world, quite frankly, is my oyster.  So who do I want to be?  What do I want to do?

I know part of the answer to those questions.  I want to be vibrant and healthy and fit and strong.  I want to run a half marathon.  I want to run a sub-30 minute 5K.  I want to be a loving, fun, supportive wife, friend, sister, daughter, and – soon – mom.  I want to be excellent at my job and know that I am helping people.  And yes – I want to be smaller.  Probably about 50-ish pounds smaller, if I have to guess.  But where that goal used to be THE! MOST! IMPORTANT! THING! EVER! …now it’s just one of many goals.

And you know what?  That’s okay.  It’s okay that I’m not at goal.  It’s okay that I still want to get there.  But it’s also okay that I no longer want to be consumed with that.  It’s okay to look at my body, flaws and all, and be so very happy to be here, now.  Nothing is perfect.  I’m sure not.  My body isn’t.  And none of the above (or anything else) ever will be.  The Crazy Thing right now?  Is that I don’t want it to be.

Somehow, in the span of two days, I have gone from absolute angst over my struggle, to peace about where I am and where I’m going (even though I don’t even know where that is!).  I’m sure I’ll cycle back and forth many more times in life – that’s just the nature of it.  And I guess that’s why I’m feeling okay today.  Life isn’t about perfection.  It’s not about never struggling.  It’s about knowing that the good days, bad days, and in-between days are all part of the deal.  And you can either fret and stress and obsess over every little detail, or not.

So this is me – not.  Not obsessing.  Not fretting.  Not stressing.  Not giving up, either.  Not sure what the immediate future holds.  Not having to be in control of every-freaking-thing in life.  Or at least telling myself that I’m not.  Because we all have to start somewhere, right?

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Pounds and Inches Update

By on November 5, 2010 in beauty/beautiful, body, eating, emotional stuff, hcg, hope/inspiration, R2P2, self-image, weight

I started to add this update to yesterday’s post, and then realized it really deserved its own separate post.  Big changes are happening around here, which you’ll understand as you keep reading.

Today is my last day of injecting on my second round of the HCG Protocol.  I am thankful to report that the weight I had gained during my little “interruption” of this round is long gone, along with a few extra pounds.  Today I weigh 189.5 pounds. People, that is momentous!  I honestly don’t remember the last time I was under 190, but I do know it was at least as far back as my junior year in high school.  I feel fantastic and am so excited to start my maintenance phase and keep focusing on my running, strength training, and overall health and wellness.

For those of you who are interested in an outside perspective/opinion on the Protocol, here’s an article on HCG by a thyroid patient advocate – a friend of mine shared this with me.  Let me know what you think!  I’ll be sharing some more in-depth thoughts with you in the near future about this Protocol and how it’s different – but in some ways exactly the same – as any other method of losing weight.

I’ve been promising to share measurements with you for a while, so here is the chart I’ve been using since I started.  It’s hard to see but if you click on the image it gets bigger!

I’ve lost a total of 32.5 inches off all the parts of my body that I’m tracking!  (Note: I only measure one side of my body, so right thigh, right bicep, etc.)  And with today’s weight of 189.5, I’m up to a total of 63 pounds lost on HCG, and a grand total of 109.1 pounds lost since my highest recorded weight in 2006.  Holy sheesh – that seems crazy to me – does it seem crazy to you?

For any new readers who may have stumbled on my blog recently, I want you to know that you can do it.  For years – decades, even – I felt hopeless.  I never gave up, but I never really believed I could do this, you know?  There was always a small big-ass kernel of doubt in my mind that made me wonder – can I ever really do this?  I had failed at reaching a healthy weight for so long, I didn’t know how to be anything but a fat girl who failed at weight loss.  And I’m not saying that to garner pity or admiration or for any other reason than to say, to those of you who may be feeling the same way, that I know how it feels.  And there is hope.  And you can succeed in your desire to achieve a healthy weight, a healthy body.  So please, never never never never never give up.  And as important as that: love yourself.  Know that you are enough and lovable and good and worthy just as you are.

So there you have it, folks.  My pounds and inches update.  A transition, after today, off the injections.  And Tuesday, I start phasing back in higher amounts of protein, fruits, and veggies.  I can also eat dairy, but I will be talking with my N.D. about how and when to add certain foods back in, since I might as well do this deliberately and test out whether I have any food sensitivities or allergies, right?  Anyhow, I’m excited.  So excited for what the next couple months hold.

How about you?  What are you looking forward to in the coming months?  And, if you could share one piece of advice with someone who is struggling right now, what would you say?

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Who Do You See When You Look in the Mirror?

By on September 30, 2010 in beauty/beautiful, emotional stuff, fear, guest post, hope/inspiration, self-image

Today’s guest post comes from a long-time friend of mine who, alas (because clearly she’s a great writer with lots of good stuff to say!), does not have her own blog I can point you to.  Confession: I’ve never met this woman in person.  But I feel like she knows me better than most of my friends, certainly when it comes to my life-long struggle with weight.  For the last five years (sidebar: has it really been that long?!), I’ve posted daily on a private message board with Betsy, today’s author, and another friend named Stephie.  We’ve been through thick and thin together (no pun intended), and I’m so proud to share this thought-provoking post with you.  Betsy, you are a true friend, and I can’t wait to finally meet in person, kick back with a glass of wine, and have an epic girl talk session…it’ll be long overdue!

When we hold a mirror up to ourselves we oftentimes only see the negative things: the stuff we want to change (the wrinkles, the grey hair, the double chins); the mistakes we made during the day; the stuff we said that we wish we could take back. So when my dear friend, Seattle Runner Girl, recently told me that she would not still be diligently plodding the path to a healthier lifestyle if it weren’t for my support, I was FLOORED.

Why? Because the mirror I hold up to myself still reflects back the negative image: lazy-slacker‐woman‐who‐still‐hasn’t‐reached‐her‐goal.  But to SRG I am an inspiring, dedicated woman who keeps‐on‐keeping‐on no matter my slow rate of success, backward tumbles, and itty‐bitty steps forward. Who knew?

And that got me thinking that perhaps my view of myself is a bit skewed. And I’m not talking about my super‐fantastic‐highly-evolved‐imaginary-self‐image here. You know the one where you: feel like a Size 2, swear that you saunter and shimmy like a Size 2, can wear‐with‐confidence sleeveless shirts and brightly colored clothes, and only eloquent, funny things come out of your mouth. Yeah, it’s not that imaginary self‐image I’m talking about. I’m talking about the self‐image I wrangle with each day. The real one.  The one that usually stands up and smacks me in the face.

I am a fairly outgoing woman. I speak my mind, have a good sense of humor, and love hanging out with people. Everyone knows where I stand on issues. I guess you could say I am definitely a what‐you‐see‐is‐what‐you‐get kinda gal. But if I’m so confident, why do I think so little of myself that I can’t, won’t, and don’t make the most of each day to improve my self‐image? Why do I choose the sofa over the gym? Why do I reach for the ice cream instead of the fruit? Why do I read a book instead of going for a walk? Could it be that my self‐image is holding me back?

Could it be that despite years of reciting weight‐loss affirmations and creatively visualizing my strong, lean, slender body right down to the color of my nail polish that I really don’t think all that much of myself? Could it be that despite my professional and personal successes that I just don’t think I’m “all that?”

I’m starting to think that my self‐image may be as important as my actions because my actions are going to reflect what I think about myself. If I don’t think I’m worth bothering over, then I’m probably not going to bother to eat right or move my body.

Right?

On the other hand, I’m wondering if my fascination with this idea of a positive self image is simply another craftily devised diversionary tactic created by my completely-and‐totally‐unwilling‐to‐change‐stubborn‐self. Yeah. I’m a bit confused about this one and so most days I shove these thoughts to the back of my mind, embrace my imaginary Size 2 self‐image, and read a book. But then there are those days when I can’t stop thinking that I am better than this and that I am worthy of making the effort to get healthier.

So I appeal to those of you on this path that have actualized success: Did you start moving your body and making healthy food choices and THEN begin to embrace yourself as you were? Did you learn to accept yourself as you are and THEN start moving your body and feeding your face with the healthy stuff? Or did you find all this positive self-image stuff total bullocks and just began eating less and moving more?

P.S.  Check out my first guest post ever at Kenz’s place – All the Weigh!

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Begin How You Mean to Go On

By on September 28, 2010 in beauty/beautiful, emotional stuff, hope/inspiration, R2P2

My mom always gave me this advice growing up: “begin how you mean to go on.”  Meaning, start each thing you do in life in the same manner that you intend to carry that thing out, forever.

In thinking more about my post about believing you are beautiful, I realized that I’ve been taking this advice for a long time.  (Shhh, don’t tell my mom I actually listened to her and followed her advice!)  For example, when I went to law school, my philosophy on the amount of time I’d spend studying went something like this: I do not ever intend to slave away as a lawyer for 80 hours/week at my job.  I will never intentionally choose to throw my work/life balance out the window.  Therefore, I will not devote 80 hours/week to law school.  Instead, I will treat it like a job.  Most weeks I’ll work 40-50 hours; some weeks I’ll have to do more, just as I would in a regular job.

And that was that.  I didn’t join my classmates arriving on campus at 7am and leaving at 10pm 6-7 days per week.  I arrived 30 minutes before my classes started, attended classes, and then took my studying home.  I continued to see friends and family – albeit less than normal – and just lived my life*.

This advice can be applied to our commitment to healthy living, too.  If you don’t think you can sustain working out 20 hours/week and eating 900 calories a day forever…why on earth would you start out that way?  More to the point; why, in pursuing any goal, would we ever choose a method that is so restrictive and unrealistic that our chances of sticking to that method are slim to none?

Bear with me; this really does relate to knowing you are beautiful.  Here’s how: If you begin your weight loss journey with nothing but shame, loathing, and contempt for yourself, that is how you will continue on.  How successful can you possibly be with that mindset?  (See previous post.)  Probably not very.  If, however, you choose to change your self-talk and challenge your view of yourself, ultimately accepting and believing down to your bones that you are beautiful and worthy and enough, that mindset can also stick with you forever.  It takes work; but the work is so worth it.

This has all been percolating in my mind lately because I’m realizing some things about my life and myself.  I am happy.  Truly, honestly, wholly happy.  Not living a “perfect” life (as if there were such a thing); not having stress-free days; not-floating-on-a-boat-on-the-Riviera-having-won-the-lottery happy…..but real life, normal, everyday happy.

All my life, I bought into the myth that once I lost my weight and achieved my goal, then I would be happy.  Oh, I gave lip-service to the opposite, but make no mistake – in my quietest moments, when I was most honest with myself, I thought the happiness I found so fleeting and difficult to attain would only come once I reached my goal weight.  More fruit of my belief that I wasn’t worthy or enough just as I was.

Well guess what?  I’m not at my goal weight.  I still have at least 50 pounds to lose.  I still struggle to remain committed to my workouts.  I still want Ben and Jerry’s ice cream far too often for my own good.  My husband and I still fight.  I still make stupid decisions and mistakes and am just about as imperfect as it gets.

And yet.

And yet…I am happy.

How do you like that?  It appears that one does not have to wait until being “thin” or at goal in order to experience happiness.  In order to believe in one’s beauty.   In order to experience all of the benefits I long believed were reserved for those special few who shed the weight and reached goal.

It turns out that no matter what order you do all this “life work” in (weight loss, mental work, journaling, counseling, loving oneself, finding beauty, embracing imperfection, etc.), you can reap the rewards and embrace the benefits as you go along.  Happiness is not reserved for the thin.  Beauty is not reserved for the perfect.  Love is not reserved for anyone other than you.  And me.

And me?  I’m grabbing onto this all – the beauty, joy, brokenness, imperfection, love, happiness, and amazingtasticcrazycoolness of living life, fully and while my whole heart – with both hands.  (Holding all said loveliness with open hands, of course.)

How about you?  What are you waiting for?

*This is more true of my second and third years of law school.  My first year was less balanced because it was so much harder just to keep my head above water.  And during that year, the “real life” commitment I sacrificed?  Working out and eating healthy.  Resulting in a gain of 60 pounds over the course of that year.  Can you all say it with me: “NEVER AGAIN.”

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