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Where to Begin…

By on June 13, 2011 in blogging, fear, pregnancy

You know how it goes, right?  You should have called that friend months ago.  And at first, you only put it off for a few days.  “I’ll call next weekend when it’s not so busy.”  Only next weekend never comes, and never does “tomorrow” or “later” or any of the other “right times” that you anticipate.  At a certain point, you pass a line (you know the line I’m talking about) beyond which it becomes embarrassing to call, you know?  You imagine that your friend might be offended by your really tardy call, but if you don’t call at all, you don’t have to deal with the awkwardness…

In some ways, that’s how I’ve been feeling about the blog.  I miss being here.  I miss writing through my thoughts and feelings.  Everything that’s going on with me is so different than my life before pregnancy, it feels a little weird to come here to the SeattleRunnerGirl blog and write about it!  I don’t want to turn this into a pregnancy blog or a mommy blog, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that is me worrying about what someone else might think.  Writing (or not writing) because of another person’s opinion, instead of because this blog has been a necessity for me.

I called the blog SeattleRunnerGirl when I started because it fit – literally and figuratively.  I was learning how to run physically, and using that as one of my tools to lose weight.  And then I fell in love with running (who knew?!) in the process.  But I was also running figuratively - away from unhealth, away from denial of feelings, away from self-medication with food…and towards life.  Towards living and loving and experiencing everything as fully as I knew how, every day.

I’m still doing that.  It looks really different right now!  And after the baby comes, it’ll look even more different, though some of it might be the same.

Right now, though, I have a choice.  I can either let these changes make me feel awkward – like that phone call that’s been left just a little too long – and keep me away from the blog.  Or I can say, “this is my life” and know that those of you who are on this journey with me will understand…that life?  It’s not just about running (literally or figuratively).  And it’s not just about weight loss, or pregnancy, or babies, or whatever.  It’s just…life.  In all it’s mixed-up, ever-changing, beautiful, heart-breaking crazyness.

I guess that’s my long-winded way of saying I’m back.  I’m not really sure what “back” looks like right now, because I’m still working 50-60 hours/week (down from 70+ so happy girl here!).  I’m still pregnant and balancing what it means for me to stay healthy without obsessing about weight and workouts and numbers.  So “back” for now might just mean posting once a week.  And always, always reading your blogs – I’m out here!  I comment now and then, but I am always reading, so please know that – I’m with you!  And I need you with me; hence being “back.”

Hang with me while I figure out what that looks like, will you?

Comments { 6 }

Today’s my Birthday

By on March 10, 2011 in blogging, body, fear, pregnancy, running

Today is my birthday.  Nope, I’m not just here to brag and hope you all send me birthday wishes and gifts.  I’m here because today, my gift to myself is that I’m finally able to come here and share honestly with you about what’s going on in my life.

You may have noticed that I’ve been a little MIA lately.  And to the extent that I’ve shared with you that it’s due to work and a super busy schedule, that is true.  What’s also true is that I’ve had some big news brewing…or “baking,” you might say, that I couldn’t share with you all until now.

You see, often we notice that a blogger has “gone silent” and we assume it’s because they are struggling.  Maybe gaining weight.  Maybe not working out as much as they were.  And all of those things are true for me, but not because I’m backsliding (or at least, not mostly).

The reason?  For being MIA?  For being close-mouthed?  For not knowing what to say since I couldn’t share with you the biggest thing that’s going on in my life right now?

I’m pregnant.

I know, right?!?  I’m excited.  But I was also terrified until I remembered that fear is the opposite of love and faith and I could choose to be afraid or choose to believe that I would be okay no matter what.

I’ve been here before…pregnant, that is.  I had a miscarriage.  And, not to be dramatic?  But it was one of the most painful experiences of my life, emotionally.  And so when I found out that I was pregnant again, part of me waited with bated breath for the “other shoe to fall.”  Part of me was convinced that I’m defective and wouldn’t “be able” to stay pregnant this time, either.

Thankfully, that fear only lasted a couple of weeks.  Once I realized how paralyzing it was, I made a conscious choice to lay this all in God’s hands every time I had a twinge of fear.  And you know what?  It took a while, but eventually, that practice allowed me to let go of my fear entirely.

So, yeah.  Lots going on with me.  And I have so much to share with you, that I was longing to share while it was going on!  But I needed to wait until I was ready, and then I had to tell the people in my life who needed to hear the news in person, before I could tell all of you.  So I’m sorry I haven’t been here, but now you know.

I will be writing about this a lot, so I hope that doesn’t annoy you!  I’m in this new place, now, of trying to figure out what it means to be a runner and a fit woman and a weight loser (lost-er…as in, past tense) while also being pregnant.  I wrote some posts during my weeks of radio silence knowing I’d be able to share them with you eventually.  So forgive me if pregnancy talk makes you crazy, but if that’s the case, y’all might want to come back in about 7 months or so…after September 15 (that’s my due date).  But then?  I’ll be talking about babies, y’all.  And running.  And food.  And health.  And everything that makes up my life, cuz that’s how I roll.

I hope you’ll continue to roll with me.

Comments { 26 }

I Have Trust Issues

By on December 22, 2010 in emotional stuff, fear, food, gratitude, R2P4, worry

I was talking with my friend (and frequent guest-poster) Betsy recently about Tim Ferriss’ new book The 4-Hour Body: An Uncommon Guide to Rapid Fat-Loss, Incredible Sex, and Becoming Superhuman.  One thing he advocates is sticking to a “slow carb” diet 6 days/week and eating whatever you want one day per week – a cheat day, basically.  A woman who had great success on his slow carb diet kept a notebook with her throughout the week, and every time she craved a particular food, she wrote it down.  Come Saturday, she could have anything she wanted from that list.

I mentioned this to Betsy because I liked the idea of recording my cravings, knowing I could give in to them if I still wanted to on Saturday.  Betsy wisely voiced a concern that this method might create a mindset of deprivation, which as we all know, can be the death knell for any diet.  Here is my response:

Your thoughts about whether the once a week “cheat” day is creating a mindset of deprivation are good ones.  I don’t know if that is how the once per week thing would make me feel.  The reason given in the Ferriss book for doing it that way is that you eat a particular way the rest of the week and then shock your body with a higher calorie day, and in his tests, that has allowed people to lose weight and/or maintain an optimal body weight without TOTALLY cutting out the foods they love.

I think part of why I’m intrigued with the book (and with the Paleo diet, too) is that I am looking for something that will be EASY for me once I reach my goal weight.  I do not want to count calories (or points or anything else, for that matter) for the rest of my life.  I want to maintain a healthy body weight without having to think about it ALL. THE. TIME.  So the 4-Hour Body “diet” is attractive, as is the Paleo method of eating, in that many people have had success at maintenance on those diets without counting everything/anything.

That being said, I realize that part of why I’m casting around for something like that is that I am scared to trust my body.  Or, more accurately, I doubt my ability to trust my BODY instead of letting my MIND (as per your post yesterday) overrule my body in the choices I make.

In other words, now that I have found a weight LOSS method that works for me, I know I will reach my goal weight.  Whether that is in 2 months or 2 years doesn’t really matter to me anymore.  What matters is figuring out, along with the weight LOSS, the healthiest way for me to maintain that weight loss once I reach goal.  Whatever “goal” is.  (As with you, I am divorcing “goal” from a number on the scale more and more, partly because I have no idea how 140 or 160 or 180 will look and feel on my body.)

But I digress.

So, is it a “bad” thing that I am looking for a “method” of maintenance other than simply eating intuitively and trusting my body?  I read a blog post the other day that took issue with the whole intuitive eating idea.  Her thought?  Evolutionarily we are “programmed” to eat as much as we can when we can because of the historic scarcity (or feast & famine) nature of our food sources.  So is it realistic to expect that we can reprogram our brain, which has been programmed for centuries to feast when the opportunity exists, NOT to feast and to instead eat only what we need in that moment?  I don’t know the answer to any of this.

I guess what I AM learning is that I can’t rely on other peoples’ experiences, opinions, and ideas to craft a strategy that works for me.  As MizFit says often, I am the best expert on my body.  And while it is VALUABLE and good to learn from others, at the end of the day I have to trust MYSELF to choose that which is good and healthy and right for my body.

Some days?  That just feels like a big effing responsibility.  And the part that scares me is that I have spent the last 16 years of my life “failing” in this responsibility, so learning to trust myself again is really, really hard.  And did I mention it’s scary?!

So yeah.  That’s where I’m at.

Honestly?  I don’t really have anything to add to this post.  I wrote this straight from my heart and mind onto the screen.  It’s a really honest look at part of what I’m grappling with right now.  And in the spirit of my post yesterday about being thankful, I am…I am actually thankful that this is what I’m struggling with right now.  Because one of the alternatives is that I could still be stuck in my analysis paralysis, stuck in my old habits, stuck in feeling helpless, “stuck” at 250+ pounds with no real, genuine hope of ever losing it.

That being said, I am realizing that a large part of the “work” I have to do to reach my goal weight and maintain it remains to be done.  There are no “easy” answers.  There isn’t one thing that works for all of us.  And that’s not a revelation, really.  Just something I am realizing anew.  And I am embracing it.  I remain committed to doing what it takes, for me, to achieve and maintain a healthy weight.

And I’m going to share the process with all of you, because you help me.  You challenge me.  You love me.  You get me.  And maybe, just maybe, this will help someone else out there.

Comments { 14 }

My Best Self

By on December 18, 2010 in beauty/beautiful, determination/motivation, emotional stuff, fear, goals, gratitude, R2P4, self-image

You know, epiphanies tend to happen when we least expect it.  It’s kind of like dating.  You know how when you were (or maybe still are) dating and looking for “The One”?  And people kept telling you to the point where you wanted to stab them in the neck with a pencil that you would find The One when you least expected it…when you stopped looking?  Yeah…epiphanies are kind of like that.

And yes, epiphany is a strong word to use, but I think it fits for what I’ve realized this week…mostly today, actually.  I’ve realized that this blog and my life and my focus and my journey have to be less about my weight and more about becoming the woman I want to be.

When I am losing weight (or gaining weight, for that matter!), it is so easy to become fixated on my weight.  And then that fixation takes over everything, and even if I’m maintaining (mostly) or otherwise “doing well” (whatever that means) with my weight, I still obsess.  Or I transfer the obsession from weight to something else – like what I eat.  It’s almost as though I’ve been on a quest for perfection, and if one thing is going well and not satisfying my habit of being imperfect or focusing on imperfection, I find something else to be annoyed with.

Pretty dumb, huh?

So today I was reading Brandon’s guest post over at MizFit’s place, and he said this:

Gradually, I’ve been learning to not put so much emphasis on that number staring back at me on the scale. I’ve lost 90 pounds so far, and even though I’ve got probably 10-15 pounds more that I’d like to lose, my focus lately has been much less on my weight, instead shifting to becoming the best version of me that I can be.

That shift in his focus really spoke to me.  I feel like that is a shift I need to make and, in fact, have sort of been trying to make without even realizing it, or being able to articulate it.  I am no longer 100+ pounds overweight.  I am no longer unable to do the things I want to do in life because of my weight.  The world, quite frankly, is my oyster.  So who do I want to be?  What do I want to do?

I know part of the answer to those questions.  I want to be vibrant and healthy and fit and strong.  I want to run a half marathon.  I want to run a sub-30 minute 5K.  I want to be a loving, fun, supportive wife, friend, sister, daughter, and – soon – mom.  I want to be excellent at my job and know that I am helping people.  And yes – I want to be smaller.  Probably about 50-ish pounds smaller, if I have to guess.  But where that goal used to be THE! MOST! IMPORTANT! THING! EVER! …now it’s just one of many goals.

And you know what?  That’s okay.  It’s okay that I’m not at goal.  It’s okay that I still want to get there.  But it’s also okay that I no longer want to be consumed with that.  It’s okay to look at my body, flaws and all, and be so very happy to be here, now.  Nothing is perfect.  I’m sure not.  My body isn’t.  And none of the above (or anything else) ever will be.  The Crazy Thing right now?  Is that I don’t want it to be.

Somehow, in the span of two days, I have gone from absolute angst over my struggle, to peace about where I am and where I’m going (even though I don’t even know where that is!).  I’m sure I’ll cycle back and forth many more times in life – that’s just the nature of it.  And I guess that’s why I’m feeling okay today.  Life isn’t about perfection.  It’s not about never struggling.  It’s about knowing that the good days, bad days, and in-between days are all part of the deal.  And you can either fret and stress and obsess over every little detail, or not.

So this is me – not.  Not obsessing.  Not fretting.  Not stressing.  Not giving up, either.  Not sure what the immediate future holds.  Not having to be in control of every-freaking-thing in life.  Or at least telling myself that I’m not.  Because we all have to start somewhere, right?

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My Discomfort Manifests as Admonishment

By on December 6, 2010 in Betsy, emotional stuff, fear, spouse

Without further ado, please enjoy today’s guest post from our friend Betsy!

I’m reading this amazingly splendid book “The Forgotten Garden” by Kate Morton and on page 18 one of the characters said that her “discomfort becomes admonishment.” And when I read that line I paused and reread the sentence. Then I dog-eared the page. Then I got all sad and teary-eyed. Why? Because I. Do. The. Same. Thing.

I am a happy, upbeat gal. Not because I’m afraid to be cantankerous (because I have those moments too) but because I don’t see the point in spending my precious life-energy on being bitchy, grumpy and whiny. However, when faced with something that makes me uncomfortable, I snap the head off of whoever mentioned said uncomfortable thing. Let me give you an example.

FitHub very, very much wants me to become more outdoorsy. He wants us to experience the great outdoors together in happy-backpacker-mountain-biker-backcountry-skier bliss. Most recently, and innocently enough, he wants us to camp. Where there is no running water or toilet. Or walls. Or people. My reaction? Ick.

Actually, my reaction to these ideas is usually much harsher than a feeble, “Ick.” The conversation goes something like this:

FitHub: Betsy, this campsite was amazing. You’d love it. Look at the view I had from my sleeping bag! And the stars. You can’t believe how many you can see when you’re this far from city lights. I’d love to take you there.

Me: Is it a campground?

FitHub: No.

Me: So no running water?

FitHub: Yeah. But there are pit toilets!

Me: And you know how I feel about that (said with a do-not-argue finality that would even get Joan Rivers to shut up).

So there is FitHub waxing poetic about this beautiful spot on Earth and WANTING to spend time alone with his wife showing her this place that moved him to get all waxy-poetic, and all I’m thinking is stinky, pit toilet; grimy unwashed body and hair; scary bugs and scorpions and snakes, and so my reaction is, “Is it a campground?” I suck.

This is so not who I want to be. I don’t want to shoot down ideas because they make me uncomfortable or scared. I want to be the woman who says, “Wow! When can we go?” and really mean it.

I can remember being a teenager and watching and listening to my mom. You know what’s coming, don’t you? Yep, she was always shooting down ideas. My ideas, my dad’s ideas, and my ideas again. I used to sit there seething and swearing to myself that I would never do that to people. That just because I didn’t see the beauty in what they were saying, and didn’t want to participate, that I wouldn’t get all bitchy and closed off about it. Even at that age I could see right through her and knew it was her Fear talking. And that realization hardened my teenage resolve to NOT be like that. Ever.

And here I am. Admonishing the things that make me uncomfortable. And that makes me sad. Sad as in tears-welling-up-in-my-eyes and wishing I could take it all back and get a married lifetime of do-overs. But when asked to do something that makes me feel a tad outside my comfort zone, like backcountry camping, how do I remain enthusiastic, or God forbid agreeable, to the proposed idea without totally freaking out and over-committing myself?

I suppose I need to apply the same gumption I showed that first day at Zumba class, or that time I took a teeny, eeny, weeny bite of salmon (fish scares me). I just need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and try saying enthusiastically, “Yes Schmoopie! I’d love to go backcountry camping. How’s this weekend?”

Are you an admonisher? Or a recovering admonisher? Have you pushed yourself to do things outside your comfort zone? Do you have any advice for me before I hightail it to my first backcountry camping expedition?

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