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What I’m Learning

By on June 15, 2010 in eating, emotional stuff, family, food, hcg, R1P2

I know I promised this blog wouldn’t turn into all HCG all the time, but I might have to rescind that promise.  I am learning so much about myself because of being on this protocol, and I can’t (and won’t) not process through that here (and, as a result, share it with you all).

I am learning something really big right now that I’m not sure what to do with.  I’m realizing that not partaking of the food part of a family gathering doesn’t make it any less fun for me.  I don’t feel deprived…but I really expect and almost…want to feel deprived, which is really effing confusing!

My niece turned 5 on Sunday (sidebar: how in the world did that happen? where does the time go? and does the fact that I just said those two things make me old?!?!).  We had a big family party for her; the kids were in bathing suits playing in the kiddie pool and on the slip and side; we made hot dogs and had munchies (including lots of fruits and veggies, hooray), opened presents, applied temporary tattoos (princess tats FTW!) on the kiddies, had cake and ice cream, and generally it was an all-around good time.

Sundays are my non-injection days, so I was feeling a tiny bit hungry by the afternoon, which made not eating a little hard.  But overall, it wasn’t that big of a deal.  I still had fun, talking with friends and family, holding babies, serving cake and ice cream (do you know how hard it is to do that without licking your fingers?!), doing dishes, keeping children from killing themselves and each other, and snatching brief moments to bask in the sunshine.

Out of habit, I tried to tell myself that not eating was hard.  That it was making me unhappy.  That it was keeping me from enjoying the gathering.  But when I really examined my feelings and enjoyment level, I realized that wasn’t true.  I’m so “habit-ed” into thinking that food is crucial to enjoyment and pleasure, that I almost believed that was true yesterday.

Let me repeat that: I have conditioned myself to think that I can’t enjoy myself without food. Food has been a source of PLEASURE for so long in my life, and sometimes the ONLY source of that pleasure, that I have food and pleasure all mixed up in my head.  Like, in the can’t-tell-them-apart kind of way.

I know it’s a good and healthy thing to enjoy food, and to take pleasure in it.  It’s one of the best things about being human, in my opinion.  It makes me think that God is a genius, actually.  Just think – every bodily function could be mundane and boring and a chore.  But they’re not.  We get to enjoy eating and sex and, yes, I’ll say it, taking a pee.  I’m sorry, but don’t tell me you haven’t had that kind of pee, the one that feels like physical relief almost bordering on pleasure when you finally get to go!  Sorry if that’s TMI.  And maybe that makes me weird.  But these things?  They’re part of why I’m a fan of God.  (Spiders?  Not so much.)  But I digress.

There’s a difference between appropriately enjoying eating and elevating it to god-like status in my mind.  And that’s what I have done for so many years.  Eating wasn’t just to nourish my body; it was to provide pleasure, companionship, company, love, and acceptance.  And eating can’t really do those things, so I had to royally twist stuff up in my head in order to feel like I was getting those things from food.

So that’s what I’m realizing – I’m a little twisted up in the head.  Food is not the only source of pleasure in my life.  I can have tons of fun without one bite of food.  And not eating at a family gathering, even if I’m hungry?  Not the end of the world.  Seriously, I’m blowing my own mind here.

So I’m formulating some goals to correspond with that learning: I want to learn how to put food and eating in their proper place in my life.  How to enjoy food without letting that enjoyment become all-consuming.  How to let go of the twisted-up-in-the-head-ness that I’ve lived with for so long.  I’m not sure how I’m going to accomplish all of that, but I kind of think this is the first step.

HCG Update

HCG Start Date: 6/1/10
Starting Weight: 252.5
VLCD  Starting Weight: 255
R1P2 VLCD Day 11: 238.2
Total Weight Lost: 14.3 pounds

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What to do When Not Obsessing about Food

By on June 8, 2010 in family, food, hcg, R1P2

This weekend, I had just about the most successful weekend ever in regards to my food intake.  I had a plan going in to the weekend and I decided that it was iron-clad and non-negotiable.  I had my food with me, and I knew we would be avoiding restaurants to save money, so it wasn’t going to be that hard.  Right?

Right.

Truly, it was not hard physically – I wasn’t hungry, I wasn’t un-satisifed, and I wasn’t craving anything in particular.  But this weekend was weird and difficult and hard for different reasons.

First, I knew that I was obsessed with food, but I don’t think I realized the extent of that obsession until I removed food decisions from the equation.  Am I the only person who thinks about food this much?  How much, you ask?  Think about how often a teenage boy thinks about sex, and that’s how often I thought about food this weekend!  I made it a point to check in with myself every time I realized I was thinking about food or wanting food, and guess what?  Never once was it about being hungry!  It was all about wanting to (a) experience pleasure through food and (b) be a part of what everyone was doing.

The next reason this weekend was hard?  In my family, everything revolves around food.  People, I am Lebanese-American.  This food-centric-ness thing is no revelation for me.  But again, the degree of how food-centric my family life is?  Mind-blowing and shocking.  At least for someone who’s trying to take the focus off food for a while.

The thing is, we’re not any different than most families.  Our gatherings – weddings, holiday weekends, etc. revolve around the meals we share.  And the cooking of said meals.  And the baking of sweet things with small children who adore said baking.  And I love all of that stuff.  But, dang!  If I had a friend who’s life revolved that much around something else (say, video games or chatting online?)?  I’d be telling her to get a life!

So, yeah.  The learning curve this weekend was interesting.  I had to constantly remind myself that this weekend?  It wasn’t about the food (which was actually pretty crappy, everyone agreed after-the-fact – instead of informing me during!).  It was about love, and family, and fun, and the wedding, and being together.  I just need to build the habit of enjoying those things more than the food when I’m with my family.  Because I can’t change my family, nor do I want to.  Trying to change them would be an exercise in frustration and futility.  And, after all, this blog journey isn’t about changing other people.  It’s about changing me.

So, I’m learning I have quite a bit to learn when it comes to not making every moment about food.  And to be honest, I don’t think my recent approach (counting calories and carbs and sugar and protein and on and on amen) has helped me in this regard – it’s only required me to pay more attention to food, to an obsessive degree.  I’m not sure how the HCG thing will help or hinder this learning process, but I’m interested to find out.

How do you deal with frequent family events that revolve around food?  If you don’t partake, do you feel deprived?  Have you successfully changed your mindset to enjoy the non-food elements of those gatherings?

HCG Stats:

HCG Start Date: 6/1/10
Starting Weight: 252.5
VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet) Starting Weight: 255 (after 2.5 days of “feasting”)
R1P2 VLCD Day 4: 245.2 (R1P2 = Round 1 Phase 2 – Phase 1 is the loading/feasting)

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May Goals Report & June Goals

By on June 3, 2010 in food, monthly goals, weight

Whew, it’s already June 3 and I’m just now posting my May recap and June goals!  It’s been a busy start-of-the-month, but it’s all good stuff so who can complain?!

May Goals Report

You may remember that in May, I decided to start setting monthly goals for myself.  Check out my May Goals post here, where I said I would:

  • Complete at least 5 out of 6 weekly planned workouts.
  • Track everything I eat 6 out of 7 days.
  • Eat 5 servings of veggies and fruits each day.

So, how’d I do?  Actually, I did remarkably well!  I averaged 4.5 workouts/week, so not quiet to my goal but still pretty good.  I tracked my food about 50% of the time, so that’s really where I struggled.  Actually, though, I don’t know if I can really call it a struggle, because I didn’t really try all that hard.  What I did do was plan my day’s food in advance and pack my food for the day the night before or the morning of almost every day this month.  I counted my calories either in my head or on a sheet of paper so that I knew I was eating within my target range, and I was about 90% of the time.  So, partial success and partial failure on that goal.

My goal to eat lots of fruits and veggies I hit out o’ the park!  I did choose this goal because it was a lob over the plate (lovin’ me some baseball metaphors here, people!) and I knew I’d do well with it.  I’m happy to say that I did!

June Goals

I liked having these goals and referring back to them every week or so to keep myself on track, so I’m definitely going to continue this practice.  Here are my goals for June:

  • Stick to my planned workouts (see my June training schedule here);
  • Get two massages (no one said goals had to be hard, people!);
  • Cook fresh dinners at least 3 times/week;
  • Plan and pack my food for the day 4 days/week;
  • Only eat added sugar once/week.

That last goal is going to be the toughie for me, but after my cookie episode this weekend I know that my body prefers it when I keep my sugar intake to a minimum.  So I’ll be going without sugar in my morning coffee, I’ll be forgoing a daily sweet snack of dark chocolate, and I’ll be sticking to one serving of something sweet per week.  I don’t know if I’ll stick to this forever, but I do know I can do it for one month, and in the spirit of listening to my body, I’d like to give this a fair shake.

Weight Update

I’m happy to report that, due to some diligent healthynessification (yes, that’s a word, you got a problem with that?!) lately, my weight has finally begun to return to it’s pre-TOM-crazy-unexplainable-gain status.  I am currently weighing-in daily and I’m excited to see the numbers go down as I continue working my food and workout plans.  I’ll probably start posting monthly weigh-ins pretty soon here, even though it’s going sllllooooowww like molasses in January.

What are your goals for this month?  How do you decide which goals to choose for yourself?

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