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3 Christmas Gifts

By on December 26, 2010 in body, eating, family, food, gratitude, holiday, hunger, mindfulness, R2P4, working out

Good morning, friends!  I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and were able to spend time with your nearest and dearest yesterday.  I had a fantastic day with my family.  It occurred to me as we were sitting around the dinner table last night – just the 11 of us – that our “small” family Christmas might be more than many people can take!  It was loud and crazy and there were kids yelling, a baby crying (not often, though), too many butts in the kitchen, a maze of toys and small pieces to step over in just about every room…and it was perfect!  When you picture my family, start with the family from My Big Fat Greek Wedding…switch the ethnicity from Greek to Lebanese…tone down the crazy by about 50%…and you’ll have a decent idea of what my family is like.

3 Christmas Gifts

Even in the midst of that chaos, I continued to think about some of what I’ve been chewing on lately (pun intended).  And I re-realized (yes, I’m that girl who has to learn the same lesson over and over again…sue me) a few things that made me feel pretty darn silly.  In a good way.  These three realizations are a gift to me, for the reasons outlined below.  I’m sharing them with you in the hopes that maybe something in here will be a gift to you.

Realization #1: I am okay.  I am okay now.  I will be okay in the future.  This doesn’t mean that I will not struggle, stumble, fall, or trip multiple times in life (heck, multiple times per day!).  But one thing being with my family makes me realize?  I’m so blessed.  I’m loved.  I’m not alone.  No matter what I go through in life, I have a whole bunch of people in my corner who would do anything to help me succeed.  What more can I ask?

Realization #2: My body craves exercise.  My plan was to get in a hard cardio workout on Christmas Eve, but one thing (staying up late the night before) led to another (sleeping in) led to another (packing my gym clothes but going to my sister’s house with the intention of stopping at the gym on my way home instead of on the way there), and my workout didn’t happen.  I let it not happen.  And you know what my body told me?  Cut that shit crap out.  My body craves movement now in a way I never realized before, and when I go more than one day without it?  I hear about it.  Harder to sleep.  Back starts to ache.  So, note to self…unless extraordinary circumstances exist, the workout has to be my #1 priority.

Realization #3: This is probably the most important one.  My body is satisfied with far less food than my mind. Maybe this is a no-brainer for y’all, but I think I’m learning this lesson in multiple ways over time.  I realized this last night as I was still feeling full from dinner when I got home at 11:30 p.m.  Granted, we ate late, but this was a mini-revelation for me!  I had eaten over 3 hours before and I was not yet hungry!  And what’s more, I had only eaten one plate of food!  Which was at least half vegetables! 

This body of mine, it is wise.  And it has known ever since I lost this most recent chunk of weight that I don’t need as much food to nourish my body.  My mind?  Not so much.  Lagging behind the body a bit.   Rebelling against what it views as “restriction” and “deprivation” in terms of reduced food intake.  But even though it was kind of a “duh!” moment, it is also so encouraging me to re-learn this lesson.  Because all I have to do is learn to pay more attention to my body than to my brain.  Learning to be mindful of what I am eating and why will be hard, but ever so worth it, because my body knows what it needs…all I have to do is listen.

So along with the new watch and the gift of cash from my parents and the wonderful hand-made ornaments and drawings I received from my family, I am also treating these reminders as gifts, too.  I am encouraged, my friends.  I know what to do.  I know I am capable.  I know the struggle is not over.  But I know now more than ever that I can succeed.  You can, too!

How was your Christmas?  Did the holiday help you remember or realize new things about yourself?

Comments { 14 }

Mindfulness

By on December 23, 2010 in eating, emotional stuff, food, hunger, mindfulness, R2P4

That word up there?  The title of this post?  That one little word, I am realizing, is going to be one of the keys to my life.  To my happiness.  To my ability to maintain a healthy weight for the rest of my life.  I am sure if I went through my blog posts back to the very beginning, I would discover that this is not the first time this word has appeared on this blog.  Nor will it be the last.

Wikipedia has this to say about mindfulness:

Several definitions of mindfulness have been used in modern Western psychology. According to various prominent psychological definitions, Mindfulness refers to a psychological quality that involves

bringing one’s complete attention to the present experience on a moment-to-moment basis

or involves

paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally,

or involves

a kind of nonelaborative, nonjudgmental, present-centered awareness in which each thought, feeling, or sensation that arises in the attentional field is acknowledged and accepted as it is.

Mindfulness is something that I don’t do very well, haven’t made a priority in my life, for a number of reasons.  It requires me to slow down and pay attention to myself, my circumstances, my feelings, my thoughts.  That is uncomfortable for me because I’m not used to it, and it feels like a lot of effort and a lot of time to me.  Another reason I avoid mindfulness is that mindfulness and denial cannot coexist!  And, if I’m being honest, sometimes denial is a lot more comfortable than awareness.  Or, if it’s not comfortable, exactly…at least it’s not painful.  Which mindfulness can be.  I’ve talked before about how I have used food to disconnect with my feelings or circumstances, so if I’m using food like that, you can imagine that choosing to be mindful…to fully experience the feelings that I was trying to avoid to begin with…well, that’s a toughie for me.

I’m realizing even as I type this post that part of the reason I have avoided the practice of mindfulness in my life is fear.  And if you know me at all, you know this does not sit well with me.  I believe that fear is the opposite of faith and love. I want to live my life from a place of faith and love, not from a place of fear.  So here we go…realizing that means I have to give this mindfulness thing a shot.  If for no other reason than I refuse to let fear win.

I wonder where the fear comes from, though.  And I wonder, at what point in my life did I go from the utter and complete mindfulness of the way a child experiences life – fully in the moment! not worried about the future! experiencing every sensation, feeling, and experience as it comes! … well, when did I go from living like that, to living without really living?  Just skating by?  Not really experiencing every moment, but sort of…surfing on the wave of life in a very passive way?  (And yes, I realize that this whole post is a grammatical nightmare. Sue me.)

I feel like I’ve been having a series of mini-revelations lately.  Not really new revelations, but reaffirmations of things I know, but haven’t fully embraced.  Things I’ve realized but had forgotten.  Add this one to the list.  The posts I’ve written lately are coming from a place of introspection.  And, to be honest, some fear.  I haven’t shaken the 15 years of obesity from my mind yet.  There’s a part of me that is afraid this is a dream.  That I will wake up and never have lost the weight.  Or that I will gain it all back again, because after all – that is what I do.

Well, not anymore.  What I do is keep going.  Do the next thing.  Put one foot in front of the other.  Experiment – with workouts, with food, with all of it.  Acknowledge the fear, but refuse to allow it a place in my heart or my decision-making process.

This is not a short trip with a destination.  This is for life.  And that is why this time is different.  I’m in this for life.  Ups and downs.  Good and bad.  Hard and easy.  Whatever it takes.

Right now, what I know is that part of what it will take is slowing down.  Being mindful.  Being in the moment more often than not.  Experiencing all of what life throws my way actively, rather than passively surfing along and getting by.  I don’t know yet exactly how I am going to embrace this whole mindfulness thing.  But I want to do it.

This is where you come in.  Do you practice mindfulness or a similar discipline that requires you to consciously live each moment of life?  Any good books or websites you can refer me to?  Tips for how I can incorporate this practice into my life?  Stories about how practicing mindfulness has changed your life?

Comments { 11 }

Relaxation

By on December 8, 2010 in eating, emotional stuff, food, holiday, hunger, R2P4

Hey y’all!  It feels like forever since I’ve posted (it’s only been since Thursday), and I haven’t been able to comment on your posts all that much, either.  I am reading your blogs, though, so know that I am supporting you even if I haven’t had the time to say so “out loud!”

Our Christmas party was Saturday and it was fantastic!  We had a great time, and I think our guests did, too.  Plus, now our house is all festive with Christmas decorations, which we will enjoy until the end of the month.  Speaking of Christmas, can you believe it’s only 16 days away??  We aren’t going crazy with buying gifts this year and we’re staying home for Christmas with my family, so I am really looking forward to the next couple of weeks.  Plus we’re going to Arizona for New Years with Hubs’ family…here’s hoping for 70 degree weather!

On to my topic for today.  I was talking with a friend recently about one of the reasons I overeat.  It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling to stick to healthy and mindful eating lately, but I have been confused as to why!  It’s not “emotional eating” in the way that I usually think of it – I’m not stuffing down a negative emotion I’m trying to avoid.  Aside from being maybe a little stressed (as signaled by the back spasms I suffered regularly before/during finals all through law school and which chose to make their reappearance this week!), life is good.  Hubs and I are in a good place.  Our jobs are secure.  My workouts are great (and are essential for warding off my back pain, usually).

So why the need to eat?  All I can think of is that one way I have used food in the past is to relax.  I mean total, pure, utter relaxation – the kind where you don’t think about anything other than just zoning out in the moment.  And while I realize this is a close relative of the “eating-to-numb-out” side of emotional eating, it feels different, you know?  Because I’m not eating to *stuff* one emotion, but to *produce* another – relaxation.

It’s all the same in the end, though, when I am using food for a purpose other than to nourish my body and bring pleasure (reasonably) to my palate.  And I think it’s just as important to understand the un-dramatic reasons we overeat as the more dramatic/emotional reasons!

It ain’t exciting, but that’s where my mind is lately.  And realizing that helped me have a really healthy day yesterday, which felt amazing!  And my workouts are kicking arse, which I love.  Every day I notice a muscle I haven’t noticed before, or realize that I’m doing something I could never do before.  Little things, really – but they are so encouraging!  So that’s what’s going on with me.  Figuring out another reason I overeat.  Making a commitment to choosing other methods of relaxation now that I am aware of this tendency.  Enjoying life otherwise.  Knowing that it’s okay to struggle.  It doesn’t make me a bad person and it doesn’t mean I’m going to gain all of my weight back.  In a strange way that I hadn’t really anticipated…living in the struggle is teaching me how to love myself no matter what.  Is that weird?

So, your turn.  What’s up with you?  How are you enjoying (or coping with, as the case may be!) the holiday season?  Are you coasting along without effort (love those days/weeks!) or having a bit of a hard time?  How can we all band together and help each other through the rough times?

Comments { 4 }

When the Brain Lags Behind the Body

By on November 12, 2010 in body, eating, emotional stuff, food, hunger, R2P3, self-image, working out

We talk a lot in the weight loss/fit blogging community about the disconnect between the changes our bodies are experiencing, and how our brains sometimes take a ridiculously long little bit of time to catch up to that change.  When you lose weight, whether you do so quickly or not, after having been overweight or obese for decades, it can take a while for your brain to see your new, smaller body instead of “seeing” the obese body you’ve lived with your whole adult life.

At least, that is true for me.  And while my brain is starting to catch up visually – I am catching regular glimpses of how my body really looks now, and that is thrilling! – there’s another way in which my brain still hasn’t caught up.

When I weighed 250 pounds, if I ate healthy throughout the day and got in a workout, I could sit on the couch in front of the TV at night and work my way through *insert food you love to eat mindlessly and in large quantities here* without gaining weight.  No – really.  I could eat a pound of pistachios or a 1/2 pint who am I kidding a pint of ice cream once or twice a week, and assuming that was my only food “indiscretion,” I could maintain my weight almost effortlessly.

Disclaimer: what follows is not me complaining.  I am thankful beyond words to have reached the weight I’m at, and I will take any of the struggles that come along with it instead of being back at 250, struggling as I did for all those years.  So please don’t think, “Seriously, she’s complaining now?!  Someone needs to tell this bitch to shut up – I’d kill to have her “problems!”  I am not complaining.  Just sharing about how the struggle?  It doesn’t so much go away, as it just…changes.  And if you don’t believe me, read this girl’s honest posts about how…strange and hard and interesting and weird and even painful it sometimes is to be so much smaller than when she started.

So, yeah, back to my point.  The things I could do at 250 pounds?  Can’t do ‘em anymore.  Or, well, I can, but guess what?  My weight starts creeping up immediately.  I was getting irritated this morning after another small gain, thinking maybe I was going to have trouble stabilizing again.  Then I started to take inventory of what I’ve been eating the last few days.  Lots of good, whole, healthy foods.  Lean protein, veggies, healthy fats.  Pistachio nuts at night. (Yeah, you see where this is going, right?)  I thought, “I am so annoyed!  I am doing exactly what I did after my first round, and I stabilized perfectly!”

You know those cartoons when a light bulb appears over a character’s head when they realize something?  That was so me this morning.  In the span of 10 seconds, I saw my weight, got annoyed, reflected on my food the last few days…and had an epiphany.  (Wouldn’t you like to spend a whole day inside this brain?!?)

I am not the same woman, body-wise, that I was after Round 1.  I am 30 pounds lighter.  And a body that is 190 pounds requires fewer calories to function than a body that is 220 pounds or 250 pounds.  So I can’t just do the same thing I did back then, because my body is not the same as it was back then.

I know this may seem like it should have been obvious to some of you, and maybe it should have been.  Logically if someone had walked me through a conversation about this, of course I would have come to this conclusion.  But somehow knowing it mentally and living it for myself – again, don’t forget the brain-lagging-behind-the-body part – were two very different things.

And I’ll admit that for a few seconds after that epiphany, I stayed annoyed.  You know why?  I like sitting on the couch eating pistachios at night, dammit! And I had a flash of the no-fairs that I used to live with constantly at 250+ pounds.   You know the no-fairs, right?  No fair that I have to work out.  No fair that I can’t eat whatever I want.  No fair that my skinny friend can eat whatever she wants without gaining weight.  (Never mind that she probably works out way more than I know in order to have that privilege!).

So I had a flash of the no-fairs over the thought that I had to “give up” my eating of pistachios on the couch at night in front of the TV.  (Yes, that thought you can smack me for.)

Then I realized that if all I have to do to maintain this healthier weight is give up eating pistachios at night?  Make some adjustments in my portion sizes so they’re more appropriate for a 190 pound body?

Well, my goodness.  Quit your bitching, Valerie.  This is your biggest problem?!?  You can do this!

And what’s more?  It’s totally worth it.  I’ll take that trade-off any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

So that was my big epiphany for the week.  How about you – any epiphanies or learning experiences or lessons to share?

Comments { 13 }

A New Season

By on September 15, 2010 in eating, food, hcg, hunger, R2P2, VLCD, weight

First, thank you all so much for the wonderful tweets and comments about My First 10K Recap – your support, encouragement, and excitement mean the world to me!

A New Season

On this LCJ (Life Changing Journey), there are many different “phases” or seasons or whatever you want to call them.  There’s the excitementfeartrembling that we feel when we start.  The feeling of happiness and ease when we first adopt a new lifestyle, and see the pounds come off.  There are the ups and the downs; the losses, the maintains, and the gains.  The struggles and the triumphs.  The weeks we lose when we shouldn’t have, and the weeks we gain or maintain when we’ve worked our butts off and eaten as healthy as we know how.  There’s the dreaded plateau.  And then, once we’ve traveled the road, experienced all its detours and bumps and potholes and views, on day we reach our goal.  And we experience the part of the LCJ called maintenance.

I’m not there yet.  I’m not even in Onederland yet.  But I can’t wait to get there.  And as much as I have absolutely loved focusing on my running and training for my 10K for the last several months, I am ready to get back to losing weight.  Newer readers might not be aware that my chosen method of weight loss is the HCG Protocol.  You can read my very first post about it here for the basic gist of what the Protocol requires and how it works.  And some questions from readers, along with my answers, can be found in this post.

Today is Round 2, Phase 2, Day 1.  That means that starting today, I am on a Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD) combined with the HCG hormone shots.  Monday and Tuesday were Round 2, Phase 1, Days 1 & 2 – the days where I am required to “load” or “feast” – basically eat a high fat diet to ensure that my body’s “normal” fat stores are replenished – while also injecting with HCG.  Loading helps ward off hunger during the first week or so of the VLCD, and it worked beautifully for me my first round.

I noticed a big difference this time, though.  On my first round, the whole thing was new to me.  And I was still attached to the idea of how much I loved food.  How hard it would be to go without.  How awfully I thought I would crave all the foods I couldn’t eat on the VLCD.  So my load days for Round 1 were LOAD DAYS.  Full stop.  Whatever I wanted, I ate.  Even though the HCG made me feel not-hungry most of the time, I was determined to get my “last hurrah” in with all the foods I loved.

I remember being very upset that the Lebanese store near my house didn’t have any labneh in stock during my load days last time around…this is a food I adore, but also a food I have a very hard time eating in moderation.  I was almost panicked over the fact that I wouldn’t get my “fix” before going on the VLCD.

What’s changed?  I have.  My mind has changed.  The way I view food has changed.  My emotional reliance on food, while not wiped out completely, has lessened a considerable amount.  So loading this time around?  It felt kind of gross.  I did it because I trust the Protocol and I know it works.  I know it’s an important part of the process that will allow me to lose weight consistently and without hunger while on the VLCD.  So I very deliberately ate my high fat, moderately high calorie diet for the last two days…and my body can feel the difference.  How?  Here are some of the sensations I’ve felt over the last two days, that I haven’t experienced in a while:

  • Stuffed, uncomfortably so
  • Bloated
  • Lethargic
  • Low-energy
  • Spacey
  • Congested

I’m sure I can think of more adjectives, but the bottom line is my body?  It’s not used to eating like crap.  And when I do, it tells me, loud and clear: “CUT IT OUT!”  Which tickles me to no end, because it reaffirms what I’ve been learning along this LCJ, which is that my body knows how good it feels to live healthy and clean.  It was just my mind that needed training.

One of the results of this feeling is that my body is almost craving the VLCD.  Which I’m sure is no coincidence.  And me?  Mentally, emotionally, physically?  I’m craving the next steps.  Losing more weight.  Building more muscle.  Running further, lifting more.  Becoming the fittest, strongest VALERIE that I can be.  So…here goes….you with me?

HCG Update

Round 2 Start Date: 09/13/10
Starting Weight: 220.4
R2P2D1 Weight: ______

You’ll see more detailed stats here as time goes on, but this is what I’ve got for you today!

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