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Random Thoughts

By on December 27, 2011 in baby, beauty/beautiful, body, emotional stuff, self-image, weight

It used to be that I had tons of time to think and write blog posts, but as I’m sure all of you know (whether from experience or because it’s obvious!), having a baby cramps my blogging style takes up a lot of time.  So I find myself cramming almost everything I used to do with my free time into 60 minutes each work day…my commute.  (I still haven’t figured out how to work out during my commute, but more on that later.)

I was driving the other day thinking about a few things, including the fact that I’m nowhere near my goal weight and that I’ve actually gained a few of the pounds I lost right after giving birth.  And I realized that as badly as I want to start losing weight again and as much as I wish that I hadn’t gained those few pounds, I am not berating myself.  I don’t feel like crap about it.  It’s not the end of the world.

Let me say that again: it’s not the end of the world.

Being heavier than I want to be does not make me a bad person.

It doesn’t make me unworthy or unloveable.

And then I realized that one of the side effects, for me, of motherhood (and I think being in a healthy, loving marriage has also contributed to this!) is that I am learning to love myself and my body just as I am.  Oh, sure, there will be days when this doesn’t feel true.  But you know what?  This body grew my little girl for 9 months, nourished her, kept her safe, and brought her into this world (with a little help)!  Damn if that is not the coolest thing ever.  So how could I possibly hate this body of mine?

The answer is that I can’t.  Not right now.  And that’s a new and amazing thing for me.

What events in your life have taught you to love yourself and your body regardless of its current condition?

Gratuitous baby pic:

Comments { 12 }

My Best Self

By on December 18, 2010 in beauty/beautiful, determination/motivation, emotional stuff, fear, goals, gratitude, R2P4, self-image

You know, epiphanies tend to happen when we least expect it.  It’s kind of like dating.  You know how when you were (or maybe still are) dating and looking for “The One”?  And people kept telling you to the point where you wanted to stab them in the neck with a pencil that you would find The One when you least expected it…when you stopped looking?  Yeah…epiphanies are kind of like that.

And yes, epiphany is a strong word to use, but I think it fits for what I’ve realized this week…mostly today, actually.  I’ve realized that this blog and my life and my focus and my journey have to be less about my weight and more about becoming the woman I want to be.

When I am losing weight (or gaining weight, for that matter!), it is so easy to become fixated on my weight.  And then that fixation takes over everything, and even if I’m maintaining (mostly) or otherwise “doing well” (whatever that means) with my weight, I still obsess.  Or I transfer the obsession from weight to something else – like what I eat.  It’s almost as though I’ve been on a quest for perfection, and if one thing is going well and not satisfying my habit of being imperfect or focusing on imperfection, I find something else to be annoyed with.

Pretty dumb, huh?

So today I was reading Brandon’s guest post over at MizFit’s place, and he said this:

Gradually, I’ve been learning to not put so much emphasis on that number staring back at me on the scale. I’ve lost 90 pounds so far, and even though I’ve got probably 10-15 pounds more that I’d like to lose, my focus lately has been much less on my weight, instead shifting to becoming the best version of me that I can be.

That shift in his focus really spoke to me.  I feel like that is a shift I need to make and, in fact, have sort of been trying to make without even realizing it, or being able to articulate it.  I am no longer 100+ pounds overweight.  I am no longer unable to do the things I want to do in life because of my weight.  The world, quite frankly, is my oyster.  So who do I want to be?  What do I want to do?

I know part of the answer to those questions.  I want to be vibrant and healthy and fit and strong.  I want to run a half marathon.  I want to run a sub-30 minute 5K.  I want to be a loving, fun, supportive wife, friend, sister, daughter, and – soon – mom.  I want to be excellent at my job and know that I am helping people.  And yes – I want to be smaller.  Probably about 50-ish pounds smaller, if I have to guess.  But where that goal used to be THE! MOST! IMPORTANT! THING! EVER! …now it’s just one of many goals.

And you know what?  That’s okay.  It’s okay that I’m not at goal.  It’s okay that I still want to get there.  But it’s also okay that I no longer want to be consumed with that.  It’s okay to look at my body, flaws and all, and be so very happy to be here, now.  Nothing is perfect.  I’m sure not.  My body isn’t.  And none of the above (or anything else) ever will be.  The Crazy Thing right now?  Is that I don’t want it to be.

Somehow, in the span of two days, I have gone from absolute angst over my struggle, to peace about where I am and where I’m going (even though I don’t even know where that is!).  I’m sure I’ll cycle back and forth many more times in life – that’s just the nature of it.  And I guess that’s why I’m feeling okay today.  Life isn’t about perfection.  It’s not about never struggling.  It’s about knowing that the good days, bad days, and in-between days are all part of the deal.  And you can either fret and stress and obsess over every little detail, or not.

So this is me – not.  Not obsessing.  Not fretting.  Not stressing.  Not giving up, either.  Not sure what the immediate future holds.  Not having to be in control of every-freaking-thing in life.  Or at least telling myself that I’m not.  Because we all have to start somewhere, right?

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Getting Over Myself

By on December 16, 2010 in body, emotional stuff, R2P4, self-image, weight

The more I think about why I am struggling, the more I am sure it has to do with the whole happiness thing I wrote about in my last post.  I thought about it some more today and have something to share that I never thought I would say.

I remember being 250+ pounds and reading blogs by people who had lost weight…tremendous amounts of weight, even.  And I was gobsmacked by the fact that many of them were still unhappy with their body.  In fact, some were even more unhappy with their newly-slender/fit bodies than they were with their previously-fat/unhealthy bodies!  Can I just tell you how much that blew my mind? I knew that if I were ever lucky enough to lose this weight, I would not be one of them.

I would not fixate on loose skin.
I would not look a gift horse in the mouth.
I would celebrate my new body!
I would revel in how I looked and felt!

Well guess what?  I was wrong.  And what’s more – I was judge-y (technical term).  That’s right, I’ll admit it.  I thought they were crazy for obsessing over their flaws when they had such a huge accomplishment to celebrate!  I thought they were unrealistic perfectionists who wouldn’t be happy no matter how much weight they lost or how their bodies looked.

Yeah, I’m sorry about that.  No, really – I am apologizing to every single one of you who I may have judged for not being 100% happy once you lost a ton of weight.

I think that’s part of why I am having a hard time.  I thought it would be different.  I thought my belly would get smaller.  I thought I would look better with my clothes off…maybe not better than with my clothes on, but just…better, you know?

And yes, I know…get over myself, right?!  Seriously, I’ve lost 100 pounds and I’m upset that I don’t look amazing naked?!?!  (Plus, I guarantee you that I do look better naked than I did before…my eyes just aren’t seeing it yet.)

I think part of me feels like I worked so effing hard and lost so much effing weight…for this?  Saggy boobs?  Flabby belly?  Loose skin on my arms?  I want a refund!  I want my money back!

But of course, I don’t.  Not really.  I am just letting my inner teenager throw her little tantrum and maybe I’m giving her a little too much leeway, you know?  Because I don’t want a refund.  When I sit and think about it, I wouldn’t trade where I’m at now for where I was a year ago.  No way.  I’ll take it – if loose skin and saggy boobs and a flabby belly (like it wasn’t flabby before – hello?!?) are the price I pay for being lighter and healthier…well, dangit, that’s worth it.

I know that.

I just need to start feeling that.

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What Makes You Happy?

By on December 15, 2010 in body, emotional stuff, R2P4, self-image, weight

Several fit-blogs I’ve read this week have referred to a change in mindset the authors have experienced over time about happiness.  Reducing those thoughtful, meaningful posts into the takeaway that captured my attention, what I heard them saying is that before they embarked upon their LCJ (Life Changing Journey), food was a big part of their happiness, or maybe their only source of happiness.  Now, while they enjoy food, it is not the source of their happiness.  They choose to live the life that brings them happiness.

Reading those posts triggered a thought in me that perhaps part of why I’m struggling right now is that I’m not feeling happy, or at least as happy as I had been for the last six months or so.

I know intellectually that my happiness needs to come from something deeper than the number on the scale or whether I’m losing weight.  I’ve spent years of my adult life figuring out how to separate my happiness from my weight, and I think I had reached a point where I mostly (because I’m all about honesty here) succeeded.  I started making choices to live the life I wanted and do the things that make me happy, regardless of my weight.  And that is when my life and happiness really blossomed.  Long before I started losing weight.

Fast-forward to 2010 when I finally started losing weight and having success with this weight loss journey.  To finally have a measure of success with this LCJ also made me really, really happy.  And I think that’s a good thing, a healthy thing.  A normal thing, even.

But I realized that maybe my happiness at losing weight sort of … reconnected in an unhealthily-intertwined kind of way … the idea of happiness and weight loss in my mind.  Such that when I am not losing weight, it feels harder to feel happy.  And I make the distinction between feeling happy and being happy, because with very few exceptions, there’s really nothing about my life that I would change if I could right now.  I am blessed to have a marriage that gets better every day (who knew?!).  A job I really, really like.  A warm, secure home.  Loving family.  Health.  A strong body.  Friends that I cherish and who make me feel cherished.  All gifts for which I am intensely grateful.

So now that I’ve established that I am, when I pay attention, happy and content with my life…

Delving a bit deeper, during the weight-loss portions of my Protocol, a lot of my time has been committed to losing weight – and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  As I have shed the pounds, for the first time in my adult life I feel as though my physical “self” is closer to matching up to who I feel I am on the inside than it has ever been.  Integration – is that the right word for it?  I’m not sure, but I know that I feel more like … ME … at this weight than I have felt … well, really, ever, as an adult.

So chalk up one more reason for the happy, right?  Definitely … except, I am realizing, that part of my lack of contentedness lately seems to be stemming from the fact that I’m not losing weight right now.  Which is dumb because I’m not supposed to be losing weight right now.  I’m supposed to be maintaining my weight.  But my happy feelings got so wrapped up in the losing weight thing recently, that I’m back in that place of not feeling happy because I’m not losing weight.  And instead of being aware of that and reacting like a healthy adult, I have caught myself turning back to food to create a poor facsimile of feeling happy to replace the real happy that my heart is craving.

I’m not sure that this is some “huge” revelation.  It doesn’t feel monumental.  It feels like a small “oh!” moment…you know, the ones that come with a light bulb over your head in the cartoons?  And I don’t know that there’s a “fix” to how I’m feeling right now, except to remember more often all of the reasons I am grateful and blessed.  To disconnect my happy from my weight (and from food) and reconnect it to the important things in my life – my faith, my family, my friends, etc.

Instead of just saying I need to do that, though, I am going to take some concrete steps to do it.  I am going to pull out my old journal and take 5 minutes before bed each night to write down the people/things/experiences for which I am grateful from that day.   And I am going to start each morning with a prayer of thanks for the new day that I’ve been given.  Reminding my heart of what’s important…that is how I am going to find my happy again.

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The Roots of Self-Sabotage

By on November 17, 2010 in body, consistency/commitment, eating, emotional stuff, fear, R2P3, self-image

I was reading my friend Kim’s blog today, The Road to Beautiful.  In yesterday’s post, she shared a thought that sparked a realization for me – or at least the beginning of one.  She was talking about how we can psych ourselves out for any number of reasons, and this quote jumped off the page at me: “I gotta wonder, how often do we get psyched out of something that we really want because of fear or self-doubt?”

I keep thinking that this journey is going to get easier as I get closer to goal; the truth is, it’s just getting harder, or maybe just staying hard in different ways.  One would think that having lost 60 pounds in the last 5 months would be enough for me to stop trying to sabotage myself.  One would think getting real and honest with myself would get easier.  But as I am realizing, the opposite is true right now.  I am struggling so hard right now, and the struggle is with myself.  With the old me.  With the Valerie who was 250+ pounds for 15 years, and who doesn’t know how to be any other way.

Remember my post where I talked about my struggle with eating at night and how the brain lags behind the body?  Well I’m still wrestling with that, and the quote above from Kim’s blog zinged straight to the heart of why.  There is a big part of me that is terrified to be where I’m at right now.  I haven’t weighed under 200 pounds since high school.  And I’m thrilled to be here.  And at the same time, I don’t know how to be here, or even who I am at 190 pounds.  How do I live in a body this size?  Who am I, now that I’m not the fat girl?  After over a decade of being bitter that I couldn’t shop in “normal” stores, now I can, and it’s just…weird.

I really want to be at this weight right now, and stay here, and get stronger.
I really want to make healthy, balanced choices through the holidays. 
I really want to continue losing weight when the time is right on my Protocol. 
I really want to reach a healthy weight for my body.
I really want to be the healthiest me I can be. 
I really want to have a baby soon, and having a healthy body will make that easier and healthier for me and my baby.

And if I don’t quit sabotaging myself out of fear of the unknown, I will not achieve any of those things (and more) that I really want.   And so I guess I’m realizing that the self-sabotage I’m experiencing right now really is all about that – fear of the unknown.  Because all of those “really wants” up there are totally unknown to me.

I don’t know what it’s like to make healthy, balanced choices through the holidays.
I don’t know what it’s like to live at a healthy weight.
I don’t know what it’s like not to be the fat girl.
I don’t know what it’s like to be the healthiest me I can be.

So now that I have this epiphany, it’s going to get easier, right?  I’m going to stop sabotaging myself, right?  I won’t be tempted to nosh my way through the evening anymore, right?  RIGHT?!

Well, maybe, maybe not.  What I do know is that it’s up to me.  It’s up to me what happens next.  Now that I know where this behavior is coming from, I can face it head on.  Instead of eating out of fear (either of the unknown or just of feeling the fear), I will face my fear head on.  I will not be perfect and I will screw up.  But damned if I’m going to let the fear of the unknown keep me from reaching my goals.  I’ve never done that before, and I’m not gonna start now.

Do you sabotage yourself sometimes?  Do you know why?  How have you fought back against self-defeating thoughts and behaviors?

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