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Baby Steps

By on January 4, 2012 in eating, food, goals, health, Paleo, weight

So it’s no secret that I had a baby in September.  I had just gotten under 200 pounds for the first time in my adult life when I found out I was pregnant!  Although I imagined gaining weight would feel tough on me mentally/emotionally, it really wasn’t.  Not that I wanted to go crazy, mind you.  But knowing that my body was nourishing my baby made me surprisingly okay with the weight gain.  I was right on schedule for a very healthy weight gain until about the last month of my pregnancy, when I gained weight more quickly, resulting in a total weight gain of about 45 pounds – gulp!

Right after I gave birth, I started losing weight like CRAZY!  Taking care of a newborn full-time (and the resulting loss of two-handed-ness) combined with breast-feeding meant that I had lost nearly 30 pounds in 6 weeks.  Then I went back to work.  And, you guessed it, gained some of that weight BACK!  I got my hands back, my milk supply dipped a bit (pumping just isn’t as effective as the baby at keeping the supply going!), I wasn’t taking care of a baby 24×7, and boredom eating in front of the computer snuck back in.

Long story short, I’m still down about 20 pounds from my highest pregnancy weight, but that means I’ve got 25 pounds of pregnancy weight to lose, plus the 10 or so pounds of holiday weight I gained last year right before getting pregnant!  Are you still with me?

In any case, I’m not ready to make weight loss my priority and I’m not going to do anything drastic because that could jeopardize my milk supply, something I’m not willing to do.  But I do want to start making the move towards healthier eating habits both for me and my baby.  So here is my loose plan (subject to revision if anything messes with my milk supply or just doesn’t feel right):

  • Starting yesterday, I am off sugar, grains, and processed foods.  This is with the thought that eventually I will transition to the Paleo way of eating at least 80-90% of the time.
  • Next (probably next week but nothing is set in stone) I will eliminate legumes and reduce my dairy intake.  I’ve decided to do that more gradually (rather than eliminating dairy altogether) and really watch closely to see if/how it impacts my milk production.
  • I am committing to a 20 minute walk 5 days/week.  This is a VERY small step and a time commitment I know I can follow-through on, so if I don’t, it’s just because I chose not to make it a priority.
  • Within the next 4-6 weeks, I will start my one month of unlimited CrossFit.

So far (one day in), being sugar and grain free has been okay.  Of course I think of sugary foods or bread (I love sandwiches!) often and have had to say “no” to several cravings.  And of course, my office just happens to be one of those offices where there are constantly “treat” foods around – literally.  No, seriously: we order candy and Goldfish in bulk from Costco!  And there are cupcakes or donuts or other pastries on an almost daily basis!  But it actually feels really good, right now, to be choosing not to eat those foods.

I remind myself often that this is a choice and nothing is forever.  I can choose to eat ice cream tomorrow if I want to.  But last time I did, I didn’t feel very good.  And ice cream isn’t going to disappear off the planet, so who cares if I go a month (or three) without eating it?

I also remind myself that some things (like ice cream or store-bought cookies) are always available and are not worth a “cheat,” while other things (such as my grandmother’s homemade kibbee with fresh pita bread!) are more rare and are worth the splurge!  So far (again, only one day in) nothing has crossed my path that has been rare enough to reverse my decision to be sugar- and grain-free.

So there you have it.  No resolutions, nothing set in stone.  Just a starting point for a year in which I will continue my journey towards a healthier me.

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Random Thoughts

By on December 27, 2011 in baby, beauty/beautiful, body, emotional stuff, self-image, weight

It used to be that I had tons of time to think and write blog posts, but as I’m sure all of you know (whether from experience or because it’s obvious!), having a baby cramps my blogging style takes up a lot of time.  So I find myself cramming almost everything I used to do with my free time into 60 minutes each work day…my commute.  (I still haven’t figured out how to work out during my commute, but more on that later.)

I was driving the other day thinking about a few things, including the fact that I’m nowhere near my goal weight and that I’ve actually gained a few of the pounds I lost right after giving birth.  And I realized that as badly as I want to start losing weight again and as much as I wish that I hadn’t gained those few pounds, I am not berating myself.  I don’t feel like crap about it.  It’s not the end of the world.

Let me say that again: it’s not the end of the world.

Being heavier than I want to be does not make me a bad person.

It doesn’t make me unworthy or unloveable.

And then I realized that one of the side effects, for me, of motherhood (and I think being in a healthy, loving marriage has also contributed to this!) is that I am learning to love myself and my body just as I am.  Oh, sure, there will be days when this doesn’t feel true.  But you know what?  This body grew my little girl for 9 months, nourished her, kept her safe, and brought her into this world (with a little help)!  Damn if that is not the coolest thing ever.  So how could I possibly hate this body of mine?

The answer is that I can’t.  Not right now.  And that’s a new and amazing thing for me.

What events in your life have taught you to love yourself and your body regardless of its current condition?

Gratuitous baby pic:

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What’s Your Motivation?

By on January 31, 2011 in determination/motivation, emotional stuff, health, hope/inspiration, weight

I’ve had this draft sitting in my “posts” folder for a while and for some reason, I found it hard to write this post.  Why?  I’m not sure, but maybe it’s because I’m in a kind of “limbo” right now with respect to the source of my motivation.  For a long time, I was motivated by feeling like crap about myself.  It’s easy to “want” to lose weight when you’re 100+ pounds overweight!  Ironically, though, the more weight you lose, the less motivated you may become if “not being fat” is your motivation.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what my motivations are with respect to weight.  And I realized that it’s really not about my weight anymore.  Although I do still want to lose more weight – a fair chunk, actually – the way I feel now is amazing, night-and-day better than how I felt for all the years I was morbidly obese.  There’s a quote I’ve heard that I will proceed to totally butcher here that gets my point across, and it goes something like this: change comes when the pain of your current circumstances is bad enough to make you move from point a (here) to point b (anywhere other than here).

Well what happens when the pain of here isn’t so painful anymore?  You’ve gone from shopping in plus-size stores/departments your whole life to buying clothes in the “normal” stores or at Costco.  You’ve gone from pain in your lower back or knees or feet or all of the above to feeling vital and healthy.  No longer do you struggle to sleep well because of breathing issues or back pain.  And so on – the benefits of the weight you’ve lost are outstanding and lessen the urgency of the need to lose more weight nowquickfastandinahurry!

That’s when the real, lasting reasons for weight loss kick in.  Or when, as has happened for me, weight loss is no longer the goal.  You discover what really makes you tick.  What exercise you love.  What goals you’re dying to achieve.  And the journey becomes less about a number on the scale every day/week/month and more about you becoming the best you that you can be.

It’s not about your spouse.
It’s not about your family.
It’s not for that guy/gal you might meet on Friday night.
It’s not about looking a certain way for anyone else…or at all.
It’s not about your high school reunion.
It’s not about what others think of you.

Instead…

It’s about you.
What you love.
What YOU think of you.
Who you want to be.
How you want your life to look, forever.
Has to be for you, for your life, forEVER.

So, yeah…that’s what I’m thinking about these days.  And I don’t have any answers really, except I know this journey has become a whole lot less about weight loss and a whole lot more about what I want to be.  The life I want to live.  The example I want to set for my future kids.  And the memories I want to cherish when I’m 100+ years old and finally about to kick the bucket.  And I have a feeling that what will matter to me then is not the number on the scale, but the love-joy-connection-community-adventure -ful life that I will have lived.

How about you?  What’s motivating you right now?  Is that motivation going to be enough to get you through this life-long journey?

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Getting Over Myself

By on December 16, 2010 in body, emotional stuff, R2P4, self-image, weight

The more I think about why I am struggling, the more I am sure it has to do with the whole happiness thing I wrote about in my last post.  I thought about it some more today and have something to share that I never thought I would say.

I remember being 250+ pounds and reading blogs by people who had lost weight…tremendous amounts of weight, even.  And I was gobsmacked by the fact that many of them were still unhappy with their body.  In fact, some were even more unhappy with their newly-slender/fit bodies than they were with their previously-fat/unhealthy bodies!  Can I just tell you how much that blew my mind? I knew that if I were ever lucky enough to lose this weight, I would not be one of them.

I would not fixate on loose skin.
I would not look a gift horse in the mouth.
I would celebrate my new body!
I would revel in how I looked and felt!

Well guess what?  I was wrong.  And what’s more – I was judge-y (technical term).  That’s right, I’ll admit it.  I thought they were crazy for obsessing over their flaws when they had such a huge accomplishment to celebrate!  I thought they were unrealistic perfectionists who wouldn’t be happy no matter how much weight they lost or how their bodies looked.

Yeah, I’m sorry about that.  No, really – I am apologizing to every single one of you who I may have judged for not being 100% happy once you lost a ton of weight.

I think that’s part of why I am having a hard time.  I thought it would be different.  I thought my belly would get smaller.  I thought I would look better with my clothes off…maybe not better than with my clothes on, but just…better, you know?

And yes, I know…get over myself, right?!  Seriously, I’ve lost 100 pounds and I’m upset that I don’t look amazing naked?!?!  (Plus, I guarantee you that I do look better naked than I did before…my eyes just aren’t seeing it yet.)

I think part of me feels like I worked so effing hard and lost so much effing weight…for this?  Saggy boobs?  Flabby belly?  Loose skin on my arms?  I want a refund!  I want my money back!

But of course, I don’t.  Not really.  I am just letting my inner teenager throw her little tantrum and maybe I’m giving her a little too much leeway, you know?  Because I don’t want a refund.  When I sit and think about it, I wouldn’t trade where I’m at now for where I was a year ago.  No way.  I’ll take it – if loose skin and saggy boobs and a flabby belly (like it wasn’t flabby before – hello?!?) are the price I pay for being lighter and healthier…well, dangit, that’s worth it.

I know that.

I just need to start feeling that.

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What Makes You Happy?

By on December 15, 2010 in body, emotional stuff, R2P4, self-image, weight

Several fit-blogs I’ve read this week have referred to a change in mindset the authors have experienced over time about happiness.  Reducing those thoughtful, meaningful posts into the takeaway that captured my attention, what I heard them saying is that before they embarked upon their LCJ (Life Changing Journey), food was a big part of their happiness, or maybe their only source of happiness.  Now, while they enjoy food, it is not the source of their happiness.  They choose to live the life that brings them happiness.

Reading those posts triggered a thought in me that perhaps part of why I’m struggling right now is that I’m not feeling happy, or at least as happy as I had been for the last six months or so.

I know intellectually that my happiness needs to come from something deeper than the number on the scale or whether I’m losing weight.  I’ve spent years of my adult life figuring out how to separate my happiness from my weight, and I think I had reached a point where I mostly (because I’m all about honesty here) succeeded.  I started making choices to live the life I wanted and do the things that make me happy, regardless of my weight.  And that is when my life and happiness really blossomed.  Long before I started losing weight.

Fast-forward to 2010 when I finally started losing weight and having success with this weight loss journey.  To finally have a measure of success with this LCJ also made me really, really happy.  And I think that’s a good thing, a healthy thing.  A normal thing, even.

But I realized that maybe my happiness at losing weight sort of … reconnected in an unhealthily-intertwined kind of way … the idea of happiness and weight loss in my mind.  Such that when I am not losing weight, it feels harder to feel happy.  And I make the distinction between feeling happy and being happy, because with very few exceptions, there’s really nothing about my life that I would change if I could right now.  I am blessed to have a marriage that gets better every day (who knew?!).  A job I really, really like.  A warm, secure home.  Loving family.  Health.  A strong body.  Friends that I cherish and who make me feel cherished.  All gifts for which I am intensely grateful.

So now that I’ve established that I am, when I pay attention, happy and content with my life…

Delving a bit deeper, during the weight-loss portions of my Protocol, a lot of my time has been committed to losing weight – and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  As I have shed the pounds, for the first time in my adult life I feel as though my physical “self” is closer to matching up to who I feel I am on the inside than it has ever been.  Integration – is that the right word for it?  I’m not sure, but I know that I feel more like … ME … at this weight than I have felt … well, really, ever, as an adult.

So chalk up one more reason for the happy, right?  Definitely … except, I am realizing, that part of my lack of contentedness lately seems to be stemming from the fact that I’m not losing weight right now.  Which is dumb because I’m not supposed to be losing weight right now.  I’m supposed to be maintaining my weight.  But my happy feelings got so wrapped up in the losing weight thing recently, that I’m back in that place of not feeling happy because I’m not losing weight.  And instead of being aware of that and reacting like a healthy adult, I have caught myself turning back to food to create a poor facsimile of feeling happy to replace the real happy that my heart is craving.

I’m not sure that this is some “huge” revelation.  It doesn’t feel monumental.  It feels like a small “oh!” moment…you know, the ones that come with a light bulb over your head in the cartoons?  And I don’t know that there’s a “fix” to how I’m feeling right now, except to remember more often all of the reasons I am grateful and blessed.  To disconnect my happy from my weight (and from food) and reconnect it to the important things in my life – my faith, my family, my friends, etc.

Instead of just saying I need to do that, though, I am going to take some concrete steps to do it.  I am going to pull out my old journal and take 5 minutes before bed each night to write down the people/things/experiences for which I am grateful from that day.   And I am going to start each morning with a prayer of thanks for the new day that I’ve been given.  Reminding my heart of what’s important…that is how I am going to find my happy again.

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