Tag Archives | choices

The Roots of Self-Sabotage

By on November 17, 2010 in body, consistency/commitment, eating, emotional stuff, fear, R2P3, self-image

I was reading my friend Kim’s blog today, The Road to Beautiful.  In yesterday’s post, she shared a thought that sparked a realization for me – or at least the beginning of one.  She was talking about how we can psych ourselves out for any number of reasons, and this quote jumped off the page at me: “I gotta wonder, how often do we get psyched out of something that we really want because of fear or self-doubt?”

I keep thinking that this journey is going to get easier as I get closer to goal; the truth is, it’s just getting harder, or maybe just staying hard in different ways.  One would think that having lost 60 pounds in the last 5 months would be enough for me to stop trying to sabotage myself.  One would think getting real and honest with myself would get easier.  But as I am realizing, the opposite is true right now.  I am struggling so hard right now, and the struggle is with myself.  With the old me.  With the Valerie who was 250+ pounds for 15 years, and who doesn’t know how to be any other way.

Remember my post where I talked about my struggle with eating at night and how the brain lags behind the body?  Well I’m still wrestling with that, and the quote above from Kim’s blog zinged straight to the heart of why.  There is a big part of me that is terrified to be where I’m at right now.  I haven’t weighed under 200 pounds since high school.  And I’m thrilled to be here.  And at the same time, I don’t know how to be here, or even who I am at 190 pounds.  How do I live in a body this size?  Who am I, now that I’m not the fat girl?  After over a decade of being bitter that I couldn’t shop in “normal” stores, now I can, and it’s just…weird.

I really want to be at this weight right now, and stay here, and get stronger.
I really want to make healthy, balanced choices through the holidays. 
I really want to continue losing weight when the time is right on my Protocol. 
I really want to reach a healthy weight for my body.
I really want to be the healthiest me I can be. 
I really want to have a baby soon, and having a healthy body will make that easier and healthier for me and my baby.

And if I don’t quit sabotaging myself out of fear of the unknown, I will not achieve any of those things (and more) that I really want.   And so I guess I’m realizing that the self-sabotage I’m experiencing right now really is all about that – fear of the unknown.  Because all of those “really wants” up there are totally unknown to me.

I don’t know what it’s like to make healthy, balanced choices through the holidays.
I don’t know what it’s like to live at a healthy weight.
I don’t know what it’s like not to be the fat girl.
I don’t know what it’s like to be the healthiest me I can be.

So now that I have this epiphany, it’s going to get easier, right?  I’m going to stop sabotaging myself, right?  I won’t be tempted to nosh my way through the evening anymore, right?  RIGHT?!

Well, maybe, maybe not.  What I do know is that it’s up to me.  It’s up to me what happens next.  Now that I know where this behavior is coming from, I can face it head on.  Instead of eating out of fear (either of the unknown or just of feeling the fear), I will face my fear head on.  I will not be perfect and I will screw up.  But damned if I’m going to let the fear of the unknown keep me from reaching my goals.  I’ve never done that before, and I’m not gonna start now.

Do you sabotage yourself sometimes?  Do you know why?  How have you fought back against self-defeating thoughts and behaviors?

Comments { 28 }

The Healthy Eating Experiment

By on May 4, 2010 in Uncategorized

Warning…warning…EPIC post ahead!

You may remember just over three weeks ago, I decided to try an experiment.  I wanted to chuck counting calories and spend a month listening to my body and following some general healthy eating guidelines.  The idea behind my decision was to spend a month living (or trying to live) like someone without serious food issues.

In the time that has since passed, I have maintained my weight (well, I gained a pound but you and I both know that could just be a good poo! lol (sorry if that was TMI!)) and learned a lot of stuff about myself.  Here’s some of what I learned:

  • I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I was before I started learning to live healthy in 2006.
  • Once I get to maintenance, I think I’ll do well without constant counting and tracking of calories.
  • There are some healthy habits that I’ve got dialed, and others that I need to work on before they become truly automatic.
  • I am a slow/repeat learner – there are some lessons I feel like I may be learning over and over again for the rest of my life!
  • For me, right now, I won’t lose weight (or I’ll lose at an excruciatingly slow pace) unless I am counting SOMETHING.
  • I can trust myself, which feels so. freaking. good.
  • Whether I’m tracking/counting or not, my eating habits fluctuate throughout the month.  I need to become more aware of my hormones so I can respond to/plan for those fluctuations!  Otherwise, my hormones do this to my eating habits:

Overall my eating was generally healthy.  Not having to track everything every day was a welcome relief and I enjoyed the break from constantly thinking about food.  And it really did feel like that – like I went from obsessing about food to just…eating when I was hungry, not worrying about every bite, etc.  So as I ease back into tracking and counting, I want to figure out a way to find a balance – a way to give myself that same feeling like food isn’t an obsession.  But I will need to think about things more since the numbers will matter.  So that’s one thing I’m pondering on – do you have any suggestions for me?  Ways I can be committed to tracking and counting calories without feeling like food is on my brain all. the. effing. time.??!  It’s kind of like the elephant in the room – I need to think about it, but don’t want thoughts about food to dominate my consciousness, but I don’t want to avoid thinking about it either.

Another blessing in these last weeks is knowing that I can trust myself not to gain gobs of weight if I stop counting everything.  There was a big difference for me between the last few weeks and times in the past when I’ve just gotten sick of being on a diet and decided to “take a break.”  This wasn’t a break – this was an experiment.  I was still committed to healthy living and I was still living and choosing within certain guidelines.  And now that my experiment is over, I’m going back to tracking with some new insights.  Where before, a “break” would have turned into a never-ending downward spiral, I found a healthy way to give my brain a break without “breaking” my commitment to healthy living.

Speaking of healthy living, you know how I said one thing I learned is that I’m a slow/repeat learner?  I don’t know how long it will take me to really BELIEVE in my core that exercise is pretty much the key for me in everything.  When I am working out regularly, I sleep better, feel better, have no back pain, eat healthier, and am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually level.  When I’m not working out?  It all goes to hell in a hand basket, starting with my eating and ending with my emotional even-keel-ed-ness.  Ask my husband.

I bailed on my workouts for one week and was miserable.  One week after getting back to the gym, I was feeling great.  When I’m not working out, every molehill feels like a mountain.  When I’m working out, even enormous mountains feel conquerable.  So, note to self.  Wait, I’m sorry, NOTE TO EFFING SELF!!!  Quit pretending that exercise is negotiable!

Conclusion

Overall I’m glad I did this experiment.  Learning that I can trust myself and learning where I need to improve was worth the time I invested in it.  But you know what?  I’m ready to start losing weight again.  And my brain feels like the 3+ week “break” from counting really did some good.  I feel like I just went on vacation, mentally, and am ready to come home, unpack, do laundry, and go back to my normal life.  I’ll ease back into things by starting to track everything for the next few days.  Then, this weekend, I’ll go shopping, do some cooking, and be ready to hit the ground running on Monday.  Hard.

Comments { 8 }

Renewed Determination

By on April 8, 2010 in Uncategorized

Y’all, I am so tired of hearing myself whine about how I’m struggling.  How this is hard.  How I can’t get it together.

I’m calling bullshit on my own damned self.

The truth is, that this is hard is not a revelation.  It’s not new information, and I am not the only person for whom this is difficult.  This is an uphill climb for all of us, in one way or another.

So the question for me is, am I going to get off my bike, throw a tantrum, and end up rolling back down the hill?  Or am I going to keep battling until I get to the top?

I think you know the answer to that question, but for the sake of saying it out loud and because words have power:

I am not giving up.
I am not giving in.
I am done making excuses.
I am determined and committed that making healthy choices can be my everyday way of life.

Sometimes I feel like I’m hanging off a cliff, and my next choice can send me plummeting down to the ground.  Kinda like this:

(I’m not really a fan of the quote, but you get the idea.)  The reality, though, is more like climbing up hill.  Every mistake is just a mistake; a stumble might set me back a few paces, a fall might mean I roll downhill a bit.  But no one choice can “reset” this journey and put me back at the starting line.  Only I can do that, and it would require a long series of bad choices, of days where I just don’t care.

And I’ll be honest; I’ve been having a lot of those lately.  And no, of course it’s not that I really don’t care; it’s just that it all feels like too much sometimes.  I’d like to have days where it’s not such hard work.  But you know what?  Life isn’t always easy, and most easy things aren’t worth much.  The hard things?  They’re worth working for.  So I’m done whining and complaining.  I’m done taking the easy road because it doesn’t go anywhere I want to be.

It’s a cliche, this whole idea that even the longest journey begins with a step.  But it’s a cliche for a reason.  And every day, every step, we have the opportunity to reaffirm our choice of destination.  Every time we stray off the path, our next step is a chance to readjust and point ourselves back in the right direction.  So that’s what I’m doing today.  I’m drawing a line in the sand and saying enough is enough.

Today’s Plan:

  • Plan and track food (done)
  • Stick to the plan
  • Do my planned workout (Zumba)
  • Get to bed early and kick this cold
  • No sugar, especially not the chocolate chip cookies with three different kinds of chocolate chips in them that are in the office calling my name tempting me but are not worth the calories.

21-Day Challenge Update

I started strong, friends, but this cold sidelined me!  So tomorrow I will be restarting and committing to 21 days of getting up on the schedule I set for myself.  Don’t worry – our “official” challenge here won’t reset; we’ll still have reports and a prize on April 22 so y’all can toot your horns and tell me how good you did.  And/or share your challenges, ask for help, etc.  That’s what we’re all about.

Comments { 4 }

Just One Thing

By on April 2, 2010 in Uncategorized

Has anyone else notices how hard we are on ourselves when it comes to this healthy living stuff?  I’ll start this post off with a rundown of what I’m not saying:

  • That we should lower the bar;
  • That we shouldn’t expect great things from ourselves;
  • That we can’t accomplish the wildly and incredibly difficult tasks we’ve set before ourselves.

And a whole lotta other stuff.  I’m not saying this isn’t important, or that we can’t do it, or that we shouldn’t set goals and work hard to achieve them.

But, damn – we are so freaking hard on ourselves.  Let me set it up for you: You’ve had a great day.  Your workout kicked a$$, your food was dialed in, and you drank your water.  A friend calls to ask you out for drinks, you go a little overboard on the appetizers, and all of a sudden you go from thinking you’ve had a great day to a horrible one.  Or you have a fight with your significant other and jump head-first into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.  (Boo, stop it – I know what you’re thinking!  This is absolutely not coming from personal experience……at least not recently.  Unless last night counts.  *sigh*)

Boom.

A good day turns into a bad day.  You go from thinking you’re strong and committed to thinking you’re weak and should be committed, and it happens so fast your eyelids are still coming up from the blink.

Why do we give so much more weight to our poor choices than to our good ones?

Yes, I know – poor choices are what got me here.  I didn’t end up 100 pounds overweight by “slipping up” every now and then.  Clearly that’s true – no argument here.  But (and I really hate to use that word, because it sounds like I’m arguing the previous point – I’m not) there is  also a difference between the behavior that got me here to begin with and the mistakes I make along the road to health.

For example, compare a day in my “old” life to a day in my new one.

The point I’m trying to make is this: We sabotage ourselves by focusing constantly on the negative instead of the positive.  Every time we make a poor choice or a mistake, we beat ourselves up.  That negativity creates a downward spiral, friends.  We go from making a mistake TO BEING A FAT, LAZY, WEAK PERSON.

Let me ask you this: if a friend came to you and told you about a mistake she had made at work or in her relationship, what would you do?  Would you berate her for the mistake, call her stupid, tell her it was an indictment on her character and a  testament to her moral weakness?  Or would you listen sympathetically, provide comfort, and maybe give her some suggestions about how to avoid the mistake in the future?  Remind her that she’s a good person and that no one’s perfect?  Help her see that even though she made a mistake, she almost always does the right thing?

That’s what I thought.

So here’s my challenge to you today.  Oh, yes, apparently we’re all about challenges up in here lately.  I want you to treat yourself with kindness today, or one day this week (well, actually, I want us all to start doing this every day, but I’ll take what I can get!).

I want you to recognize every single good, healthy choice you make.  Carry a pen and paper around with you, put it in your phone, whatever.  Just make a list.  Did you park farther away from the door?  Add it.  Did you pack your lunch?  Add it.  Did you avoid the candy bowl at work?  Add it.  Did you eat the lunch you actually packed instead of caving in and going to Jack in the Box for a burger and shake?  Add it.  Did you take the stairs?  Add it.  Did you stick to your plan to have only one drink at happy hour?  Add it.

You get the idea.  Pick a day in the next week and promise to do the following:

  1. Keep a running list of every single good choice you make during the day.
  2. Post it on your blog, or in a comment here, or brag to a friend.  Give yourself credit for your good choices, dammit!
  3. Keep a list of your mistake(s), too.
  4. Instead of feeling like crapadoo over it/them, write a plan for how you will avoid that mistake in the future.
  5. Promise me that you won’t judge yourself for your mistakes.
  6. Promise me, in fact, that for at least one day, you will treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you have for your friends.
  7. At the end of the day, review your lists.  Really consider and appreciate every good choice you made that day.  View the mistakes as what they are – mistakes, not moral failings.  Approach them constructively (“how can I avoid this in the future?”) instead of destructively (“I am a lazy fatass and a bad person”), and then let them go.

You in?

Comments { 12 }

Refocusing on the Goal

By on March 29, 2010 in Uncategorized

Many of you already know that I have been struggling mightily wimpily to keep my eating in check lately.  I know that, for me, getting my eating right is the single most important piece of this puzzle.  Without doing that, I know that I cannot lose weight, be healthy, and maintain a healthy weight for life.

As we have all experienced, to one degree or another, there are ebbs and flows, highs and lows with the eating thing.  Some days it feels EASY.  I wish I always felt easy, but it doesn’t.  There are days when it feels like it’s not within my power to choose to eat healthily.  I know that’s not true – it’s always my choice what to eat.  It’s just that some days, it feels like a monumental task.

One of the things that I’ve learned over the last few years since I started this latest of many attempts successful journey to healthiness is that I constantly have to retool my program and refocus my attention on what I want and why I’m doing what I’m doing.  Not eating the cookie that I want is really annoying sometimes.  But not eating that cookie feels a lot easier when I am conscious of the reason why I’m not eating it.  Or why I’m only eating one instead of 18.

I need to refocus now on the reasons I am making these choices.  I know I’m not alone in that there have been times when I wondered if I was just “destined” to be overweight.  Why not just quit fighting and just enjoy my life as it is?  Why work so hard for a goal that, sometimes, seems unattainable when I could just take the “easier” path and settle for good enough instead of great?

Here are a few of the reasons why:

  • I will look and feel better.
  • I will sleep better.
  • I will feel sexy, healthy, and STRONG.
  • My sex life will be better.
  • I want to reclaim my inner athlete!
  • I’ll set a good example for my niece and nephews, and my future children.
  • Because I can.
  • I will be SO proud of myself.
  • I’ll be able to buy cuter, cheaper clothes and shop in regular stores.
  • Hiking, skiing, salsa dancing – they’ll all be easier!
  • I want to grow old – REALLY old.  And I want to do it gracefully, with a minimum of pain and “slowdown.”
  • I deserve to be strong, healthy, and fit, and I am worthy of the time, effort, and expense that goal will require.

I’ve said before that I don’t care how long this journey takes me.  I need to revise that statement.  I don’t care if it takes me 12 months or 3 years.  I do care that it not take me forever!  In the spirit of not over-thinking (as I usually do) and just doing, I’m making some commitments for this week.   They are:

1. Get in my planned workouts.
2. Calendar workouts right after I post this.
3. Calendar time to do meal planning and build grocery list tonight.
4. Calendar time to grocery shop and cook at least one meal tomorrow.
5. Cook another meal Wednesday evening.
6. Plan my food in advance each day this week.
7. Track my food every day this week.
8. Stay under 2,000 calories every day this week.

I have lots to do, so I’ll get to it!

What goals can you set for yourself this week to move towards your goals?  Do you need to refocus on the reasons why you’re doing this?

Comments { 8 }