Tag Archives | eating

3 Christmas Gifts

By on December 26, 2010 in body, eating, family, food, gratitude, holiday, hunger, mindfulness, R2P4, working out

Good morning, friends!  I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and were able to spend time with your nearest and dearest yesterday.  I had a fantastic day with my family.  It occurred to me as we were sitting around the dinner table last night – just the 11 of us – that our “small” family Christmas might be more than many people can take!  It was loud and crazy and there were kids yelling, a baby crying (not often, though), too many butts in the kitchen, a maze of toys and small pieces to step over in just about every room…and it was perfect!  When you picture my family, start with the family from My Big Fat Greek Wedding…switch the ethnicity from Greek to Lebanese…tone down the crazy by about 50%…and you’ll have a decent idea of what my family is like.

3 Christmas Gifts

Even in the midst of that chaos, I continued to think about some of what I’ve been chewing on lately (pun intended).  And I re-realized (yes, I’m that girl who has to learn the same lesson over and over again…sue me) a few things that made me feel pretty darn silly.  In a good way.  These three realizations are a gift to me, for the reasons outlined below.  I’m sharing them with you in the hopes that maybe something in here will be a gift to you.

Realization #1: I am okay.  I am okay now.  I will be okay in the future.  This doesn’t mean that I will not struggle, stumble, fall, or trip multiple times in life (heck, multiple times per day!).  But one thing being with my family makes me realize?  I’m so blessed.  I’m loved.  I’m not alone.  No matter what I go through in life, I have a whole bunch of people in my corner who would do anything to help me succeed.  What more can I ask?

Realization #2: My body craves exercise.  My plan was to get in a hard cardio workout on Christmas Eve, but one thing (staying up late the night before) led to another (sleeping in) led to another (packing my gym clothes but going to my sister’s house with the intention of stopping at the gym on my way home instead of on the way there), and my workout didn’t happen.  I let it not happen.  And you know what my body told me?  Cut that shit crap out.  My body craves movement now in a way I never realized before, and when I go more than one day without it?  I hear about it.  Harder to sleep.  Back starts to ache.  So, note to self…unless extraordinary circumstances exist, the workout has to be my #1 priority.

Realization #3: This is probably the most important one.  My body is satisfied with far less food than my mind. Maybe this is a no-brainer for y’all, but I think I’m learning this lesson in multiple ways over time.  I realized this last night as I was still feeling full from dinner when I got home at 11:30 p.m.  Granted, we ate late, but this was a mini-revelation for me!  I had eaten over 3 hours before and I was not yet hungry!  And what’s more, I had only eaten one plate of food!  Which was at least half vegetables! 

This body of mine, it is wise.  And it has known ever since I lost this most recent chunk of weight that I don’t need as much food to nourish my body.  My mind?  Not so much.  Lagging behind the body a bit.   Rebelling against what it views as “restriction” and “deprivation” in terms of reduced food intake.  But even though it was kind of a “duh!” moment, it is also so encouraging me to re-learn this lesson.  Because all I have to do is learn to pay more attention to my body than to my brain.  Learning to be mindful of what I am eating and why will be hard, but ever so worth it, because my body knows what it needs…all I have to do is listen.

So along with the new watch and the gift of cash from my parents and the wonderful hand-made ornaments and drawings I received from my family, I am also treating these reminders as gifts, too.  I am encouraged, my friends.  I know what to do.  I know I am capable.  I know the struggle is not over.  But I know now more than ever that I can succeed.  You can, too!

How was your Christmas?  Did the holiday help you remember or realize new things about yourself?

Comments { 14 }

Mindfulness

By on December 23, 2010 in eating, emotional stuff, food, hunger, mindfulness, R2P4

That word up there?  The title of this post?  That one little word, I am realizing, is going to be one of the keys to my life.  To my happiness.  To my ability to maintain a healthy weight for the rest of my life.  I am sure if I went through my blog posts back to the very beginning, I would discover that this is not the first time this word has appeared on this blog.  Nor will it be the last.

Wikipedia has this to say about mindfulness:

Several definitions of mindfulness have been used in modern Western psychology. According to various prominent psychological definitions, Mindfulness refers to a psychological quality that involves

bringing one’s complete attention to the present experience on a moment-to-moment basis

or involves

paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally,

or involves

a kind of nonelaborative, nonjudgmental, present-centered awareness in which each thought, feeling, or sensation that arises in the attentional field is acknowledged and accepted as it is.

Mindfulness is something that I don’t do very well, haven’t made a priority in my life, for a number of reasons.  It requires me to slow down and pay attention to myself, my circumstances, my feelings, my thoughts.  That is uncomfortable for me because I’m not used to it, and it feels like a lot of effort and a lot of time to me.  Another reason I avoid mindfulness is that mindfulness and denial cannot coexist!  And, if I’m being honest, sometimes denial is a lot more comfortable than awareness.  Or, if it’s not comfortable, exactly…at least it’s not painful.  Which mindfulness can be.  I’ve talked before about how I have used food to disconnect with my feelings or circumstances, so if I’m using food like that, you can imagine that choosing to be mindful…to fully experience the feelings that I was trying to avoid to begin with…well, that’s a toughie for me.

I’m realizing even as I type this post that part of the reason I have avoided the practice of mindfulness in my life is fear.  And if you know me at all, you know this does not sit well with me.  I believe that fear is the opposite of faith and love. I want to live my life from a place of faith and love, not from a place of fear.  So here we go…realizing that means I have to give this mindfulness thing a shot.  If for no other reason than I refuse to let fear win.

I wonder where the fear comes from, though.  And I wonder, at what point in my life did I go from the utter and complete mindfulness of the way a child experiences life – fully in the moment! not worried about the future! experiencing every sensation, feeling, and experience as it comes! … well, when did I go from living like that, to living without really living?  Just skating by?  Not really experiencing every moment, but sort of…surfing on the wave of life in a very passive way?  (And yes, I realize that this whole post is a grammatical nightmare. Sue me.)

I feel like I’ve been having a series of mini-revelations lately.  Not really new revelations, but reaffirmations of things I know, but haven’t fully embraced.  Things I’ve realized but had forgotten.  Add this one to the list.  The posts I’ve written lately are coming from a place of introspection.  And, to be honest, some fear.  I haven’t shaken the 15 years of obesity from my mind yet.  There’s a part of me that is afraid this is a dream.  That I will wake up and never have lost the weight.  Or that I will gain it all back again, because after all – that is what I do.

Well, not anymore.  What I do is keep going.  Do the next thing.  Put one foot in front of the other.  Experiment – with workouts, with food, with all of it.  Acknowledge the fear, but refuse to allow it a place in my heart or my decision-making process.

This is not a short trip with a destination.  This is for life.  And that is why this time is different.  I’m in this for life.  Ups and downs.  Good and bad.  Hard and easy.  Whatever it takes.

Right now, what I know is that part of what it will take is slowing down.  Being mindful.  Being in the moment more often than not.  Experiencing all of what life throws my way actively, rather than passively surfing along and getting by.  I don’t know yet exactly how I am going to embrace this whole mindfulness thing.  But I want to do it.

This is where you come in.  Do you practice mindfulness or a similar discipline that requires you to consciously live each moment of life?  Any good books or websites you can refer me to?  Tips for how I can incorporate this practice into my life?  Stories about how practicing mindfulness has changed your life?

Comments { 11 }

Something to Chew on…How to Survive Living with a Fit Spouse While You’re Still a Fatty

By on November 8, 2010 in Betsy, body, eating, emotional stuff, family, food, guest post, spouse

Without further ado, please to enjoy today’s guest post from our friend Betsy!

Like I’ve said, I’m married to a smart, funny, loving man known here as FitHub. He also happens to be one of those freaks of nature that can consume an entire bag of Smartfood in one sitting plus a heaping bowl of natural vanilla ice cream with nuts and chocolate sauce while sipping on IPA’s only hours after eating one of my scrumptious, homemade meals and Not. Gain. A. Pound. And I hate that about him.

Yes, I do begrudge him his metabolism. I mean it’s nifty-keen that his is obviously powered by several nuclear power plants, but why can’t he share the metabo love?

FitHub finds eating a nuisance. (God, I know, right? Who is this guy?) He doesn’t cook. But he does grill (and he is a talented grill master delighting us with grilled BBQ pizzas and beef brisket and jalapeno lime chicken). Actually, I prep and he grills. Anyhow, eating disrupts his day and he resents it.

So here I am: an overweight, forty-something with my eye on the fit-and-slender prize, and the love of my life, my slim, healthy, active hubby is snacking and eating and drinking. So how do we partners come to grips with living with a fit person who can eat and eat when we’re still determinedly fighting our way to the healthy-body-weight-promised land?

Well, I have years of experience with this one and thought maybe I could help some of you out by sharing how I cope.

Lesson #1: Do not try and keep up. He will eat you into a Size 28.
As I mentioned, this man can eat and since I like to eat we’re a foodie-match-made-in-heaven. Except when he eats he actually burns off the calories and when I eat you can actually see my double chin getting fatter. But for years I allowed FitHub’s voracious appetite to serve as my permission slip for shoveling unhealthy quantities of my faves into my mouth with wild, blissful abandon. He stayed thin. I got fat. Bummer. So whether you’re noshing on pizzas and ice cream or homemade, healthy food be mindful of your portions and keep ‘em reasonable despite what your partner with the killer-metabo is eating.

Lesson #2: He can eat ice cream every night. You can’t.
I can hear y’all now screaming, “Yes, you can have your cake and eat your ice cream too!” Yeah, I know we can all eat our ice cream but seriously when your goal is to LOSE weight it’s best to skip it 6 out of 7 nights. Funny enough, I spent years telling FitHub that I had accounted for the ice cream calories in my daily food plan/log (which is completely true) and therefore I can have the ice cream. Everyday. He would counter with a loving, “You don’t lose weight by eating sugar and fat.” And after 20 years of living with this man do you know what I finally learned? He was right. It’s not just about the number of calories I consume each day. It’s also about the quality of those calories. So skip the ice cream and go for a walk.

Lesson #3: He doesn’t have to exercise everyday. But you do.
If your partner with the high-functioning metabolism is like mine, they don’t need to exercise everyday to maintain their weight and health. Take FitHub for example. During the summer months he rides his bike in the mountains one to three times a week. During the winter he slaps on skis and skins and goes backcountry skiing one day a week and he curls one day a week. He is lean, strong, fit and healthy. He is nearing Lance Armstrong-lean if you know what I’m sayin’. He doesn’t go to the gym. He doesn’t lift weights or do crunches. He does move. A lot. All day long he is moving. He parks far from his building and rides his bike. His office is on the third floor and he always takes the stairs. He tinkers in the garage in the evenings, does yard work, washes cars…you get the idea. But FitHub is a rare breed (and secretly his parents, sibling, friends, and me are all waiting for his metabolism to slow down a wee bit and add a few pounds to his body) so he maintains his fitness with intense workouts done only once or a few times each week. The rest of us must be a tad more diligent if we hope to become and/or maintain our fitness and health. So get moving. Daily.

Lesson #4: He will never understand your food struggle so save your breath.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t attempt to share your feelings toward food with your partner because I think open communication is key to a long-lasting relationship (FitHub and I are going on 22 years). But know that no matter how eloquently you drone on about the comfort you gain from food, or how it makes you feel safe, or how it’s been your friend when you had no others: he is not going to get it. It won’t be for a lack of wanting to understand. It’s just that his brain never linked food to emotions and he just eats to fuel his body. Sure he gleans pleasure from food when he shares a meal with folks but he doesn’t reach for it to soothe his ills, so it’s hard for him to relate to the pain and struggle of letting go of food as comfort. And here’s the real shocker. He doesn’t lay awake in bed at night thinking about the Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer or the leftover pizza in the fridge. No really. It’s true!

Lesson #5: He will be your greatest champion. If you let him.
So while he can out eat you and not gain an ounce. And while he can get by with working out only a few times each week, and remain fit. And while he doesn’t obsess about food, or plan and log each bite he puts in his mouth, he will be your greatest champion. But you have to let him. Now this gets a bit tricky because if you’re as messed up about food as I am, when someone tells you that you shouldn’t eat something, you want to eat it to spite them. (Yes, I do understand that eating the food really won’t hurt them, just me.) So getting my brain to find peace in the moment when he questions what I’m eating, when I’m eating it, and how much I’m eating is taking loads of patience. And when he tells me that maybe I’m not pushing myself hard enough during my workouts (despite the heart rate monitor telling me that I’m working at 80-85% of maximum) I get a little cheesed off. So after I have eaten to spite him and bailed on a workout (because what’s the point if he doesn’t think it’s doing any good?), I remind myself that he’s on my side even if his choice of words and methods sting. He wants me to succeed because he wants me to be happy; and I know this because I’ve asked him and he’s told me. So just like your fit partner won’t ever really understand why food has such an emotional hold on you, you too won’t really understand why he thinks telling you that you’re not working hard enough is going to motivate you to work harder. But I’ve learned that FitHub is here for me. He doesn’t complain that dinner isn’t ready until 8:00 p.m. because I’ve been at Zumba class. He thinks I can do things that I know I am clearly not strong enough for yet (like mountain biking at 6,000 feet above sea level and pedaling, uphill to 8,000 feet). He praises me for going to fitness classes. And he tells me he is proud of me. He can see the me I want to become. So I forgive him his metabolism and less-than-inspiring-motivational-speak because he is my champion. When I let him.

Does your partner have a killer metabolism? If so, how do you cope? Who, beside yourself, is your champion? Have you ever tried to communicate your relationship with food to someone who never used food for comfort? While your laying in bed (or on the sofa) does food call out to you from the fridge?

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A New Season

By on September 15, 2010 in eating, food, hcg, hunger, R2P2, VLCD, weight

First, thank you all so much for the wonderful tweets and comments about My First 10K Recap – your support, encouragement, and excitement mean the world to me!

A New Season

On this LCJ (Life Changing Journey), there are many different “phases” or seasons or whatever you want to call them.  There’s the excitementfeartrembling that we feel when we start.  The feeling of happiness and ease when we first adopt a new lifestyle, and see the pounds come off.  There are the ups and the downs; the losses, the maintains, and the gains.  The struggles and the triumphs.  The weeks we lose when we shouldn’t have, and the weeks we gain or maintain when we’ve worked our butts off and eaten as healthy as we know how.  There’s the dreaded plateau.  And then, once we’ve traveled the road, experienced all its detours and bumps and potholes and views, on day we reach our goal.  And we experience the part of the LCJ called maintenance.

I’m not there yet.  I’m not even in Onederland yet.  But I can’t wait to get there.  And as much as I have absolutely loved focusing on my running and training for my 10K for the last several months, I am ready to get back to losing weight.  Newer readers might not be aware that my chosen method of weight loss is the HCG Protocol.  You can read my very first post about it here for the basic gist of what the Protocol requires and how it works.  And some questions from readers, along with my answers, can be found in this post.

Today is Round 2, Phase 2, Day 1.  That means that starting today, I am on a Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD) combined with the HCG hormone shots.  Monday and Tuesday were Round 2, Phase 1, Days 1 & 2 – the days where I am required to “load” or “feast” – basically eat a high fat diet to ensure that my body’s “normal” fat stores are replenished – while also injecting with HCG.  Loading helps ward off hunger during the first week or so of the VLCD, and it worked beautifully for me my first round.

I noticed a big difference this time, though.  On my first round, the whole thing was new to me.  And I was still attached to the idea of how much I loved food.  How hard it would be to go without.  How awfully I thought I would crave all the foods I couldn’t eat on the VLCD.  So my load days for Round 1 were LOAD DAYS.  Full stop.  Whatever I wanted, I ate.  Even though the HCG made me feel not-hungry most of the time, I was determined to get my “last hurrah” in with all the foods I loved.

I remember being very upset that the Lebanese store near my house didn’t have any labneh in stock during my load days last time around…this is a food I adore, but also a food I have a very hard time eating in moderation.  I was almost panicked over the fact that I wouldn’t get my “fix” before going on the VLCD.

What’s changed?  I have.  My mind has changed.  The way I view food has changed.  My emotional reliance on food, while not wiped out completely, has lessened a considerable amount.  So loading this time around?  It felt kind of gross.  I did it because I trust the Protocol and I know it works.  I know it’s an important part of the process that will allow me to lose weight consistently and without hunger while on the VLCD.  So I very deliberately ate my high fat, moderately high calorie diet for the last two days…and my body can feel the difference.  How?  Here are some of the sensations I’ve felt over the last two days, that I haven’t experienced in a while:

  • Stuffed, uncomfortably so
  • Bloated
  • Lethargic
  • Low-energy
  • Spacey
  • Congested

I’m sure I can think of more adjectives, but the bottom line is my body?  It’s not used to eating like crap.  And when I do, it tells me, loud and clear: “CUT IT OUT!”  Which tickles me to no end, because it reaffirms what I’ve been learning along this LCJ, which is that my body knows how good it feels to live healthy and clean.  It was just my mind that needed training.

One of the results of this feeling is that my body is almost craving the VLCD.  Which I’m sure is no coincidence.  And me?  Mentally, emotionally, physically?  I’m craving the next steps.  Losing more weight.  Building more muscle.  Running further, lifting more.  Becoming the fittest, strongest VALERIE that I can be.  So…here goes….you with me?

HCG Update

Round 2 Start Date: 09/13/10
Starting Weight: 220.4
R2P2D1 Weight: ______

You’ll see more detailed stats here as time goes on, but this is what I’ve got for you today!

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What I’m Learning

By on June 15, 2010 in eating, emotional stuff, family, food, hcg, R1P2

I know I promised this blog wouldn’t turn into all HCG all the time, but I might have to rescind that promise.  I am learning so much about myself because of being on this protocol, and I can’t (and won’t) not process through that here (and, as a result, share it with you all).

I am learning something really big right now that I’m not sure what to do with.  I’m realizing that not partaking of the food part of a family gathering doesn’t make it any less fun for me.  I don’t feel deprived…but I really expect and almost…want to feel deprived, which is really effing confusing!

My niece turned 5 on Sunday (sidebar: how in the world did that happen? where does the time go? and does the fact that I just said those two things make me old?!?!).  We had a big family party for her; the kids were in bathing suits playing in the kiddie pool and on the slip and side; we made hot dogs and had munchies (including lots of fruits and veggies, hooray), opened presents, applied temporary tattoos (princess tats FTW!) on the kiddies, had cake and ice cream, and generally it was an all-around good time.

Sundays are my non-injection days, so I was feeling a tiny bit hungry by the afternoon, which made not eating a little hard.  But overall, it wasn’t that big of a deal.  I still had fun, talking with friends and family, holding babies, serving cake and ice cream (do you know how hard it is to do that without licking your fingers?!), doing dishes, keeping children from killing themselves and each other, and snatching brief moments to bask in the sunshine.

Out of habit, I tried to tell myself that not eating was hard.  That it was making me unhappy.  That it was keeping me from enjoying the gathering.  But when I really examined my feelings and enjoyment level, I realized that wasn’t true.  I’m so “habit-ed” into thinking that food is crucial to enjoyment and pleasure, that I almost believed that was true yesterday.

Let me repeat that: I have conditioned myself to think that I can’t enjoy myself without food. Food has been a source of PLEASURE for so long in my life, and sometimes the ONLY source of that pleasure, that I have food and pleasure all mixed up in my head.  Like, in the can’t-tell-them-apart kind of way.

I know it’s a good and healthy thing to enjoy food, and to take pleasure in it.  It’s one of the best things about being human, in my opinion.  It makes me think that God is a genius, actually.  Just think – every bodily function could be mundane and boring and a chore.  But they’re not.  We get to enjoy eating and sex and, yes, I’ll say it, taking a pee.  I’m sorry, but don’t tell me you haven’t had that kind of pee, the one that feels like physical relief almost bordering on pleasure when you finally get to go!  Sorry if that’s TMI.  And maybe that makes me weird.  But these things?  They’re part of why I’m a fan of God.  (Spiders?  Not so much.)  But I digress.

There’s a difference between appropriately enjoying eating and elevating it to god-like status in my mind.  And that’s what I have done for so many years.  Eating wasn’t just to nourish my body; it was to provide pleasure, companionship, company, love, and acceptance.  And eating can’t really do those things, so I had to royally twist stuff up in my head in order to feel like I was getting those things from food.

So that’s what I’m realizing – I’m a little twisted up in the head.  Food is not the only source of pleasure in my life.  I can have tons of fun without one bite of food.  And not eating at a family gathering, even if I’m hungry?  Not the end of the world.  Seriously, I’m blowing my own mind here.

So I’m formulating some goals to correspond with that learning: I want to learn how to put food and eating in their proper place in my life.  How to enjoy food without letting that enjoyment become all-consuming.  How to let go of the twisted-up-in-the-head-ness that I’ve lived with for so long.  I’m not sure how I’m going to accomplish all of that, but I kind of think this is the first step.

HCG Update

HCG Start Date: 6/1/10
Starting Weight: 252.5
VLCD  Starting Weight: 255
R1P2 VLCD Day 11: 238.2
Total Weight Lost: 14.3 pounds

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