Tag Archives | fear

The Roots of Self-Sabotage

By on November 17, 2010 in body, consistency/commitment, eating, emotional stuff, fear, R2P3, self-image

I was reading my friend Kim’s blog today, The Road to Beautiful.  In yesterday’s post, she shared a thought that sparked a realization for me – or at least the beginning of one.  She was talking about how we can psych ourselves out for any number of reasons, and this quote jumped off the page at me: “I gotta wonder, how often do we get psyched out of something that we really want because of fear or self-doubt?”

I keep thinking that this journey is going to get easier as I get closer to goal; the truth is, it’s just getting harder, or maybe just staying hard in different ways.  One would think that having lost 60 pounds in the last 5 months would be enough for me to stop trying to sabotage myself.  One would think getting real and honest with myself would get easier.  But as I am realizing, the opposite is true right now.  I am struggling so hard right now, and the struggle is with myself.  With the old me.  With the Valerie who was 250+ pounds for 15 years, and who doesn’t know how to be any other way.

Remember my post where I talked about my struggle with eating at night and how the brain lags behind the body?  Well I’m still wrestling with that, and the quote above from Kim’s blog zinged straight to the heart of why.  There is a big part of me that is terrified to be where I’m at right now.  I haven’t weighed under 200 pounds since high school.  And I’m thrilled to be here.  And at the same time, I don’t know how to be here, or even who I am at 190 pounds.  How do I live in a body this size?  Who am I, now that I’m not the fat girl?  After over a decade of being bitter that I couldn’t shop in “normal” stores, now I can, and it’s just…weird.

I really want to be at this weight right now, and stay here, and get stronger.
I really want to make healthy, balanced choices through the holidays. 
I really want to continue losing weight when the time is right on my Protocol. 
I really want to reach a healthy weight for my body.
I really want to be the healthiest me I can be. 
I really want to have a baby soon, and having a healthy body will make that easier and healthier for me and my baby.

And if I don’t quit sabotaging myself out of fear of the unknown, I will not achieve any of those things (and more) that I really want.   And so I guess I’m realizing that the self-sabotage I’m experiencing right now really is all about that – fear of the unknown.  Because all of those “really wants” up there are totally unknown to me.

I don’t know what it’s like to make healthy, balanced choices through the holidays.
I don’t know what it’s like to live at a healthy weight.
I don’t know what it’s like not to be the fat girl.
I don’t know what it’s like to be the healthiest me I can be.

So now that I have this epiphany, it’s going to get easier, right?  I’m going to stop sabotaging myself, right?  I won’t be tempted to nosh my way through the evening anymore, right?  RIGHT?!

Well, maybe, maybe not.  What I do know is that it’s up to me.  It’s up to me what happens next.  Now that I know where this behavior is coming from, I can face it head on.  Instead of eating out of fear (either of the unknown or just of feeling the fear), I will face my fear head on.  I will not be perfect and I will screw up.  But damned if I’m going to let the fear of the unknown keep me from reaching my goals.  I’ve never done that before, and I’m not gonna start now.

Do you sabotage yourself sometimes?  Do you know why?  How have you fought back against self-defeating thoughts and behaviors?

Comments { 28 }

Ninja Giving Skillz & Other Stuff

By on October 13, 2010 in emotional stuff, fear, hope/inspiration, self-image, weight

Hey, friends.  I am cooking up a top-secret project that involves being a ninja and giving someone a much-needed gift.  I need your help!  If y’all are interested in knowing more, e-mail me (seattlerunnergirl at gmail.com) and I will give you the skinny.  It’s all anonymous and super hush-hush, so once you know the deets, you are sworn to secrecy.  Don’t spill the beans!

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

I’ve got some thoughts for you.  Yeah, deep thoughts.  Remember when we talked about believing in your own beauty, right now?  And when Betsy talked about who you see when you look in the mirror?  Them’s the kind of deep thoughts I’m thinking.

I don’t know what started this off for me, but I started thinking about shame.  And how much shame we all carry, carried, and/or are trying to let go of, all surrounding the issue of our weight.  And it really makes me angry that so many of us (myself included) have spent so much of our precious time and energy feeling ashamed about our weight.  And in case there are those of you out there struggling with this issue right now, I have some thoughts for you.  Here goes…

Your weight does not define who you are. (Proof: Do you think your loved ones’ weights determine who they are?  Would you want your sister, daughter, friend, or husband feeling ashamed because of their struggle with weight?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.)

The scale is not a measure of your worth. (Proof: Do small children make you get on a scale before deciding they think you are the most awesometastic person on the planet?  Do dogs – who I believe are excellent judges of character – ask to check out the weight on your driver’s license before licking your hand and jumping all over you?  Nope, me neither.)

Don’t be ashamed of your weight.  I spent my whole life terrified that people would find out how much I weighed.  When they did, I was always relieved if they said, “Oh, I never would have guessed it, you carry it so well!”  Whatever the hell that means.  Who cares about this number?  Why are we so ashamed of it?  I have a few theories, which involve a combination of our own inability to confront our reality and the disproportionate emphasis our society places on thinness and weight.  And it’s silly, because you know what?  Now that my blog is connected to my Facebook and all my friends and cousins and business colleagues and God and everybody know how much I weigh now, how much I weighed then, and everything else about this excruciatingly hard but absolutely-worth-it process?

No judgment.
No shame.
No fear.

It’s all gone.  Nobody judged me like I thought they would, or if they did they kept their mouths shut about it.  (Thank God some people remember their manners.)

Being ashamed of your weight leads to you hiding that number.  And keeping things secret out of fear or shame gives those things power over you.  Conversely, if you refuse to allow shame or fear to take hold in your heart, and you instead bring into the light the very thing you are afraid to reveal…well, all I can say is there’s power in that.  Power because you took a stand.  And power because all the horrible things you thought would happen because someone *gasp* knows your weight?

They don’t really happen.  The people in your life will by and large support you and cheer for you and won’t really care what that number is.

And the ones who do care, or judge, or whatever?  Well, I have a few choice words for them, but let’s allow Dr. Seuss to say it in a muchmorepolite way that I never could: “those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

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Learning to Trust Yourself, or Overcoming Fear

By on June 30, 2010 in emotional stuff, fear, R1P2

I am probably starting to sound like a broken record with all this blathering on about learning to trust yourself.  I started to learn this earlier this year when I took a break from counting calories for close to a month and was able to maintain my weight and live healthily without counting every blasted morsel that went into my mouth.

As I’ve continued my journey, I added HCG to my “arsenal” of tools to help me achieve and maintain a healthy weight.  When I started HCG, though, one of my biggest fears was that it would end up being a “quick fix” to my weight problem without continuing to address the deeper issues I struggle with internally.  Which, of course, we all know would ultimately result in the eventual regain of the weight.

I also talk a lot about fear and how much I used to live in fear and how much I try not to anymore.  I’m not always successful, though; hence the “fear” I mentioned in the previous paragraph.  I’ve found it really useful to break down my thinking in order to identify where fear continues to creep in.  You see, I’m learning that for me, fear is the biggest enemy of health, success, wholeness, and living the life I am meant to live.  Fear only has power if I let it, but if I give it that power, it could destroy everything I’m working for.

Let me break it down.  HCG is a tool; a medical “instrument” to help me lose weight and reset my metabolism so that I can maintain a healthy weight for a lifetime.  As with any tool, it is only as good as the skill of its user (that would be me, in conjunction with my doctor).  Yet there I was, afraid that doing HCG would result in a quick fix that wouldn’t address the deeper issues.  That is not a rational fear; I was afraid that HCG would control whether I work on the deeper issues, when only I can control that.

I do this a lot, I think.  I fear my own failure, and instead of just calling a spade a spade, I get scared of all sorts of other stuff that’s just a cover for the real thing.  Totally unproductive and lame, right?

One of the most powerful things I can do to fight fear and to prove my fears unfounded is to do the things I’m scared of doing.  Lose the weight.  Do the work.  Heal myself.  Live healthily.  Trust my body.  LOVE MYSELF.  Doing that stuff has more power than fear ever could.

So I’m living with less and less fear every day, though there are blips and I’m sure there will always be moments.  Fewer and farther between, though – that’s how this thing is working for me.  And I think it can work this way for everyone.  If someone asked me today how to start learning to trust him/her-self, here’s what I would say:

  1. Identify the things you’re scared of.  Name your fear and bring it out into the light.  That alone takes some of the power out of that fear.
  2. One by one, starting small, do the things you’re scared of.  Or, take actions that will prove to yourself that your fears are small and unfounded.
  3. Choose to love yourself today, now.  Start acting like you love yourself and trust your body, even if you’re not quite there yet.  In other words, fake it ’til you make it.
  4. Celebrate every success you achieve, big or small.  Toot your own horn.  Keep track of every good decision; every victory; every lesson learned.

I’m sure there’s more but if you start there, here’s what will happen.   Your fears will “feel” smaller and smaller to you as you pile up trust, love, and victories.  To make a spiritual analogy, over time, your FAITH will become greater than your FEAR and pretty soon, fear will make very short, infrequent appearances in your life.  And you’ll wake up one day realizing that right now, in this moment, you DO trust yourself.  You DO love yourself.  You CAN heal and you CAN succeed.  And that moment will be the beginning of a lifetime of faith, love, trust, and overall good-feeling-ness.

Do you trust yourself?
Do you love yourself?
How can you start doing both, today?

HCG Update

HCG Start Date: 6/1/10
Starting Weight: 252.5
VLCD  Starting Weight: 255
R1P2 VLCD Day 27: 226.8
Total Weight Lost: 25.7 pounds

Comments { 5 }

Live Without Fear

By on June 10, 2010 in fear, R1P2

I have been thinking a lot lately (what with all the time on my hands since I’m no longer thinking about food 24/7) about what it means to live life without fear.  Just do a google search for “fear quotes” and see how many sites come up, and how many quotes there are about fear and how it affects our lives.

I’ve talked before about my belief that pretty much everything we do in life is motivated by one of two emotions: fear and love/faith.  If we are acting out of fear, we are moving away from something; actions motivated by love/faith are about moving towards something good, exciting, or new.

For a long time, I lived my life from fear.  Fear of being fat.  Fear of being alone.  Fear of not being good enough.  Fear of not being able to lose this weight.  Fear of not being lovable and not being loved.  I could go on and on.  I’m sure some of you can add to this list with your own fears and doubts, whether you’re still living in them or have learned how to live beyond your fears.  We’re all afraid of something.  The question is, do we let our fear rule our lives and our choices?

The answer for me was “yes” for a very long time.  And I don’t know how that came about, because, as my brother reminded me this weekend, I was fearless as a child!  Not reckless or careless or stupid, but curious, open, adventurous, and fearless.  Somehow along the way, that fearless little girl got replaced by a fearful woman with all sorts of “what if” questions crowding her soul.  You know the kind:

What if I get hurt?
What if I sprain my ankle?
What if he breaks my heart?
What if he thinks I’m fat?
What if they don’t like me?

And on and on and on…

I’m learning something these last few years of taking charge of my life and making proactive choices instead of reactive decisions.  That open, curious, adventurous, fearless little girl?  She’s still here, friends.  She’s been inside me all along, waiting patiently for me to realize that this fear business?  It’s lame, it’s no fun, and it’s not who I am.  And in learning this, I found the confidence and the faith and the love to step out of my fearful comfort zone and start trying new things.  I learned that my athlete self from high school?  Still here.  My adventurous little girl who loved trying new things?  Still here!  My assertive, almost bossy 11 year old who wouldn’t let anyone take advantage of her?  Yep, she’s still here, too.

Living without fear to me doesn’t mean that you’re never afraid of anything.  It just means that you don’t let that fear dictate your choices in life.  Instead of cowering in a corner worrying about all the things that might happen if you take a chance, you leap into that chance knowing that you might get hurt and things probably won’t be perfect, but that you will be okay no matter what happens.

Today my challenge to you is this: dig down deep and see if there’s a fear that’s been holding you back or keeping you silent in one area of your life.  Name that fear, bring it out into the light, and take your control back from it.  Start with something small so you don’t freak yourself out completely, but start today.  Draw a line in the sand and make a promise to yourself that you will examine each decision in your life, and each opportunity that presents itself, in the light of love/faith instead of the darkness of fear.  Invite the fearless little girl/boy within you to come out and play.  You’ll be glad you did.

Do you feel like you let fear control your life or have you learned to move beyond that?  What is your biggest fear?  Feel free to comment anonymously if you want to name your fear out loud without publicly connecting it to you.

HCG Update

HCG Start Date: 6/1/10
Starting Weight: 252.5
VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet) Starting Weight: 255 (after 2.5 days of “feasting”)
R1P2 VLCD Day 7: 241 (R1P2 = Round 1 Phase 2 – Phase 1 is the loading/feasting)
Total Weight Lost: 11.5 pounds

Comments { 8 }

Announcement

By on June 7, 2010 in hcg

I’ve struggled so hard over the last two weeks with whether to share this information with you, my readers.  On the one hand, I am afraid it will alienate some of you who think my choice (keep reading) isn’t a healthy one.  On the other hand, the only reason I have made the progress I have over the recent months is because I have been able to come here and be honest.  Over and over, that has proven to be a huge benefit to me.  Because being honest and facing my fears and emotions is HEALTHY and part of the healing process for me.  And because y’all have been overwhelmingly supportive and encouraging, even when I’ve failed to lose for months at a time.

The bottom line, though, is that I feel like I’m lying to you when I report that my weight has gone down but I fail to tell the whole truth about why and how that is true.  One thing I’ve been committed to on this blog is 100% honesty with myself and with you.  And I don’t want to depart from that now by telling half-truths or lies of omission.

A few weeks ago, I went to a naturopathic physician for several reasons: I wasn’t sleeping well, I was feeling fatigued even when my sleep was normal, and I was concerned about why I wasn’t losing weight even though my numbers were showing that I should have been – between 1-2 pounds/week.  I have also been experiencing physical pain because of my weight, including sore hips from running and (I can’t believe I’m actually saying this out loud putting this in black and white) pain getting up off the floor when I’m playing with my niece and nephews.

My N.D. listened to my concerns and suggested that I try an adrenal supplement for a period of time, since several of my concerns suggested that I might have low adrenal function.  She also shared with me that as I age, I can only expect the physical side-effects of my obesity to get worse.  She bluntly stated that I was at a HUGE risk for diabetes, heart disease, and dying young.  Just what you want to hear, right?

Then she asked me if I had ever heard of or considered the HCG protocol.  For those who have never heard of it, the original book detailing the protocol can be found here.  An overview of the protocol can be found here.

The theory behind the protocol is this: some bodies have trouble accessing and burning off “abnormal fat,” resulting in failure to lose weight even when a calorie deficit is created and maintained.  Instead, those people lose “normal fat” (i.e., the padding underneath your muscles, bottoms of your feet, etc.) and then their weight loss stalls.  HCG is a hormone that the human body produces while pregnant; it allows your body to constantly access the abnormal fat and turn it into a source of energy in your blood stream (the idea being that a baby in the womb should not receive restricted nourishment only when you actually eat, but should be able to receive nourishment upon demand as it needs it).

The very basic mechanics of the protocol are as follows:

  • Daily injections of HCG;
  • 2-3 “feast” or “load” days once injections begin to replenish normal fat stores in your body;
  • Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD) consisting of 500 calories worth of food for the remaining days on the protocol and 2 days after you stop injections.

Daily injections of HCG in conjunction with the VLCD can result in extraordinary weight loss results, but the best part is that the protocol can result in your body “resetting” its ability to access stored abnormal fat in the future.  So not only do some people lose weight with the protocol, they have a much higher rate of keeping the weight off.

There are a lot more details about the protocol that you can discover online – there are a TON of blogs out there about it as well as informational websites and sites hawking the hormone and related products.  Don’t rely on my understanding or explanation of the protocol; it’s just what I understand and is no substitute for a medical opinion on these issues.  I’m sharing my understanding with you because I have decided to try the HCG protocol.

I know there will be those who think this is dangerous, crazy, and a quick-fix.  All I ask of you is that you (a) do some research before you form your opinion and (b) trust me to have done the same, AND to know how my body feels while on this protocol.  I’m not looking for a quick-fix or a way to avoid doing the work, which is why I ultimately decided to share this information with you all.  I am trying to figure out what is going on with my body, at the same time as I remain committed to working on the internal piece of this puzzle.

To quote another blogger who did the HCG protocol and had concerns about how her friends and family would react: “Trust in my intelligence and my ability to decide what is in my own best interests.  Trust that I am capable of determining how I feel while doing this and determining whether I’m feeling well, or ill.  I need your support, and not your criticism.”

That being said, I’m not saying that I want you to shut up and go away if you have questions or concerns.  I would just ask that before you voice an opinion, you do a little research.  I know that this decision might annoy, scare, or piss some of you off.  I know I might lose readers over this.  (Or maybe I’m just a scaredy-cat who thinks your reaction is going to be way worse than it is!)  But I am realizing that I can’t let fears over my readership dictate how I live my life.  I need to make my choices based on information, values, and an intelligent evaluation of the options in front of me.  Not based on the popularity of my blog.  (And anyone who was unpopular growing up and has found even a little bit of validation via their blog knows how hard that is for me to say!)

So, there you have it.  The focus of this blog won’t change much, other than to report my results (perhaps by way of daily numbers, perhaps weekly, I haven’t decided yet).  I’ll still talk about emotional stuff, food stuff, exercise, stuff, and running in particular.  One of my fervent hopes is that losing some weight via the HCG protocol will make my beloved I can’t believe I just said that! running easier for me!

If you have questions or want to know more, fire away.  If you have concerns, or think of things I should look into as I do the protocol, do tell.  And if you have personal experience with HCG, whether first-hand or through a friend or family member, I’d love to know your stories.

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