Tag Archives | hunger

Mindfulness

By on December 23, 2010 in eating, emotional stuff, food, hunger, mindfulness, R2P4

That word up there?  The title of this post?  That one little word, I am realizing, is going to be one of the keys to my life.  To my happiness.  To my ability to maintain a healthy weight for the rest of my life.  I am sure if I went through my blog posts back to the very beginning, I would discover that this is not the first time this word has appeared on this blog.  Nor will it be the last.

Wikipedia has this to say about mindfulness:

Several definitions of mindfulness have been used in modern Western psychology. According to various prominent psychological definitions, Mindfulness refers to a psychological quality that involves

bringing one’s complete attention to the present experience on a moment-to-moment basis

or involves

paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally,

or involves

a kind of nonelaborative, nonjudgmental, present-centered awareness in which each thought, feeling, or sensation that arises in the attentional field is acknowledged and accepted as it is.

Mindfulness is something that I don’t do very well, haven’t made a priority in my life, for a number of reasons.  It requires me to slow down and pay attention to myself, my circumstances, my feelings, my thoughts.  That is uncomfortable for me because I’m not used to it, and it feels like a lot of effort and a lot of time to me.  Another reason I avoid mindfulness is that mindfulness and denial cannot coexist!  And, if I’m being honest, sometimes denial is a lot more comfortable than awareness.  Or, if it’s not comfortable, exactly…at least it’s not painful.  Which mindfulness can be.  I’ve talked before about how I have used food to disconnect with my feelings or circumstances, so if I’m using food like that, you can imagine that choosing to be mindful…to fully experience the feelings that I was trying to avoid to begin with…well, that’s a toughie for me.

I’m realizing even as I type this post that part of the reason I have avoided the practice of mindfulness in my life is fear.  And if you know me at all, you know this does not sit well with me.  I believe that fear is the opposite of faith and love. I want to live my life from a place of faith and love, not from a place of fear.  So here we go…realizing that means I have to give this mindfulness thing a shot.  If for no other reason than I refuse to let fear win.

I wonder where the fear comes from, though.  And I wonder, at what point in my life did I go from the utter and complete mindfulness of the way a child experiences life – fully in the moment! not worried about the future! experiencing every sensation, feeling, and experience as it comes! … well, when did I go from living like that, to living without really living?  Just skating by?  Not really experiencing every moment, but sort of…surfing on the wave of life in a very passive way?  (And yes, I realize that this whole post is a grammatical nightmare. Sue me.)

I feel like I’ve been having a series of mini-revelations lately.  Not really new revelations, but reaffirmations of things I know, but haven’t fully embraced.  Things I’ve realized but had forgotten.  Add this one to the list.  The posts I’ve written lately are coming from a place of introspection.  And, to be honest, some fear.  I haven’t shaken the 15 years of obesity from my mind yet.  There’s a part of me that is afraid this is a dream.  That I will wake up and never have lost the weight.  Or that I will gain it all back again, because after all – that is what I do.

Well, not anymore.  What I do is keep going.  Do the next thing.  Put one foot in front of the other.  Experiment – with workouts, with food, with all of it.  Acknowledge the fear, but refuse to allow it a place in my heart or my decision-making process.

This is not a short trip with a destination.  This is for life.  And that is why this time is different.  I’m in this for life.  Ups and downs.  Good and bad.  Hard and easy.  Whatever it takes.

Right now, what I know is that part of what it will take is slowing down.  Being mindful.  Being in the moment more often than not.  Experiencing all of what life throws my way actively, rather than passively surfing along and getting by.  I don’t know yet exactly how I am going to embrace this whole mindfulness thing.  But I want to do it.

This is where you come in.  Do you practice mindfulness or a similar discipline that requires you to consciously live each moment of life?  Any good books or websites you can refer me to?  Tips for how I can incorporate this practice into my life?  Stories about how practicing mindfulness has changed your life?

Comments { 11 }

A New Season

By on September 15, 2010 in eating, food, hcg, hunger, R2P2, VLCD, weight

First, thank you all so much for the wonderful tweets and comments about My First 10K Recap – your support, encouragement, and excitement mean the world to me!

A New Season

On this LCJ (Life Changing Journey), there are many different “phases” or seasons or whatever you want to call them.  There’s the excitementfeartrembling that we feel when we start.  The feeling of happiness and ease when we first adopt a new lifestyle, and see the pounds come off.  There are the ups and the downs; the losses, the maintains, and the gains.  The struggles and the triumphs.  The weeks we lose when we shouldn’t have, and the weeks we gain or maintain when we’ve worked our butts off and eaten as healthy as we know how.  There’s the dreaded plateau.  And then, once we’ve traveled the road, experienced all its detours and bumps and potholes and views, on day we reach our goal.  And we experience the part of the LCJ called maintenance.

I’m not there yet.  I’m not even in Onederland yet.  But I can’t wait to get there.  And as much as I have absolutely loved focusing on my running and training for my 10K for the last several months, I am ready to get back to losing weight.  Newer readers might not be aware that my chosen method of weight loss is the HCG Protocol.  You can read my very first post about it here for the basic gist of what the Protocol requires and how it works.  And some questions from readers, along with my answers, can be found in this post.

Today is Round 2, Phase 2, Day 1.  That means that starting today, I am on a Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD) combined with the HCG hormone shots.  Monday and Tuesday were Round 2, Phase 1, Days 1 & 2 – the days where I am required to “load” or “feast” – basically eat a high fat diet to ensure that my body’s “normal” fat stores are replenished – while also injecting with HCG.  Loading helps ward off hunger during the first week or so of the VLCD, and it worked beautifully for me my first round.

I noticed a big difference this time, though.  On my first round, the whole thing was new to me.  And I was still attached to the idea of how much I loved food.  How hard it would be to go without.  How awfully I thought I would crave all the foods I couldn’t eat on the VLCD.  So my load days for Round 1 were LOAD DAYS.  Full stop.  Whatever I wanted, I ate.  Even though the HCG made me feel not-hungry most of the time, I was determined to get my “last hurrah” in with all the foods I loved.

I remember being very upset that the Lebanese store near my house didn’t have any labneh in stock during my load days last time around…this is a food I adore, but also a food I have a very hard time eating in moderation.  I was almost panicked over the fact that I wouldn’t get my “fix” before going on the VLCD.

What’s changed?  I have.  My mind has changed.  The way I view food has changed.  My emotional reliance on food, while not wiped out completely, has lessened a considerable amount.  So loading this time around?  It felt kind of gross.  I did it because I trust the Protocol and I know it works.  I know it’s an important part of the process that will allow me to lose weight consistently and without hunger while on the VLCD.  So I very deliberately ate my high fat, moderately high calorie diet for the last two days…and my body can feel the difference.  How?  Here are some of the sensations I’ve felt over the last two days, that I haven’t experienced in a while:

  • Stuffed, uncomfortably so
  • Bloated
  • Lethargic
  • Low-energy
  • Spacey
  • Congested

I’m sure I can think of more adjectives, but the bottom line is my body?  It’s not used to eating like crap.  And when I do, it tells me, loud and clear: “CUT IT OUT!”  Which tickles me to no end, because it reaffirms what I’ve been learning along this LCJ, which is that my body knows how good it feels to live healthy and clean.  It was just my mind that needed training.

One of the results of this feeling is that my body is almost craving the VLCD.  Which I’m sure is no coincidence.  And me?  Mentally, emotionally, physically?  I’m craving the next steps.  Losing more weight.  Building more muscle.  Running further, lifting more.  Becoming the fittest, strongest VALERIE that I can be.  So…here goes….you with me?

HCG Update

Round 2 Start Date: 09/13/10
Starting Weight: 220.4
R2P2D1 Weight: ______

You’ll see more detailed stats here as time goes on, but this is what I’ve got for you today!

Comments { 6 }

Workouts, Deer, and “Hunger”

By on June 16, 2010 in emotional stuff, food, hunger, R1P2, training, working out

Morning!  I can’t believe I cracked my eyes open (for reals!) at 5:30 a.m.!  Those of you who’ve known me for a little while know that I am not an early-to-rise kind of gal!  But it’s senseless to fight it when my husband is getting up and making noise that early, so I just gave in today.  BTW, I am wearing a full-on business suit.  That’s right, heels, hose, skirt, AND jacket!  This chica gets to go to court this morning – wish me luck!

Workouts

So in keeping with updating y’all on my workouts with the HCG, and to keep a record for myself, I’m reporting in on my personal training session from yesterday.  I met my trainer at 4pm at the studio and she proceeded to kick my ass for the next hour, putting me through all sorts of torture designed to look like exercises.  I made it through about 40 minutes of the session and started to feel a little light-headed.  I stopped long enough to catch my breath, paced myself a little better, and made it through the rest of the hour unscathed.  (Unless you count the excruciating pain in my glutes and hammies which is going to make every time I sit down into a special kind of torture.)

So, for a super high intensity workout (my heart rate was hovering around 170-180 for most of the session!), I can see that the HCG probably had an effect.  Instead of doing one hour of high intensity circuit training, from now on my trainer and I are going to do 30 minutes of that and 30 minutes of yoga.  Based on yesterday’s session, I don’t think doing hot yoga right now is a very good idea, so I’ll be revising my revised June training schedule yet again, to be posted later this week.

Deer

Yes this is a weight loss blog and no I did not eat any deer.  I did, however, almost hit one on my way to work this morning.  In the city.  On a busy main street from my neighborhood to the freeway.  WTF?!  It was the strangest thing (and not because I’m not used to deer, I grew up on a teeny tiny island with lots of deer and not hitting them was actually a part of our driver’s ed course) and the adrenaline surge was better than a cup of coffee to jump start my focus for the day.  Which is good because I’m going to court (did I mention that?).  Not so good for the deer, who I’m sure was more scared than I was!

“Hunger”

My post yesterday about confusing food with pleasure has been the topic of conversation with my husband and with my girlfriends that I went hot-tubbing with last night.  It seems that confusing food and pleasure, or feeling like you can’t experience the latter without the former, is a pretty common thing.  I’m sure I’ll do more posts about this in the future, but I wanted to answer Runnergirl’s question today.  Part of her comment said:

That is exactly how I have always left. Like if I couldn’t enjoy a social occasion properly, I feel left out. At the weekend when I was making sure that I had healthier food, I did feel deprived, because I wanted the taste of bacon and sausage; and instead I made myself do with porridge.

What I don’t get, and that you seem to, so I want to know your secret – is how do you separate the two? Is it just a matter of going along to social occasions and talking to yourself to make sure you don’t feel left out or deprived? Cos, usually when I try and do that it has the opposite effect.

I don’t know if I really have an answer to this, so much as just some thoughts that might help. I’ll start by pointing out something you said: Like if I couldn’t enjoy a social occasion properly… I think it’s important to examine that statement closely.  Why can’t you enjoy a social occasion properly without using food to do so?  Are you going to events you don’t really want to attend and the food is the only thing you enjoy about it?  Can you train yourself, over time, to refocus on the people you’re with, your surroundings, how it feels to be out and about with your husband, etc.?  Realizing that you are telling yourself that you can’t properly enjoy the experience without food is an important step.

Here are my other thoughts:

First, I enjoy being with my family and friends pretty much no matter what we are doing.  We occasionally do non-food-related activities together, and those are just as much fun as anything else!  So I think part of why Sunday was so much fun is that there was a gaggle of people, the kids were adorable, the weather was beautiful, and it was the kind of day that you can’t not enjoy!  The food was a big part of it for everyone else, but not partaking of the food didn’t remove a crucial element of the day for me since the rest of it was so much fun.  Truthfully, I rarely attend events that I won’t enjoy apart from the food, because life is too short.  And if I’m at a party, for example, and not having fun?  I’ll just leave early.  I haven’t been using food to enjoy events I would otherwise hate.  And now, I’m learning how to not make food the center of my enjoyment in life, period.

Even more importantly, I am on a strict protocol and I am seeing results.  I know that if I go off the protocol, I will not see results.  The HCG protocol has to be followed pretty precisely otherwise you’re injecting yourself and spending money and spinning your wheels for nothing, and that’s just a drag.  I’ve spent wayyyy too many years spinning my wheels, working hard a lot of the time, and not seeing results.  I don’t want to jeopardize the results I’m seeing now, so there’s pretty much no food in the world that’s worth it to me to go off-protocol.

Third, I am only going to be on the protocol for a short period of time.  It’s not the rest of my life.  If I want hot dogs and birthday cake, I can have them in moderation when I’m done with the protocol.  There will always be more hot dogs and cake and pizza and ice cream; it’s not like the world is in short supply.  So no matter how badly I might want something now, I am not saying “no” forever; just “no” for now.  I’m choosing to delay gratification in favor of a bigger, more important goal.  (And, in truth, the hot dogs and cake on Sunday would not have been that appealing to me had I been off-protocol, but I would have eaten them anyway.  Out of habit, out of solidarity with everyone else there, whatever.)

So those are some of my thoughts.  There’s no secret.  I do think that being on HCG is unique in that it removes hunger from the equation AND it removes most of your choices about food as well.  What I have been left with is my urges to eat, which I know are not about hunger right now, but other things.  And that’s what’s allowed me the clarity and insight to start working through some of this stuff.

HCG Update

HCG Start Date: 6/1/10
Starting Weight: 252.5
VLCD  Starting Weight: 255
R1P2 VLCD Day 13: 237.6
Total Weight Lost: 14.9 pounds

Comments { 8 }

Thoughts About Hunger

By on June 11, 2010 in hcg

Merriam-Webster defines the word “hunger” as follows: 1 a : a craving or urgent need for food or a specific nutrient b : an uneasy sensation occasioned by the lack of food c : a weakened condition brought about by prolonged lack of food; 2 : a strong desire.

One of the side-effects of using HCG is that the hormone somehow suppresses your hunger.  If I were to eat the VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet) without using HCG, I imagine I would be ravenous almost all of the time.  I would also probably experience symptoms of low blood sugar, headaches, etc.  I know this because in the past when I’ve forgotten to eat or circumstances have prevented me from eating for longer than about 6 hours, that’s how I start to feel.  Cranky.  Light-headed.  Headachey.  Shaky.  Almost panicked, physically, to get some food in me.

On HCG?  None of the above.

HCG doesn’t seem to make me think about food any less, although that, too, seems to be changing as the days go by.  In the beginning, I was thinking about food probably 4-5 times/hour.  And not once was it because I felt physically hungry.

A client of mine once suggested that when I get my post-lunch chocolate craving, that I acknowledge the hunger.  Not physical hunger, but a hunger or a need for something else.  Instead of ignoring my body, she suggested I listen to it.  Perhaps, she thought, I was misinterpreting my body’s signals; perhaps I was truly hungry, but for something other than chocolate.  And do you know what?  She was right.  When I sat with the feeling of, “I want chocolate!” and asked myself what my body was really telling me it I needed, I realized that I was tired.  bored.  totally over sitting on a chair in front of a computer for hours at a time thankyouverymuch.  And I discovered that the way to feed the hunger I was experiencing was to give myself a break that would address all three of those issues: fatigue, boredom, and not-wanting-to-sit-any-longer-ness.  So I started taking walks.  It worked 90% of the time, which is pretty damn impressive if you ask me.  It was such a simple thing, but it took someone outside of my head to offer the simplest solution.

Now I’m in this strange state of almost never feeling physical hunger.  Walking by the candy dish at work is not a temptation.  The Luna bar in my desk at work isn’t a problem.  Ice cream cravings at night?  So far, nonexistent. All of which makes me wonder, how many times in my life have I misinterpreted a feeling as a “craving” for chocolate, or ice cream, or something else sugaryfattyandnotsogoodforyouyummyness?  How many years have I accepted the myth that my body was making healthy living and weight loss hard for me?  For-freaking-ever, friends.

Since I started the HCG, the only situations in which I’ve struggled, thus far, have been social situations.  Let’s be honest: if everyone around me is eating a burger, I want a freaking burger, too!  With fries!  And a milkshake! I’m starting to realize that, contrary to what I’ve thought and said for years, one of my struggles with overeating isn’t what I do when I’m alone, but what I do when I’m with other people.

This is more a result of my life changing than it is because my mind or body has changed.  I’m not lonely anymore.  I know that I am loved.  I still have moments where I feel sad or lonely, but they occur so much less frequently than before.  Also, I’m married now, so I’m physically alone far much less than ever.  The combination of those changed circumstances has led to far fewer incidents of overeating by myself.  Admittedly these moments haven’t disappeared; I have been known to dive head-first into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream after an argument with my husband or at the end of a bad day.  But average?  I have the alone-time-overeating-by-myself moments once, maybe twice a month now.  And a binge for me is eating 1,000-2,000 calories.  At twice per month, that eating is not enough to make me overweight or even keep me here.

Conversely, now that my life is fuller than ever, I’m constantly eating out with friends or my husband or attending myriad family functions where food is the center of our time together.  And instead of following the healthy lead of my sister (who totally indulges once in a while but will more often opt for the burger with a salad instead of the fries to maintain a healthy balance), I want it all and I want it now.  It’s like there’s a child inside of me who never got everything she wanted or needed, and this is her way of always getting more more more.

I’m realizing there are some words that are a really powerful inside into why I have been obese my entire adult life.  ENOUGH and MORE are two of them.  As I explore how to FEEL the reality that I am ENOUGH just as I am today, I am also realizing that my need to always have/want/feel/be/get MORE?  It’s dying down a bit.

This is all a bit scary and I’m sure it’s just the tip of another one of those freaking icebergs.  But today?  It feels like a revelation of sorts.  And even if it’s just a little one, every one of these along the road is ultimately going to end up paving that road…to healthiness, wholeness, and freedom.

Care to join me?

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The Complete Beck Diet for Life: Success Skills 4-6

By on January 24, 2010 in Uncategorized

Earlier this week, I posted a summary of Success Skills 1-3 from The Complete Beck Diet for Life.

I know a lot of bloggers are talking about this book right now, mostly because this hotass got the ball rolling on a virtual book club discussion about this book.  I hope y’all aren’t getting sick of all the talk, because (a) this post is more about the book and (b) the reason everyone’s talking about it is that the techniques in the book really work for some people.

The premise behind the book is that those who struggle to lose weight and keep it off struggle for a reason.  They haven’t been given the mental, emotional tools to continue making good healthy choices for a lifetime.  Beck’s theory is that if you teach yourself those tools, using cognitive behavioral techniques, you can learn to be a successful, lifetime dieter/maintainer.

Success Skills 1-3 are (1) Motivate yourself daily; (2) Weigh yourself daily; and (3) Eat slowly, while sitting down and enjoying every bit.  For the last two weeks, I’ve worked to make these practices habit.  I have weighed myself daily, read my advantages cards and response cards multiple times per day, and have followed Skill #3 about 85% of the time.  Once I caught myself mindlessly eating pineapple while I was cutting it up!  The other times I don’t count as “success” on Skill #3 have been when I’ve chosen to eat in a rushed way rather than not eating at all.

Have any of you tried to implement these practices in your lives?  How are they working for you?  Are you finding these challenging or easy?  I’d love to hear your stories on how this is going.

Here are the next three skills:

Success Skill 4: Give Yourself Credit

Beck points out that giving yourself credit for the many good choices you make in a day will reinforce those choices for you over time.  Giving yourself credit builds your confidence to make good choices in the future.  She also points out that people who struggle with food choices typically make mountains out of molehills when it comes to our mistakes.  (i.e., I just overate at dinner, I might as well blow the rest of the day and start again tomorrow since my day is ruined anyways.)  She likens this tendency to saying, “oh well, I just blew out a tire, I might as well slash the other three since the day is blown anyways.”

Giving yourself credit for your good choices will, over time, put your  mistakes into perspective and allow you to treat them as just that – mistakes.  Not moral failings or even sins.

Success Skill 5: Get Moving!

As we all know, exercise is extremely important in a healthy lifestyle.  Beck cites several studies that prove that regular exercise is essential for permanent weight loss.  I don’t know about you folks, but I don’t want to lose this weight only to find myself losing it again in 2 or 5 years.  Exercise is key in keeping off weight and has other healthy benefits such as increased strength, better sleep, less body pain, minimizing bone loss as we age, and revving your basal metabolic rate up to burn more calories all the time.  Are you sold yet?

Success Skill 6: Overcome Hunger, Cravings, and Emotional Eating

Many people who struggle with weight problems, myself included, have a hard time distinguishing between hunger, cravings, and emotional eating.  Throw in the fact that fatigue creates more desire to eat and the fact that thirst is sometimes confused with hunger, and it’s no wonder we have a difficult time figuring this one out!  Beck provides several experiments and tools through which we can teach ourselves to know the difference.   And she provides the directive to only eat when hungry.

Another thing you will learn through these experiments is that desire to eat, whether out of hunger or craving, is NOT AN EMERGENCY.  Let me say that again, because I think it bears repeating.  HUNGER IS NOT AN EMERGENCY.  If you don’t eat when you get hungry, you will not die.  For me, this is a really important lesson, since my binge episodes (thankfully fewer and much farther between these last months) are usually preceded by a shaky, panicky feeling that I MUST EAT RIGHT NOW.  And the truth is, I don’t HAVE to eat right now.  I will be okay if I don’t.

Finally, Beck suggests that we learn to distract ourselves from a craving and also learn to cope differently with those feelings.  For me, using distraction has been super helpful.  The mindfulness that I’ve cultivated has also allowed me to step back when I’m feeling an irrational desire to eat and realize that eating will not fix the problem I’m dealing with in that moment; it will only multiply it.

Summary

As I’m sure you can tell, I am so far 100% behind the techniques and practices Beck outlines in her book.  Don’t worry – when we get to Phase 2, there is a LOT more that I disagree with!  But overall, I think these skills will stand me in good stead for a lifetime.  So I’m going to spend the next week really drilling down and making Skills 1-3 habits in my life, and then I will move on to officially include the skills I went over in this post today.

Please share your thoughts, questions, and/or experiences with the Beck books with me!

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