Tag Archives | struggle

Doing What I Hate…or Thoughts on Hope

By on December 31, 2010 in emotional stuff, hope/inspiration

In Romans 7:15, St. Paul said this: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

Dude, that was written roughly 2,000 years ago, and when I read that on a blog today, I thought, “Get out of my head!”  And then I realized that some things are universal.  It doesn’t matter if you were an apostle of Jesus 2,000 years ago or if you are a 30-something lawyer in Seattle in 2010.

Man or woman.
Race
religion
ethnicity
socio-economic status
marital status…

None of these things removes you from the reality that, as fallen and broken human beings, we struggle.  We value one thing (health) but choose another (unhealthy foods).  We desire one thing (to lose weight) but choose another (to sit on the couch).  And we do it over and over again, sometimes.

You don’t have to believe in Jesus to acknowledge how profound (and yet, how simple) it is that people today struggle with the same feelings that people 2,000 years ago wrestled with, too.  So why am I bringing this up now?  If the struggle never changes what’s the point, you ask?

Along with flash of total and utter despair discouragement that I initially felt when I started thinking about this, that’s not where the story ends.  The story doesn’t end with the struggle; it only begins there.  Whether you view this in a spiritual light or not (I do), the same lesson is true: you can overcome.

The verse above?  It was written by a man who went on to become a legend in the Christian church, a father of Christianity, really.  (I mean, come on – his stuff is in the Bible, people!)  He didn’t wallow for long in the fact that he wrestled with temptations or struggles – he worked out a way to turn those struggles over to God and to overcome, little by little, day by day.

It wasn’t about perfection for him, and it can’t be for us, either.  We can overcome, day by day.  Maybe you believe in a God who cares about your everyday life and find your strength in him.  Maybe you take a less traditional view of spirituality.  Either way, if you believe that there is something greater in this world than the sum of your decisions over time…that gives you hope.

I don’t know where this is coming from today.  I don’t ordinarily talk about my faith on my blog because while it’s important to me, it’s not what this blog is about.  But I wanted to share what I “discovered” in reading this verse: greater men and women than me throughout history have faced great struggles.  “Bigger” and “smaller” struggles than mine, to be sure.  And despite the universal nature of the struggle, we as human beings have never chosen to just give up.  Throw up our hands, lay down, and wait for death to take us.  (insert melodramatic overture here)

Why?  Because there is hope.  And the struggle doesn’t have to win.  It’s a part of life, for sure.  We can’t avoid it, not entirely.  But we can embrace it, learn from it, and eventually rise above it, at least some of the time.

That gives me hope.

What gives you hope?

Comments { 4 }

Getting Over Myself

By on December 16, 2010 in body, emotional stuff, R2P4, self-image, weight

The more I think about why I am struggling, the more I am sure it has to do with the whole happiness thing I wrote about in my last post.  I thought about it some more today and have something to share that I never thought I would say.

I remember being 250+ pounds and reading blogs by people who had lost weight…tremendous amounts of weight, even.  And I was gobsmacked by the fact that many of them were still unhappy with their body.  In fact, some were even more unhappy with their newly-slender/fit bodies than they were with their previously-fat/unhealthy bodies!  Can I just tell you how much that blew my mind? I knew that if I were ever lucky enough to lose this weight, I would not be one of them.

I would not fixate on loose skin.
I would not look a gift horse in the mouth.
I would celebrate my new body!
I would revel in how I looked and felt!

Well guess what?  I was wrong.  And what’s more – I was judge-y (technical term).  That’s right, I’ll admit it.  I thought they were crazy for obsessing over their flaws when they had such a huge accomplishment to celebrate!  I thought they were unrealistic perfectionists who wouldn’t be happy no matter how much weight they lost or how their bodies looked.

Yeah, I’m sorry about that.  No, really – I am apologizing to every single one of you who I may have judged for not being 100% happy once you lost a ton of weight.

I think that’s part of why I am having a hard time.  I thought it would be different.  I thought my belly would get smaller.  I thought I would look better with my clothes off…maybe not better than with my clothes on, but just…better, you know?

And yes, I know…get over myself, right?!  Seriously, I’ve lost 100 pounds and I’m upset that I don’t look amazing naked?!?!  (Plus, I guarantee you that I do look better naked than I did before…my eyes just aren’t seeing it yet.)

I think part of me feels like I worked so effing hard and lost so much effing weight…for this?  Saggy boobs?  Flabby belly?  Loose skin on my arms?  I want a refund!  I want my money back!

But of course, I don’t.  Not really.  I am just letting my inner teenager throw her little tantrum and maybe I’m giving her a little too much leeway, you know?  Because I don’t want a refund.  When I sit and think about it, I wouldn’t trade where I’m at now for where I was a year ago.  No way.  I’ll take it – if loose skin and saggy boobs and a flabby belly (like it wasn’t flabby before – hello?!?) are the price I pay for being lighter and healthier…well, dangit, that’s worth it.

I know that.

I just need to start feeling that.

Comments { 16 }

The New Normal

By on June 23, 2010 in eating, emotional stuff, hcg, R1P2, weight

Hey all, sorry I was MIA yesterday.  It was an insanely busy day at work and my day ran away with me before I knew it.  I got a lot done and left work a bit early to get my butt kicked by my trainer before heading to my weekly doctor’s appointment.  The workout was awesome and the ND appointment went well.  My doctor says I am her “poster child” for HCG in terms of results AND compliance with the protocol.  At your service, ma’am.

New Normal?

So I keep circling back around to something about this HCG thing.  People are constantly asking me how I can possibly stick to this diet.  My answer is always that (1) I am not hungry so it’s pretty easy and (2) I’m seeing results so that provides a lot of motivation.  It got me to thinking, though, about a few different things.  We’ll call these my Deep Thoughts for the day.  :)

First, on not being hungry.  My body has always functioned well.  I have had moments of hunger and moments of satisfaction and moments of ohmygodimsostuffedicantbelieveiatethatmuch.  And yet before starting the HCG, when I had urges to eat that weren’t hunger-related, I gave in a lot more than I’d like.  I’ve said before how much removing hunger and food decisions from my mind has helped me to peel back some layers on why I eat, why this feels easy right now, etc.

Usually by the third week into the protocol, people start to struggle.  They get bored with the food, feel insanely restricted on 500 calories/day, or otherwise “react” to something about the protocol that they don’t like.  I haven’t hit that point yet.  Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.  I am kind of guessing that I won’t – I’m so effing excited about the success I’m having that how could I possibly want to put that at risk?!  But we’ll see – I know I’m human, I’m no different than many others who have done this, and I’m not immune to struggles…as those who have read my blog for months can attest.

Still, though, I think I realized something today.  For the last 5-7 years, I’ve been working really hard at understanding what makes me tick in terms of overeating.  I spent two years in counseling.  I’ve journaled.  I’ve talked to friends every day online about our struggles (you know who you are, girls).  And then last year, I started this blog.  What I realized today?  All that stuff?  The soul-searching and talking and thinking and praying and working?  It’s…well, it’s working.

I think that my struggles with food immediately prior to going on HCG were more out of habit than anything else.  I think the groundwork I’ve been laying for the last several years is what is making this easy for me right now.  And I think being on HCG has given me the opportunity to step back from my relationship with food and gain some much-needed perspective on my historic struggle in this area.  I also think that when I finish this round of HCG, there will be more bumps along the road in the future.  But if I can just remember the lessons I’m learning right now?  I’m going to be okay.

Let me repeat that (not for you, for me): I AM GOING TO BE OKAY.  I am going to make it to goal.  I am going to continue training my body to be the best that it can be.  And yes, I’m going to eat ice cream and pizza and other less-than-perfectly-healthy treats along the way.  But I am going to be able to keep my eyes on the prize (a healthy, long life) and live with moderation and balance.  I am learning that I can trust myself; both now, and when I finish with the HCG.  I’m learning that I can have a normal relationship with food.

So that’s my “new normal.”  Whatever that means, anyways – I’m not sure what “normal” really is!  All I know is that it’s incredibly empowering to feel this way; to know and trust myself; to listen to my body.

What are you learning about yourself and your body through blogging?  What other tools have you used to help you peel back the layers and understand the roots of your food/weight issues?

HCG Update

HCG Start Date: 6/1/10
Starting Weight: 252.5
VLCD  Starting Weight: 255
R1P2 VLCD Day 20: 231.2
Total Weight Lost: 21.3 pounds

Comments { 14 }

My Baggage Ain’t Your Baggage

By on May 31, 2010 in emotional stuff, weekend

Happy Memorial Day, all!  I’m not taking today off (I’m currently blogging from work) but I want to start by saying that I am so thankful for all of those who have served in our armed forces, and for their families who have made that sacrifice with them.  Those who have served over the history of our country have made it possible for us to live in a country where we can say what we think without fear of losing our freedoms, and that is a gift.

Weekend in Review

I had a pretty good weekend except for a faceplant into some chocolate chip cookies I made for a party.  Bad news: I ate 8 cookies for breakfast.  Good news: I felt physically sick for about half the day afterward – bloated and just plain gross.  Why is that good news?  Two reasons that I can think of right now: (1) my body is getting used to avoiding sugar or only consuming it in small amounts, and (2) next time I’m tempted to overeat something sugary like that, I’ll have a memory I can point to as a very good reason to stick to TWO cookies and not EIGHT.  Blech.

I made up for it by eating super healthy the rest of the day, even at the BBQ last night, where I had a burger with a bottom bun and lettuce for the “top bun,” 1 tsp mayo, lots of veggies, and a yummy side of fruit salad.  I was babysitting my sister’s FOUR kids last night, and boy if that’s not like herding cats I don’t know what is.  I’ve said before how much more energy I burn when I’m with them (my average calorie burn without a workout is 2,800/day – when I have her kids, it’s over 4K per day with no workout!) but man, they are just a hoot!  I had a great time, got home at just shy of 5am (!), and slept until 11am before heading here to work.

I’m in my running clothes (love working on a holiday!) and will hit either the gym or a trail on my way home, depending on the weather.

Baggage Epiphany

I don’t know if I can really call this an epiphany, but I realized something really obvious that all you smarter people probably knew a really long time ago.  That is, that my baggage around weight is totally different and unique from each other person’s baggage around weight.  (Yes, I know, “duh” – shoot me, I’m slow sometimes!)

I was talking yesterday with a friend of mine who struggled with her weight on a smaller scale for years before she finally, over the course of about 3 years, lost 40 pounds and largely maintained that loss until she had kids.  I remembered yesterday that her then-boyfriend (now-husband) actually told her once that he didn’t think she had the self-discipline to lose the weight.  I asked her yesterday how she dealt with that.  Her response?  “Any time someone tells me I can’t do something, my reaction is to do it just to prove to myself that I can, and to prove them wrong.”

My reaction to my husband saying essentially the same thing has been to get all hurt and mopey and emotional about it; to be offended that he doesn’t believe in me.  And I realized that, as I have shared previously, the reason for that is that I sometimes doubt myself, and hearing him articulate the thing I’m most afraid of – that I can’t do it – really scares me!

Talking with my friend and her husband yesterday reinforced to me a number of things.  First, our baggage is all different.  Second, though – even though my knee-jerk reaction might be one thing, I get to choose how I behave in response to a challenge like this.

So, today I’m choosing

to get over being hurt
to realize that I’m scared
not to punish my husband for my fear
not to punish my husband for my baggage
to start learning to drop my baggage, once piece at a time
to prove to myself that I can do this

What are you choosing today?

Comments { 10 }

A Confession

By on May 14, 2010 in Uncategorized

First of all, I need a moment to vent.  This last week I have been absolutely DIALED in – my workouts are going great and my calories are exactly where I want them to be – 1,800/day.  I’m eating plenty of healthy fats, veggies, and protein.  I’m not eating after dinner, and I’m consuming most of my carbs before dinnertime (that seems to really help me).  My sodium is hovering right around 1,000/day.

Not only am I not losing weight, my weight is UP from when I recommitted to counting calories and losing weight!  AAARRRGGGHHHH!

Okay, I’m done now.  All that being said, I know that I am doing all the right things, and I know that the science and the numbers will eventually show up on the scale.  So I’m keeping on with what I’m doing, I just needed to share a moment of frustration with y’all.

My Confession

So you know how I often remind you myself that this blog is really for me, and is a place for me to work through some of the things that I need to figure out about myself?  I say all the time I want this time to be different.  I don’t want to lose this weight only to gain it back again.  I am not looking for a band-aid or a quick-fix – I want to root out and heal the deeper issues I have so that when I lose this weight, I only have to do it once.  I know I’ll have to work at this for the rest of my life, and I’m at peace with that (most days).  But I am not okay with thinking that if I just lose the weight, I’ll be happy.

*deep breath*

My husband* thinks exactly that – that if I would just lose the weight I would be happy and my issues would magically go away.  He thinks that I have “given up” on losing weight (his words) and he doubts (also his words) whether I will ever actually lose the weight.

Background, you ask?  The background is that for a brief period of time, my husband was about 50 pounds overweight.  Once he decided he’d had enough, he started eating less and working out more, lost the weight, and has been at a healthy weight ever since.  He doesn’t struggle with food, and he is able to maintain his weight without working out.  So in his mind, losing weight is a mechanical process and all you need to do is make a decision.  In his mind, I am choosing not to lose this weight.

My confession?  THAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF.  It hurts me, but even more than that, it makes me angry. It makes me want to prove him wrong so I can be right, and it makes me want to prove him right just to spite him. (Never mind that I’d also be spiting myself.  Logical, eh?  Welcome to my brain.)

It also scares the crap out of me for a number of reasons – here are two of them:

  1. What if he’s right?  What if there is some part of me that is choosing to stay fat?  I feel more self-aware now than I have ever been, and if he’s right and I just can’t see this about myself, well…that’s just terrifying.  How could I be working this hard to understand myself and be missing something this big?
  2. On the other hand, the fact that I feel so self-aware and am doing the work internally that I need to do to lose this weight and keep it off scares me, because I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive him.  Once I lose this weight, I want to look back and know that my husband was my biggest supporter and cheerleader.  I don’t want to look back and know that I did it despite his lack of faith in me.  If that’s how it goes down, will I be able to forgive him?  And (I can’t believe I’m saying this five months into our marriage) if that’s how it goes down, can our marriage survive it?

I’m not writing this to garner sympathy; I’m writing it because every time I’ve come up against uncomfortable stuff in the past, I’ve done something to distract myself from it.  Mostly eating, but other things, too.  And I know that a big part of the “attain a healthy weight” equation for me is facing my emotions and fears.  So here’s me, owning up to a really uncomfortable situation, owning up to a fear with a healthy fair amount lot of anger sprinkled in for flavor.

Serendipitously, I recorded the Oprah show this week with Geneen Roth where they talked about her new book, Women Food and God.  In listening to the author talk, and hearing some of the women in the studio audience talk, I felt like they were in my head.  One woman shared about how the work she had done made her realize that one of her core beliefs was that she was not enough.

I have struggled with that my entire adult life – the fear that I, as I am, am not “enough.”  I’m not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough – whatever enough.  I’ve spent much of my life chasing after external validation from other people or accomplishments to make me feel like I’m enough. I’ve gone through one of the toughest educational experiences out there (law school) with flying colors; I’ve started my own business; I’ve been instrumental in making the law firm where I work successful when, before I arrived, it was not.  I’m not bragging – I’m just pointing out that so much of what I do is about being perfect; about being enough.  I even ask myself sometimes, “If I can get it so right in my professional life, how come I can’t apply that discipline and hard work to my weight and just lose this 100 pounds already?!?”

I think the answer is that I’m scared to do it.  I’m scared to try and fail.  And the reason I’m scared to try and fail is because I believe I will fail because I belief I am not enough.   And now I wonder if realize that part of my anger at my husband is less about my righteous response to him being a dumb boy who doesn’t realize he should say things like that even if he thinks them (!), and more about feeling like his opinion is just proof that I am, in fact, not enough.

I am realizing that maybe, just maybe, I have to know for myself that I am enough.  I am learning that maybe everyone else on the planet could think that I am enough, and that wouldn’t be enough for me.  If everyone else thinks I am enough (and let’s get real – most of the people on the planet don’t even know who I am; those who do for the most part love me and would be shocked to know I feel this way and OF COURSE they think I’m enough!) but I still question it, I will always struggle.  Because if I don’t think I’m enough; if I don’t see my own value and worth and beauty, how could I possibly be happy?  And how could someone else’s opinion of me make me feel whole and healthy and happy and enough if I don’t share that opinion?!

In other words, what I believe about myself is more important than what anyone else believes about me.  And it’s easier to get angry at my husband and be all indignant about his stupid opinion than it is for me to deal with my own self-loathing and self-doubt.

So…there it is.  My confession.  I’m angry, I’m confused, and I’m afraid.  I don’t know how to get from acknowledging this to healing it, but I feel like saying it out loud writing it here is a step in the right direction.

*FYI, this post is not an invitation to bash my husband.  Constructive criticism is fine; advice on how to help him understand the struggle is also welcome.  Calling him a jerk or otherwise tearing him down is not, and comments of that nature will be deleted.  My marriage is overwhelmingly happy.  My husband never sabotages my weight loss efforts and always supports the lifestyle choices I make to get healthy, including eating foods he doesn’t love and spending evenings by himself sometimes because I’m at the gym.  He just does not understand; simply cannot wrap his brain around the deeper aspects of what he views as a mechanical process: do the right things and you will lose weight.

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