You know how it goes, right? You should have called that friend months ago. And at first, you only put it off for a few days. “I’ll call next weekend when it’s not so busy.” Only next weekend never comes, and never does “tomorrow” or “later” or any of the other “right times” that you anticipate. At a certain point, you pass a line (you know the line I’m talking about) beyond which it becomes embarrassing to call, you know? You imagine that your friend might be offended by your really tardy call, but if you don’t call at all, you don’t have to deal with the awkwardness…
In some ways, that’s how I’ve been feeling about running blog. I miss being here. I miss writing through my thoughts and feelings. Everything that’s going on with me is so different than my life before pregnancy, it feels a little weird to come here to the SeattleRunnerGirl blog and write about it! I don’t want to turn this into a pregnancy blog or a mommy blog, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that is me worrying about what someone else might think. Writing (or not writing) because of another person’s opinion, instead of because this blog has been a necessity for me.
I called the blog SeattleRunnerGirl when I started because it fit – literally and figuratively. I was learning how to run physically, and using that as one of my tools to lose weight. And then I fell in love with running (who knew?!) in the process. But I was also running figuratively – away from unhealth, away from denial of feelings, away from self-medication with food…and towards life. Towards living and loving and experiencing everything as fully as I knew how, every day.
I’m still doing that. It looks really different right now! And after the baby comes, it’ll look even more different, though some of it might be the same.
Right now, though, I have a choice. I can either let these changes make me feel awkward – like that phone call that’s been left just a little too long – and keep me away from the blog. Or I can say, “this is my life” and know that those of you who are on this journey with me will understand…that life? It’s not just about running (literally or figuratively). And it’s not just about weight loss, or pregnancy, or babies, or whatever. It’s just…life. In all it’s mixed-up, ever-changing, beautiful, heart-breaking crazyness.
I guess that’s my long-winded way of saying I’m back. I’m not really sure what “back” looks like right now, because I’m still working 50-60 hours/week (down from 70+ so happy girl here!). I’m still pregnant and balancing what it means for me to stay healthy without obsessing about weight and workouts and numbers. So “back” for now might just mean posting once a week. And always, always reading your blogs – I’m out here! I comment now and then, but I am always reading, so please know that – I’m with you! And I need you with me; hence being “back.”
Hang with me while I figure out what that looks like, will you?